After reading that enormous article, that I confess I skimmed through towards the end, here is my take on this issue:
Settle is a bad word to call deciding to be with someone in a relationship for the longterm.
I concede that there is a difference between being rapturously in love with someone, and loving them for who they really are.
I would say a woman should never settle. Nor should a man.
If you feel you are settling, I think the level of satisfaction and happiness you will achieve in your life will be sadly low.
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settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.
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I get the disillusionment part. Yes, some people have misguided ideas about what it is to share your life with someone on a daily basis. But I think you can be in love with someone AND accept their flaws also.
The article talks about "keeping your eye on the prize". It makes it sound like the person you choose to be with in a committed relationship is some kind of trophy. That's not true love to me.
It also speaks of marrying "mr. good enough". Well to me being in love is when you have found that person where you don't want for anything that is essential to you. Sure, nothing's perfect. But perfect is an abstract idea in our head that is always just out of reach. If you just stop thinking about better then you can appreciate what you have around you already.
There are other bits and pieces in this article I have snipped out:
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Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with.
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Can't it be about both?
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What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your bullshit and puts up with your quirks.
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This was mentioned as something desired after the writer realized she'd like to "settle". To me, this statement is what I look for already, in a realistic, and romantic way. I don't understand, isn't this what any woman who is minimally experienced in the ways of life and love looks for? Love is in the details.
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I would say even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he’s someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you … I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway).
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Well sure. We all go down that path eventually, ageing. But does this mean to say that all women over 35 think of nothing but the superficial aspects of men and nothing more? It's very relative...we all like different things.
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we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family.
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I sure didn't grow up that way. I knew that I wanted a strong connection to be there. And life is what you make it. Uninspiring? Maybe you weren't really giving 100 % to it in the first place.
So is what I'm talking about settling or "making an adult compromise" as the author says?
Call it what you will. I say, don't settle. Love your life and learn to be thankful for the good things you have. If you're miserable, don't let yourself stay that way too long. I'd say it's far worse to let yourself die inside long before your body has passed on, than to feel fulfilled no matter what path you've chosen in life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm on the cusp of the situation this article describes. I am 28, going on 29. Still pretty single. Would like to have kids. Have thought what I'd do if I couldn't get in the right situation to have them, before it's...too late.
But I still think, don't settle. Settle is a dirty word. I may find someone I love, who isn't perfect, and decide that I love them far more than I care about their flaws. And they might do the same for me. And that would be pretty awesome. I'll get back to you in a few years
