purplelirpa

I've been trying to get my boyfriend to do sexual things to me even if they don't end in sex (vaginal penetration). He seems very uninterested, doesn't like handjobs, only kind of likes blowjobs. It's not an issue of orgasm, because he'll get off, he just says it depresses him after because it wasn't sex.

I really like masturbating, I like for a guy to want to touch me, I would like watching him touch himself, even. But none of the above interest him (at least not in the attempts I've made so far). He's said that if it he knows it won't end in penetration, he doesn't want to do it. He'll masturbate by himself, but he never does it when I'm in the room.

When we can't have sex as often (I have a hard time getting turned on in a reasonable amount of time), I just want to do something that keeps that closeness as often as we can. We're really drifting apart.

And as for the issue of me not getting turned on, I don't know what's up with that, either. I just thought that having sexual relationships would be more interesting than this. Where's the imagination? Can there still be passion after the first month in a relationship? We've been together 2 years, and it's been this monotonous mess of me being frustrated and controlling and him shutting down and I don't even know what to do anymore.

If this were the first relationship I'd dealt with this in, I'd be inclined to think I was with the wrong person. But when every sexual relationship I get into eventually turns out with me extremely bored and the guy thinking that I'm some sort of oddity for wanting to be teased or played with. Is this so out of the ordinary? I've read many romance novels which seem to be written to the contrary.

Is it a common fantasy for a woman to want to have the desire drawn out and to feel like her partner is focused on prolonging that aching feeling? And if so, is it practical of me to expect this from him, or is there a way to lower my sexual expectation so that my turn-ons aren't so rigid?

Shell

...you're over-thinking it. Start with foreplay and don't have a pre-plan as to it's outcome. You have a turn-off switch in your mind for some reason....which is not fair to your partner and robs you of pleasures awaiting.

...men are wired in a way that it's physically painful to be turned on and then told to stop before being able to release the build-up. After a 2-year relationship, if you plan to shut him off then don't start (i would be giving you different advice for a 2-day relationship because it could be interpreted as a flirtatious stage that early on).

__________________
..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Hyacinthe

See I see this entirely differently then Shell

You say he does get off anyway so I don't view the physical side of it from his viewpoint - either way he's not going to end up with blue balls so trying to use that as an excuse not to address your turn ons strikes me as quite selfish, very "well it does nothing for me so no". You're going out of your way to try to explain to him that you would like to try some new things and he is shooting you down - he seems only to be concerned with his desires not yours or he would at least try it.

I don't have any advice to give you really about the relationship with him (well I do but after a 2 year commitment you probably won't like it) but do not feel like this is your fault. There is nothing I repeat NOTHING about wanting to do something other then have sex every once and awhile. What you need to find is a partner that cares enough about your pleasure to either do things he might not enjoy as much because he knows you will enjoy it, or a partner who shares your desires - they are out there.

Wanting to be teased, desired, basically wanted is not out of the ordinary and not something you should have to give up if it's important to you. I share that desire, heck most of my fantasies for years have involved that.

If you want some things which you can do by yourself to try to spark up your passion before you see him. You could try vibrating eggs or benwa balls ( be careful to find a joined pair with a retrieval string if you're just starting cause the single glass varieties can get lost and then you need help from a medical professional).

The stimulation of these ( specially the internal weighted ball type things) which can be worn all day and anywhere as long as they're not metal ( work / gym / shopping) might spark off your libido with the prolonged stimulation that because you're in public you can't do anything about. It's your own private little dirty secret.

If you're really daring find a local strip club and work a shift there every now and then - having guys pay to see you naked makes you feel sexy and desired and you'd get paid for getting off.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

purplelirpa

Shell, could you explain this turn-off switch that I have? When I start foreplay, it's not for the sake of stopping. Quite to the contrary. Ideally, I would prefer to be held in anticipation for a while, but have absolutely no problem with giving him an orgasm or two in the meantime. I feel like he's the one with the off-switch. Is there something I'm missing?



Hyacinthe (Jacqueline Carey inspired?), thanks for the suggestion about the Benwa balls. I haven't heard of them before, they seem like something I would enjoy. If I worked at a strip club, it would be something that I would have to hide from him, as I've discussed the idea with him before only to make him uncomfortable.

