phathom

Today, I woke up surrounded in a hospital. I suffered a stroke and my left side is paralyzed. My mom brought me my phone that had a voicemail from my girlfriend of a year and a half saying she wanted to break up. FML

Kinda makes you wish you hadn't woken up huh?

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

Yuck!

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

Ouch

And my favorite

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. We've been together for three months. Two years before we began dating I received a confirmed successful vasectomy that she doesn't know about yet. FML

OH SH*T LMAO

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-snooch to the nooch