dalnet22

I was in therapy for 3 years taking antidepressants. After making much progress, we decided to end both the therapy and medication several months ago.

Today, I am a fighter; but I have a negative attitude toward many areas of life. Luckily, the positive areas (my abilities, my capabilities) help keep me motivated in my work and life style. So, I've been getting by with great health and a strong work ethic.

I've been failing, however, in one key area - I trust next to nobody. I trust my parents, but that's really it. The one friend I completely trusted has moved away and rarely responds to emails. The other friends I still have scare me, and here are some reasons why:

I'm afraid that if I be myself, all of my friends and potential friends will go away. I'm afraid that other people will dislike me. I'm afraid they'll leave according to

1. The clothes I wear
2. Whether I act cool or not

Ultimately, my problem lies within these two areas. The concern is that if I go with what I want, I will end up having nobody because I foolishly ignored what other people are saying.

A response might be, "if your friends care about how you act or how you dress, then they're not real friends." Is this to say that good friends will tolerate these things?

Girls have come up and told me I'm really hot. Instead of this making me feel good, it bothers me. The reason it upsets me is because I'm afraid it's a situational approval. That is, I looked hot because I wore my clothes a certain way that day, or I shaved a certain way, or I combed my hair a certain way. If I decide to do something different tomorrow, I will no longer be hot. And if I'm not, then I will have wasted my potential. I could have been smart and paid attention to how I was coming off to people; but instead, I did what I wanted and lost the attractiveness.

I don't know how to fix any of this. I never have social fun because I feel like people are thinking I look stupid.

Any thoughts?

Ch'i

Just be yourself, never compromise on that. People aren't as critical as you think, most anyway. If you are trying to impress someone who would judge you so shallowly, you should first ask yourself why you would possibly want to appeal to such a person.

northstar

Your post is kind of scattered with multiple topics but I'll try to work up a response.

How old are you and what is the situation of these friends? How are you acting now? What is the problem with it? How do you want to act? What types of clothes are you wearing? What types do you want to wear?

As for friendships, it seems you regret your lack of intimate friendships. They're hard to find and most people don't have an intimate friend they can rely on. You may develop a few in time, but don't get down about it. I have found most guy friends typically don't want to be involved in emotionally deep conversations. Most want to stick to sports/politics/media...etc. and yes you should stick to the accepted topics that they discuss. You have to judge each person as an individual though. When you find the right girl one day this void will be filled a little bit.

As far as random people, unless your dressing outrageously or doing things for attention (which i suspect your not), chances are they're not going around thinking about you so there's no reason for the self consciousness.

Your not going to lose your good looks by what you wear or how you wear your hair. Confidence goes further than looks (though both matter) and in the real world you don't get girls on looks alone but a good approach to conversation. And really, do you want the girl that is only going to like you for your fancy clothes and the gel in your hair?

Try to enjoy yourself and become more comfortable with who you are. There's no reason to over analyze everything, it will drive you mad. I speak from experience lol.

Hope this was somewhat helpful.

ratbastid

If three years of therapy didn't sort this out for you, there's precious little a horde of random internet well-wishers is going to be able to accomplish.

Nonetheless, I propose taking the following as your mantra: "CHILL THE FUCK OUT."

Your brain coughs up some new reason to be anxious, you reply to it: Chill the fuck out.

dalnet22

Thanks for the responses. One thing I do that lost me some friends was that I popped the collar on my jean jacket. And yet, I see other people walking around with popped collars, mullets, and other things that seem to be outlawed. How do these people get by? Have they not been told that these things are unacceptable?

And how far can unacceptability be taken? I'm aware that it's socially wrong to pop my collar, but why? Is it innate - is it something that only jerks do, similarly to how only jerks would steal?

The fact that I want to do something does not make it right. That's probably one of the main issues I struggle to work out in my head. When I'm hungry, I know because I get that feeling that I should eat food. But, when my body tells me I should laugh at something such as a mentally retarded person, that is wrong. So I'm supposed to ignore certain impulses.

If that's the case, then how am I supposed to know if an impulse to wear certain clothes is wrong? The other day, I saw someone at a computer lab who wear wearing arm bandsand multiple necklaces with his collared shirt and jeans. Normally, this is frowned upon as being "gay". I was amazed that he could walk around like that. I wonder if he realizes how many people think he looks "retarded."

What helps me get through this stuff is a perspective that I've yet to nail down. That perspective is that if you can not tolerate these choices of clothing, then you are weak. Just as someone studies to become smarter or an athlete trains to become more skilled - those people are training their muscles to tolerate more than they could before. If you don't get your muscles to tolerate more, you will never be smarter or more skilled.

