jewels

You're not a jerk when you're working on understanding someone else.

Keep in mind please that this is based solely on my personal experience. That being said, I learned what I knew about sex on the streets and from books. I wasn't shy about my body (it was pretty fine back then) and I knew men found me attractive, even sexy, but I still wasn't in touch with my own sexuality or even self-gratification.

In my case, it can't be attributed to lack of sexual experience but, in retrospect, I think it can be attributed to lack of world experience and knowledge. Sex was all about self-esteem for me. It was a game designed to get even with all men for the few who I felt had used/abused me when I was very young and vulnerable and it eventually became all about power. I literally got off on the idea that I could walk into a club and point to a guy and know that I'd be leaving with him. He was my conquest and once the deed was done, nothing else mattered.

I really don't know how common a history like mine is, but I'm sharing it with you so you can understand how so many different scenarios can shape the way a woman learns about sex or feels about it.

Anyway, it wasn't until my second marriage, probably when I was about 30 or so, that I experienced my first orgasm. It took close to a year or maybe two until I eventually learned to feel comfortable enough with him to let go and accomplish this with his patience and love. When I finally admitted to him that I was always faking orgasms, he didn't get upset. He always tried to find the right spots, the right touches, and would ask me to tell him. I was extremely shy about admitting what felt good at first, but I did eventually realize it was well worth it. It just took time. After that, everything changed for me. I'd been unleashed and ... well, everything's fine now. I can't imagine not letting a guy know what feels good and I can probably climax faster than some guys with my current beau.

EDIT: As long as I'm confessing here, I had an issue with blow jobs, too. I hate the term still. But where and when I grew up, the bad girls gave blow jobs and they all had syphilis. This is what I knew about oral sex; it's what I learned on the streets. So I had been dating (we were going steady ) this junior when I was about to enter high school. I had lost my virginity to him shortly before school began. During lunch one day, he takes me to the camper (?not sure of the word) on the back of his friend's truck, unzips his pants and says "Blow me!" I was all of 13 years old and it totally blew my mind. I ran out of there so fast. He spat on me that day in front of his friends. Needless to say, it was a somewhat traumatic day and didn't do much for my image of blow jobs. Again, I didn't truly get over that incident until I was with my 2nd husband. Although we only lasted 14 years, he helped me to find myself in many ways.

People can and do change. If you really care about a woman who doesn't appear open to something that pleases you, it might be worthwhile to probe further. Open dialogue. Communicate. And patience.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain