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Inability to Trust
I was in therapy for 3 years taking antidepressants. After making much progress, we decided to end both the therapy and medication several months ago.
Today, I am a fighter; but I have a negative attitude toward many areas of life. Luckily, the positive areas (my abilities, my capabilities) help keep me motivated in my work and life style. So, I've been getting by with great health and a strong work ethic.
I've been failing, however, in one key area - I trust next to nobody. I trust my parents, but that's really it. The one friend I completely trusted has moved away and rarely responds to emails. The other friends I still have scare me, and here are some reasons why:
I'm afraid that if I be myself, all of my friends and potential friends will go away. I'm afraid that other people will dislike me. I'm afraid they'll leave according to
1. The clothes I wear
2. Whether I act cool or not
Ultimately, my problem lies within these two areas. The concern is that if I go with what I want, I will end up having nobody because I foolishly ignored what other people are saying.
A response might be, "if your friends care about how you act or how you dress, then they're not real friends." Is this to say that good friends will tolerate these things?
Girls have come up and told me I'm really hot. Instead of this making me feel good, it bothers me. The reason it upsets me is because I'm afraid it's a situational approval. That is, I looked hot because I wore my clothes a certain way that day, or I shaved a certain way, or I combed my hair a certain way. If I decide to do something different tomorrow, I will no longer be hot. And if I'm not, then I will have wasted my potential. I could have been smart and paid attention to how I was coming off to people; but instead, I did what I wanted and lost the attractiveness.
I don't know how to fix any of this. I never have social fun because I feel like people are thinking I look stupid.
Any thoughts?
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