With that same notion, if you never train your mind to tolerate certain types of clothing styles, then you will be weaker than other people who have.

This sounds fairly logical, but something always derails this. For, how far am I supposed to take this analogy of improvement being proportional to tolerance? What about when I laugh at mentally retarded people? Is it wrong because they're not capable of tolerating my humor? What about when I want to laugh at someone who's wearing non matching clothes or someone who has a big head?

^ Are those cases where I should be more tolerant and not find them funny, or should they become more tolerant and accept that they look hilarious?

Where does one draw this line? It ends up making me think that my system fails. And thus, how can I trust that people who dislike my clothing are weak? My upper hand is lost because of my inability to prove the functionality of the system.

ratbastid

dal, have you ever been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum disorder? Because the degree to which your social interactions exist for you inside rigorously analyzed rule-based systems that you're somewhat puzzled about and trying to think your way through could suggest that.

Would it make things any easier for you if you knew that what you're dealing with is very mild Aspurger's Syndrome, for instance? That is, if there were a neurological and neurochemical condition at the root of your confusion about this? Might that make it more acceptable for you to be confused and uncertain in this area, and perhaps focus for you what to put your efforts on?

I'd think that over several years of therapy, that would have gotten picked up on if it were there, but still.

dalnet22

ratbastid, I don't understand why I have to have a disorder to analyze social interactions. Isn't that was philosophers and psychologists base their lives on?

ratbastid

You don't. There's just a way you're going about it that is reminiscent of the people I've known who have Autism Spectrum disorders. But I'm not a doctor.

dalnet22

I understand. In the past, I considered the possibility that I have a form of autism. However, I and my therapist decided I'm just a socially confused person. That is, I've taken the opinions of a few people and expanded on them greatly.

There are two dangerous pitfalls for me:

1. Assuming that what I think and feel is true, when it may have just been caused by an isolated memory. That is, if I see a girl on the bus tomorrow, and I think she will not like me... this is probably because I'm recalling an event where a girl did not like the fact that I spoke to her. An even worse problem is that I could be ignoring the 100 other girls who did not get upset when I spoke to them.

2. Philosophical unprovables. I just made that up, but there is a sector of thinking that can never be proven wrong. But, it's so highly unlikely that to believe in its possibility is to succumb to it. Most people celebrate life and value the progression of it. There is, however, no logical reason why this is so. It's quite possible that humans are viral at heart, destroying the world and causing mayhem. It might be best if we were exterminated. While that sounds quite silly, it is not impossible.

I think staying on the pop collar example will help. I was not born knowing that popping your collar makes you look like a "fag." I learned this through the opinions of other people. The origin of this assumption probably stems from someone being wronged or having felt they were wronged by someone with a pop collar. The wronged labeled this person a jerk and stereotypically attached the pop collar to the jerk. So now, every time they see someone with a popped collar, they incorrectly label them a jerk as well.

What I think it all comes down to is weeding out the false beliefs that stem from incorrect assumptions.

Of course, this then makes me wonder what is truly innate and what is not. As I seem to have pointed out, nobody innately thinks a popped collar is bad. Is it not true that babies prefer pretty faces? It seems like there is an innate knowledge of what is good looking and what is not. (as seen through the Averaged Face studies)

(I can tell I'm going off on a tangent, but what the hell lol)

The moral of the Averaged Face studies was that babies preferred the simplest face. Couldn't this be that babies attribute simplicity with good and complexity with bad? This would suggest that beauty is nothing more than the brain being absent of pain rather than pleasure? That is, if I see a 100 sided figure and am asked to count the sides, my head starts to hurt. But, if I'm asking to count the sides to a triangle, my brain does it with no complaints.

Could it be that "ugly" faces are nothing more than one having to do more processing than on a "pretty" face?

^ But this takes me back to the whole tolerance and weakness theory. We value strength which comes from the breaking down and rebuilding of muscles. This process is painful, but it is valued because it improves our tolerance.

Couldn't it be, then, that "ugly" faces are nothing more than that strength we try to reach? Maybe we should be promoted the tolerance building of accepting "ugly" and frowning on people who settle for the ease of looking at pretty faces?

This is an example of what screws me up. Unfortunately, telling me to chill out and not think about these things will not work. I refuse to just accept something (like most religious people do) without questioning it.

mixedsubstance

I just hate the fact of if someone has an issue with something, that they have a disorder of somesort.

First of all, dalnet22- we need to back up to your childhood and upbringing. Does anything stand out or ring a bell that could trigger the thoughts you have today?