I do have fantasies of that sort, though. I worked as a stripper for a week while in a different relationship, and it made the guy so uncomfortable I stopped. It was fun, though. The guys were mostly gentlemen about it, and the club was very laid back about what they expected of their dancers. They were completely fine with me not wanting to show my nipples (or really, anything I wasn't comfortable with) which was mostly because of the relationship I was in. So, I've thought often about going back, but I think it would be more stressful than helpful in this relationship.

The problem I face when attempting to initiate sex is that all of my fantasies seem to revolve around something being done to me. I think maybe I would enjoy touching him if he enjoyed it more. I worry that this makes me the selfish one, wanting to be the center the attention with the ebb and tide of my passion, but isn't sexual desire a selfish thing anyway? I just don't get the feeling that he's a very sexually-oriented person. He denies it, saying he masturbates sometimes several times a day. It just leads me to think that there's something undesirable about me.




I diverge here because of where I perceive the undesirability. It certainly isn't my body, luckily. I will leave such ego-driven bragging for another post. Where I think it originates is my method of seeking out sex in the first place. I'll go back to Shell's comment of a turn-off switch. What we haven't discussed much about is the rigidity of schema my sexuality seems to have. That is, if I'm not turned on, I shut down almost completely sexually, and I have a fairly strong aversion to being touched (Insert history of sexual abuse/trauma/crazy sexually paranoid mother here). So, what I wonder is that if there's a combo here of him being driven away by my high expectations for what needs to be done to me during our sexual play coupled with a lack of interest on his part for the things I'd like to do to him.

It seems disastrous, and most often ends in a 4-hour emotionally-charged me trying to figure out what's wrong and him going into hiding session. I think that both of us at this point is quite undesirable to the other person and too stubborn or unable to change.

It's a shame that we get along so well outside of the bedroom...

I just want to act in a way that's fair to both of us, I want us to be able to connect sexually, we connect so well in other areas of our lives.

Puttz

What you are saying sounds pretty normal to me, when I think about it as a whole ... you want to be teased, have things drawn out and it sort of sounds like he's a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of guy.

The purpose of foreplay is to get everyone turned on and ready to go... as said above, if there is a plan in place that can kind of ruin the moment. Just enjoy the moment. He should understand that taking the time to turn you on, and get you horny will have a very high likelihood of ending in penetration.

I think it's kind of dumb to say unless you plan to let me penetrate you I'm not interested in starting anything with you.

I've heard of couples seeking out counseling to help with their sexual incompatibility perhaps this is something you can consider?

Maybe just seeking out a counselor on your own would help you understand your feelings better which will help you better explain what you are feeling to your boyfriend.

Shaindra

He's got the issue, not you. Sex is about *way* more than just plugging a hole, I feel sad for him if he can't get beyond penetration as the be all end all. Even worse, I feel sad if he's not even willing to try to work through this with you and may well lose a good relationship because of his rigidity of thought.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

vinceco252

You actually sound pretty healthy to me. I agree with Shaindra. It sounds like he has the issue. Does he respond to attempts at conversation on these issues at all? How's communication in other areas of your relationship?

purplelirpa

so I brought all of these concerns up with him today and he said that now that we aren't working for the same company anymore, he doubts that these things will be an issue. He said he was only not interested in them because he was resenting me for depending on him for the car (I just got one) and making him late for work a lot. Does that make sense? They don't even seem related in my head.

Acetylene

Run away! They are NOT related, or at least they should not be.

Many people drag their issues with their partner into the bedroom instead of talking about them. This is one of those classic complaints that is usually associated with women - withholding sex and sexual pleasure to punish the other person - but it is not unique to one gender. It's obviously more difficult to make love if you're actively angry with someone, but this kind of slow-burn resentment is a dangerous, dangerous thing if he lets it affect your relationship so severely and doesn't discuss it with you. (I'm assuming he didn't discuss it with you because you didn't know the car was his issue.)

Coming from his point of view, I think he thinks you owe him because of all the things he does for you (drive you around, etc.) and he deserves you to please him in return. When you ask to be pleased, he thinks "Good God, not another request! When is it MY turn!"

The reason why this seems like a dealbreaker for me is, this means he thinks of you as a whore: You sex him how he likes it, and in return he will provide for you materially (with a car). This is NOT how it should be, obviously - relationships are give-and-take, yes, but one arena spilling into the other in this way is uncool and it won't stop here. People with this attitude of entitlement can always find a reason why they "deserve" something from you, and why you DON'T "deserve" anything from them.

