dd3953

I've been racking my brain for other situations, outside of childhood, where I've cried (and music wasn't playing), but they have only been tears falling, maybe some heavy breathing. Most of these have all be during fights, fist fights, from the anger, from the thought that I didn't want to hurt them, they made me do this to them ... Then I remembered my first car.

It was about two years ago ... when I got into my car totaled. It was rear-ended by one of those 'we'll move your stuff for you' type trucks. I think that was a real cry, only because the tears came for almost an hour, and returned for short periods for that whole day. I had the car for less than 3 months, it was less than a week til Thanksgiving and I was supposed to go home, and be with my family (who live 6 hours away). I didn't have the money to fix the car. I didn't have the money to buy a bus ticket. I was fine, so was the other driver, but I just couldn't figure out how I was supposed to fix it. Having the cops tell me it was my fault didn't help much, money, money, money, my insurance was gonna go up, I had to pay for the towing, the storage ...

I don't think I've ever cried just for me. And I don't take to other people's emotions well. You know, those people who get sad because the people around them are sad, or excited, or happy ... That's never been something I can do.

For me, I guess it's more like writing. Having ideas, images, a movie, running around your head and not having the letters, the words, to turn it into the story it's supposed to be. Or like trying to open a door that won't move an inch, even though you know you're pushing it the right way and there is no lock.

I think it does. How? I'm not really sure. I don't have enough data to form a pattern.

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[Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]