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Sometimes I really cant bare to speak to anyone
I dont know how normal, or how abnormal, this is.
On Monday night there was a company funded "night out" at work. I there, had three pints in about 40 minutes... and just was standing on my own. And people kept bothering me by coming and talking to me asking if I was ok cos I looked pissed off, and Id just say I was tired and not feeling well, but in the end when they brought out the buffet and the CEO made some stupid phoney speech I just walked out. Didnt say good bye to anyone, turned off my phone, and went home.
The next day my girl obviously wanted to know where I went - and I had to say I was really tired, I looked for but couldnt find her, my phone battery was dead, etc. Obviously she isnt an idiot so I dont know how believable she finds it but how can I tell her the truth that the simple fact was I literally could be bothered to open my mouth or spend one more second listening to someone saying shit to me, including her?
I would guess at least once a month I feel like I need to be completely alone for 1 or 2 or so days - I wont leave the house, wont answer the door if anyone calls, wont answer the phone, wont answer IM's, etc
Afterwards I feel ok, right now I still feel pissed off and like Id like to get into a fight with someone, but if my phone rang Id answer it.
I think Ive felt like this ever since Ive been an adult, and I dont feel like its getting any better. It causes a real problem with relationships. One girl dumped me she tried to climb the back gate to my flat and fell down cos I kept not answering the phone or the front door... I cant explain to anyone I am with that sometimes for a whole weekend I cant bare to see them, speak to them, have to deal with them in my face - how can you say that to someone youre supposed to care about? Or maybe the real question is how to I change, but I dont see it. I really dont see it.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."
The Gospel of Thomas
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