I think it was Ratbastid that said, "Ask not what your partner can do for you, ask what you can do for your partner." When both parties take this attitude, life is wonderful and everyone is pleased. But when one of them is keeping a mental tally of all the favors they've done for the other, and adding up the tab at the bottom in units of penile penetration, everything breaks down.

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

Puttz

100% true! keeping track, feeling like you need to keep track is just plain bad juju

mixedmedia

I have to say I agree with most of the other contributors here - there is nothing selfish about the desires you have. And I imagine a lot of the guys here would agree with me when I say that a lot of guys would love to be in a relationship with a woman who wants a lively, varied sex life.

And, for the record, these are fun:



Smart Balls - Babeland

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

purplelirpa

Thanks for the reassurance, everyone. I'm glad to hear that the general consensus is that my fantasies are fairly normal and healthy. I'm not really sure where to go from here. This relationship is a complicated one, and I guess these things always show up in sex.

We're both only children of single mothers, so I think that plays a pretty big role in how our affection is. Our communication can be pretty one-sided from both parties, and I think that we're both fairly egocentric, selfish, sensitive, stubborn, and demanding. It's easy for me to see after a couple of years, but not as easy to figure out where to go next.

The biggest problem I face with him is that he doesn't often communicate his problems to me and I voice everything that crosses my mind. Neither is really an effective method, and I've wondered recently if writing things down (especially criticism) would be better than these crazy marathon argument sessions.

As far as the issue of resentment and sex, I can be pissed at him but still want him to have sex with me. I may not want to hold him afterwards, but it's a great release for all of that aggression.

Acetylene, thanks for the advice. It's definitely worrisome, especially when it presents itself in more than just the bedroom. What I can't figure out is why I was being resented for being dependent, when the reason I went back to work and dropped a semester at school (after he originally thought that his income would be enough while I attended classes), was because he had to have brain surgery on an aneurysm. So, I applied where he worked and we worked at the same place for 8 mo's, on the same schedule. So naturally, he drove me there. When I was in school, it was only a few blocks from home, so I either walked or biked.

I hated the job, though. I did make us late on several occasions, but I just couldn't for the life of me get out of bed. Usually, I'd stay up really late online and just sleep right through the alarm. Neither of us ever felt like we could unwind or relax.

Now, I'm starting a new job and have a car. He tells me things are going to be different now, that he's more attracted to me now. I don't know, I just think it's bullshit. It was bullshit when he told me that he couldn't give me what I wanted because HE wasn't employed, then when I wasn't employed and going to school, it was because of that. Then the car wreck, followed by the brain surgery. Then, it was because he saw me all of the time and there wasn't the same desire to see me (sort of familiarity breeds contempt). I mean, I know life sucks, but sex is the one thing that I can do that isn't illegal that destresses me, and I can't figure out how a person could be so stressed as to stop having sex altogether. He doesn't cheat, we're around each other all of the time.

I feel, that if things don't start changing soon, that I either need to get couples therapy or just call it quits. It bugs me because we are on the same intellectual level, have similar senses of humor, hobbies, political views, etc. I just wish he'd take some initiative with his life and stop making excuses for everything.

In the meantime, anyone like reading/writing erotica?

MinorFatality

Absolutely love to read. Have tried writing to no avail!

mixedmedia

Maybe he's just not that into sex?

And I love reading erotica...when it's good!

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

purplelirpa

Might start another thread on this topic, but I like to write it. So if anyone's interested in collaborations or just has a request, it's a great outlet for all of this sexual frustration!

Acetylene

I edited the quote so I could break out the things I wanted to comment on.

1. I am also an only child, and everyone told my parents that I would grow up full of myself, and yeah, I know where I'm at and sometimes have to remind myself not to steamroller my husband. But the thing about people is, we learn and grow even after we become adults. It's just another excuse of his.

2. Yes. Write down your issues. Communicate via e-mail about things if the two of you have incompatible speaking styles. This works really well for several couples I know.

