Acetylene

She probably isn't attracted to him. If she did have sex with him, it wasn't because she was horny and she probably wasn't even turned on - but the attention he would have lavished on her and the validation of her attractiveness would be all the incentive she needed.

Everyone likes to be desired. Women in particular are trained to value attention and approval of others above all else. Hence, the high rate of anorexia, the expensive makeup, the shoes that mangle our feet.

Once you're married, you can't seek approval and attention the easy way (by offering sex, or the hope of sex). A lot of women can't handle this or don't think it's fair. Personally, I was relieved to be off the market, so to speak. Life got a lot simpler. But I think I'm probably kind of unusual for a girl my age (I'm 23).

I wish I could offer more specific suggestions for you, but I think what she's feeling might be similar to what a man feels in his "midlife crisis" -- "I'm still a man, I'm still strong and sexy, I deserve to have a little fun, I will prove it with my muscle car and new blonde girlfriend." Maybe the analogy will help a little.

I don't know if it's reasonable to expect her to give up all the "fun" that she obviously misses. She might say it's not fair, I don't know. Personally, I think that kind of "fun" is a genetic imperative and nothing more, and it's hurtful in the long run, and people are happier when they are in a long-term relationship... but I am old-fashioned.

Your therapist will have seen this behavior a hundred times before, and s/he will know what to do. Good luck! And remember--you should like your therapist, and if you don't, find a new one.

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