And, i don't want to give you the whole 'who cares how you dress?' or 'a real friend will accept you the way you are or tell you straight up when they don't approve'- While this is all true, that's not what you want to hear, and frankly (and sadly) that's not how society is. You tell some about a person on how they dress. Honestly- If you want to feel cool and good about yourself without question, do this: study today's fashion. Look at what guys are wearing and their haircuts. Look at magazines. Watch TV. This will give you a good idea of how people dress nowadays. And, of course, focus on those who are around your age. Then go browsing at stores. No rush to buy anything, just get an idea of what trends you see, what looks cool, and what makes you feel good when you try it on. Then, the haircut- if you don't already, get a simple short cut. Maybe a little spikey, but no more than an inch. It's simple, subtle, and nice. Can't go wrong with it, and you are ready for any occassion.
What you need to do is stop focusing on what is right and wrong, cool or not cool, and just focus on what makes you feel good. Clothing and otherwise. If women have told you you're hot, you need to take pride in that (without cockiness, of course). But what turns women off is if you are not confident. And don't pay attention to what they may think of you, you need to pay attention to THEM. To what they like, their interests, what they laugh or cry at, what makes them move. Once you are paying attention to another human as another human (not a judge of society or popularity wranglers) then they will accept you as you- because you are confident, cool, and you pay attention to them and know them for who they are as you would want them to know you for who you are.

Hope that helps some.

Also- have you ever thought of hypnosis? I really think that something like that will help you uncover the root of your issues, and to overcome them.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

dalnet22

Thanks, mixedsubstance. I guess my confidence comes from my ability to accept myself. I remember when I was a child - when I was happy go lucky. I enjoyed dressing goofy or wearing crazy colors or just not caring how I looked. Then, a girl I really liked said I was a dork. Some friends said I would never make it through high school. Some people in high school ignored me. My closest friends in college critiqued me and told me how I should dress to impress girls. My first girlfriend made me by polos because that's the proper type of shirt.

People I have valued have told me that I'm supposed to care about how I look. Granted, there have been people who don't care about how I look. Those would include my parents, my best friend who is long gone, and others.

I think what it comes down to is being aware of the consequences. If I focus on how I dress, I'm wasting brain power that could be spent on something more long term. If people around me are sensitive to the way fabric is placed on a person, then they are also inappropriately using their time.

Appropriate time usage would seem to go along with something that strengthens the person for survival.

mixedsubstance

It sounds like you are still living in that 'school-age peer pressure' life, and now I know- even though you've heard it before, I have got to say from hearing your past experience- GET OVER IT. It's not High School/College anymore. And your friends were just trying to help you, not criticize you (even though at school-age, they can be harsher) Yes, women pay attention to how guys dress- but it's not at the school-age mentality anymore. Who cares about your young crush or other peers anymore. This is the real world. You ARE wasting brain power, and also time and real opportunities with great people because of this fear you are clinging onto. If I were there right now, I'd give you a good wake-up slap and take you shopping. Seriously- try what I suggested, even if it comes down to the possibility of hypnosis if the studying and shopping doesn't work. And, honestly, gay guys tend to have a great fashion sense (sometimes a little too flamboyant themselves) but they know how to dress other people at their best.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

anti fishstick

It's to say that good friends won't CARE about these things. So tolerating or not is not the issue with good friends. They simply will look past that and it will be a non-issue. Good friends are non-judgmental.

You remind me of a guy I used to casually date... He felt so bad wearing a baseball cap to an "indie" show and wondered what people would think about him. He seriously deliberated back and forth with me as to whether he should wear this hat or not, looking in the mirror, trying it on, taking it off, looking in the mirror again, and repeat. I felt like I was dating a girl!

I am telling you this because from my (a girl's) perspective, this is VERY unattractive behavior. Attractiveness is so much more than physical attractiveness, whether or not a girl thinks you're "hot"... Confidence is a big player in whether a person appears attractive or not. This is way more a confidence issue than it is a trust issue, IMO.

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

jewels

Wow. Clothing choices make or break relationships?

I used to be so amazingly cool that I swore I'd never date a guy who wore polyester. When I was 30, I met my second husband, who wore polyester pants. I fell for him anyway. You know why? He wore them with confidence and I realized that clothing didn't make the man.

It ain't the clothing that will decide if people like you. That's shallow. But the way you carry yourself will make an impression.

It almost always comes back to self-esteem. Whatever's occurred in your past is your past. Every day is your new opportunity to start again, so why not start listing the good things about yourself, focusing on those, and walking out the door confident in who you are?

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

mixedsubstance

Anti and Jewels said it very well in short.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*