murd0r_au123

I'm sorry but this will be all over the place as I only have about 20 minutes to type this out.


Hey guys,

It's been years since i've been here.

And it is good to see you're all going strong... it's good to have a community of people there to help each other.

I guess i'll get right into it and try not to make it so lengthy (as i have no time aswell).

Firstly,

I met a girl.... we moved in with each other right away and finally fell in love...... then we fell pregnant... (I'm nearly 23 and she's nearly 21)

Anyway, before we met I was smoking a lot of marijuana and drinking alcohol everyday.

For 3 years, whilst we've known each other I have continued to do so.

Things were up and down as usual.

Roughly 5 weeks ago I had a Hernia opertaion and returned home... the second morning home my partner woke me up to tell me she was going somewhere and I just flipped out!!!!

I started screaming, yelling and getting really really angry, in and out of agitation. Following her around.

She was holding our daughter in her arms (she was 16months old).

The police come and take me away and put an FVO order (Family Violence Order) - Similar to restraining orders.

Anyway,

For the first week.... she has told me... "I love the real you, please get better soon"... asin she wanted me to get my anger sorted, off the drugs and off the alcohol.

It has been done, I'm now 17days clean or so from them both.. and feel normal.

Now, I will admit.. the drugs/booze really did screw me up!!

And I can't believe just how badly they did, and in how many different ways.

I would get up of a morning, have a shower then smoke weed.

Hours later, all day until I goto bed I would smoke weed. And drink too when I could afford it. (Come home from work at 12AM, drink 3 cans and smoke heaps of weed... just blast my head off!)

It's only now, that I know what it was doing to me.

I never use to hold her hand.
I never use to tell her I loved her
I never use to let her drive her car
I use to never get close to her
I never use to take her anywhere

I even went off my head once at her whilst she was pregnant.

(I never showed her what she meant to be)

This is a lady that has done everything for me...>!!!!! EVERYTHING. And all i've done is throw it all back at her.... and give her nothing.

I made her go without and use to justify that because she had $50 Shampoo/Conditioner and I was the only one who worked, which made it okay for me to waste all mine and hers money.

In 5 years, I still don't OWN my own bed, I have a computer. ps2 and dvd player, but no TV.

Hardly any clothes and just some random posessions.

We were engaged and I DIDNT EVEN GET ON ONE KNEE TO DO IT.


Drugs/booze have lead me to make nothing but bad decisions (getting a loan for a car - without a license - in shitloads of trouble now!!! - drink driving etc) - putting myself into debt, missing rent payments etc.

All I was worried about was alcohol/weed/money .... MONEY TO AFFORD THEM BOTH.


Now, like I said, for the first week she had gone back to her mums and was staying up at our old home every now and then. She wanted me to get better and address everything.

I DID!! AND HAVE!!!

Now, I gave her a letter explaining I couldn't believe what I HAVE DONE!! the monster I was... I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO ANY OF IT..... TO ANYONE... YET ALONE MY DAUGHTER AND FIANCEE. PEOPLE I LOVE SO MUCH.

After reading it (it was a work of art... my true self coming back out of hiding).... she said... NO.. I will not allow myself to be with you ever again... Its your time to hurt now.. AND YES!!! I have slept with someone else!!!..... WOT!?!?!? SO SOON!?!?!?

She continues to tell me that she doesn't care about me anymore and it's been a month since I have seen my daughter...

She is very reliant on her mother because her father passed away before she was born... should i get to her through her mum?!?!

I use to get along well with her to begin with and even that relationship broke down.

I need some advice,

I should be seeing my daughter tomorrow.


BUT AM NOT ALLOWED... to speak about "US" at all.

She keeps telling me to fuck off, I don't love you anymore.. stop calling/txting me.

I Gave her space, time... etc... she wanted me to go see her one night and I thought "Nah, you both need space and its not worth getting caught driving again" so I didn't.

I need to convince her... there is another bloke trying to steal my family!!!!!

IT SUCKS THAT IT HAS TAKEN SO LONG FOR ME TO REALIZE

JUST WHAT WAS REALLY INFRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!


MY DREAMS!!!!


A loving partner, who would do anything for me.. wait on hand and foot or what not... and a beautiful gorges daughter.... A FAMILY!!!

That is my dream.... and i've ruined it...

IT's never too late to do good though!??!?!

I am seeing relationship counsellours and drug/alco counsellours.

I am doing everything POSSIBLE!!!!

Her mum would of told her not to take me back I reckon... she works at a homless/drunk mens shelter.... so she's probably seen it all before.

Should I go there, buy her lunch and just aplogize to her???

I'm sorry for letting you down?? - to her face!?!?

It seems no matter how hard I try... I can't get ahead.... And it appears to be too late?!?!?

I mean, I know she does love me and I can't believe that she doesn't anymore... she loved me so much... probably more than my own mum!!!

Time has run out.... I'll try to update more or whatever... but please people...

Help me pull strings,.!!!!


Reguards, Murd0r


ANY FEED BACK!

I must have them back!!! she has seen all my bad.. but none of my good... and i am full of positive energy.!