3. You're right, when he says things will be different now because of some outside factor that has changed, it is bullshit. The only thing that would change this is if HE decided, within himself, to approach your lofe lives differently - and even then, it's incredibly hard to do. Minor, external lifestyle changes aren't going to do anything; they are, as you noticed, merely excuses.

4. It sounds like you two might make better friends than lovers. I have had plenty of male friends that I thoroughly enjoyed but would never marry, not because I didn't like and respect them, but because a long-term partner is not the same as a friend or short-term lover. You need different things from them, including a future wherein the two of you continue to grow and develop as humans and as a couple, and it sounds like he's stagnating while you want to keep moving forward.

I'm sorry you came online here with your problems and everyone is telling you to break up over it. It's hard to hear and we don't know the whole story, so there's always a chance that our advice is wrong. Other people might think differently, but it sounds like you are unhappy and life is too short to waste time on people whom you don't have a future with, IMHO.

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

purplelirpa

Acetylene, I appreciate you taking the time to write such a thorough response. It's definitely a difficult thing to face, I'd rather this be something wrong with me so at least I could work toward fixing it! I hope that maybe my perspective is still skewed enough that it's painting a crappy picture of him, but when everyone in my life keeps telling me the same thing, I start losing that.

I think if I could pinpoint the problem, it would just have to do with owning up to responsibilities, which is something he doesn't do. I hate outlining things for him waiting for it to be "good enough." I'm far too soft to give the constant pushing that it seems he wants. He tells me I'm exactly the same, which I don't really perceive myself being. I am a terrible procrastinator, but I don't know if I'm on par with the behavior I've described from him.

Hyacinthe

So you gave up a job because it made an ex uncomfortable - you won't go back despite the fact that it will address one of the issues in your current life because it would make the current SO unhappy. You attempt to please him sexually without getting that same thing in return and left school for a semester so that he could have an urgent medical problem dealt with.

Explain what part of any of this makes you sound selfish and egocentric?

Wanting to be the centre of attention isn't necessarily selfish - you should feel like you have your partners complete attention.

As for procrastination - I think everyone does that occasionally, the issue for me here is that he expects you to address his needs without him addressing yours. That to me screams out that he doesn't want a partner he wants a mother, someone to take care of him. If you don't want to do that ( I know I sure as heck wouldn't even for my SO) then you'll have to make a decision about what you do want from a relationship and see if he's willing to give you that.

The fact that he chose not to discuss the fact that he was having issues with the two of you sharing the car also worries me though. Those small things if not aired while they are a small thing turn into big things, the resentment builds up until it reaches boiling point and suddenly you find someone screaming at their partner about the most inconsequential things imaginable. This is a major warning sign of bad communication on his part for me - if he had said something I am sure you would have made CERTAIN you didn't make him late anymore.

I hope things change with the new car, I really do but honestly I don't think they will. If he's not interested in foreplay he is not interested in fforeplay - suddenly not having to drive you to work is not going to fix that. It might improve his libido sure but it doesn't necessarily mean that forelay will suddenly become a part of his sexual repertoire




*********** Side Note *********

There are alot of good benwa ball type things out there - weighted, vibrating, steel, glass, plastic - all comes down to personal choice - thus far my favourite is



The top half is more heavily weighted then the bottom one so that they roll with every movement of your hips. They're from a company called sin five - with the 5th sin being lust and all.



PS. Actually despite the fact thatI am a huge Jacqueline Carey fan the name is from old disney fantasia - the ballet dancing hippo was called Hyacinthe

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

curiousbear

I can relate to almost everything you had said above. You expecting attention and him to take time and energy to pursuade you ... I think is normal, but is it practical? Learn to be naughty, porn, erotica, sex-toys, self-exploration can be great help.

Regarding him not letting you to masturbate him, try things in dim light or dark night setting... he could be shy (trust me!) Also the image/impression between you both may need some ice-breaking.

Being so tough to satiate - can that be a turn off? For instance I get demotivated with complexity and routine (rather ritual sex).

while intellect helps in sex like all other affairs, there are more important drivers to it.

Looks like it is a rough ride... And see men are from mars!

Yes, it is fine. Just make sure you take turns that works

Personally I am not a successful person in sex life. But I could relate to the situation you folks are in... so tried my take, hope it helps

---------- Post added at 09:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:19 AM ----------

I myself find the sentence "successful person in sex life" stupid. I could have said "my sex life is not good too".