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Shell, could you explain this turn-off switch that I have? When I start foreplay, it's not for the sake of stopping. Quite to the contrary. Ideally, I would prefer to be held in anticipation for a while, but have absolutely no problem with giving him an orgasm or two in the meantime. I feel like he's the one with the off-switch. Is there something I'm missing?
Hyacinthe (Jacqueline Carey inspired?), thanks for the suggestion about the Benwa balls. I haven't heard of them before, they seem like something I would enjoy. If I worked at a strip club, it would be something that I would have to hide from him, as I've discussed the idea with him before only to make him uncomfortable.
I do have fantasies of that sort, though. I worked as a stripper for a week while in a different relationship, and it made the guy so uncomfortable I stopped. It was fun, though. The guys were mostly gentlemen about it, and the club was very laid back about what they expected of their dancers. They were completely fine with me not wanting to show my nipples (or really, anything I wasn't comfortable with) which was mostly because of the relationship I was in. So, I've thought often about going back, but I think it would be more stressful than helpful in this relationship.
The problem I face when attempting to initiate sex is that all of my fantasies seem to revolve around something being done to me. I think maybe I would enjoy touching him if he enjoyed it more. I worry that this makes me the selfish one, wanting to be the center the attention with the ebb and tide of my passion, but isn't sexual desire a selfish thing anyway? I just don't get the feeling that he's a very sexually-oriented person. He denies it, saying he masturbates sometimes several times a day. It just leads me to think that there's something undesirable about me.
I diverge here because of where I perceive the undesirability. It certainly isn't my body, luckily. I will leave such ego-driven bragging for another post. Where I think it originates is my method of seeking out sex in the first place. I'll go back to Shell's comment of a turn-off switch. What we haven't discussed much about is the rigidity of schema my sexuality seems to have. That is, if I'm not turned on, I shut down almost completely sexually, and I have a fairly strong aversion to being touched (Insert history of sexual abuse/trauma/crazy sexually paranoid mother here). So, what I wonder is that if there's a combo here of him being driven away by my high expectations for what needs to be done to me during our sexual play coupled with a lack of interest on his part for the things I'd like to do to him.
It seems disastrous, and most often ends in a 4-hour emotionally-charged me trying to figure out what's wrong and him going into hiding session. I think that both of us at this point is quite undesirable to the other person and too stubborn or unable to change.
It's a shame that we get along so well outside of the bedroom...
I just want to act in a way that's fair to both of us, I want us to be able to connect sexually, we connect so well in other areas of our lives.
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