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toxic515 · 08-04-2008, 06:48 PM

Prince,
I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. Obviously there are many schools of thought about trust, snooping, splitting up, etc.

I'm a big proponent for contracts, agreements spelled out in detail. Marriage / dating are some of the most interesting contracts, in my opinion. We don't buy a house or a car without knowing the details up front, yet we date or marry without really considering most of the contract. In fact the contract tends to be defined by the end of the relationship. As a result, I'm not a fan of the "unspoken" contract; The unvoiced expectation that I will trade this for that.

Every relationship is, in fact, a contract. It is an exchange of value for value. Most contracts have clauses that allow for restitution or at least consequences when the contract is broken. Since the relationship tends to be one of those nefarious unspoken contracts, you have to decide for yourself where your values lie. Have you ceased receiving value in the relationship? Is this irreconcilable? Is there likely to be a time when the value will be repaid, if it is not being exchanged now? Are you providing the necessary value to her? At this point, perhaps she is failing to see the value you bring to the relationship, even if it does exist.

Before you surrender to rage or frustration, take a moment to define your own values in this relationship. Love is a funny thing, people tend to think you should love unconditionally. I do not believe this at all. I don't love for no reason at all, and I don't think anyone else does either. If the things that cause you to love no longer exist, then you have to make decisions, and basing them on logic is about the only way to go about it.

My wife did something very similar in our early years of marriage. Now, to be fair we found later that she was suffering from a very serious clinical depression. However at that time we did not know that, nor would it have completely excused the situation. I snooped. I suspected that she was breaking the contract, which was clearly spoken, as was yours. How else does one acquire proof, if the other party will only hide it more. That being said, I informed her before looking at anything that I did not believe her and would like to see chat logs and emails. She refused, acting incensed that I would dare to question her. I simply informed her that her options were limited at that point. I was going to either look with her direct permission and we would discuss it, I would hack her machine and get the answers, or i would fail to hack it, and simply assume that she was lying and take whatever action I felt appropriate. I succeeded in checking her computer, and some of my fears were confirmed, some were not.

She was incredibly angry, a reaction I had accepted as probable when I decided on my course of action at the time. She maintained that I was the culprit, since I had gone looking for trouble. I had also accepted that this was a likely reaction to my snooping. I told her, without rancor or rage, that that left her with choices again, limited, but similar to mine. We had 2 very young children, and that was going to affect my decision. I decided at that time that perhaps we both needed some time to evaluate the exchange of value in our relationship. Perhaps it was time to separate and to identify what we each thought was important. It lasted about 2 days. I spent a single night away from home. She called the second day for a discussion. In that discussion we laid the ground rules that have governed our treatment of each other for the past 10 years. Those rules have been flexible, they have been modified over time, but they have been the bedrock for a love and a friendship that has weathered ups and downs in fine fashion. Nothing remains unspoken to us now. If something is an issue, it must be discussed as soon as it becomes a problem.
I don't want to turn this into more of a dissertation, but with work and communication on BOTH sides, the relationship is not dead. However, nobody can sing a duet alone, and if she won't participate in the repair, it's not going to work. You have to decide what your boundaries REALLY are, and you have to stick to them. But define them with honesty to yourself before you break out the hammer.

08-04-2008, 06:48 PM	#27 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	Prince, I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. Obviously there are many schools of thought about trust, snooping, splitting up, etc. I'm a big proponent for contracts, agreements spelled out in detail. Marriage / dating are some of the most interesting contracts, in my opinion. We don't buy a house or a car without knowing the details up front, yet we date or marry without really considering most of the contract. In fact the contract tends to be defined by the end of the relationship. As a result, I'm not a fan of the "unspoken" contract; The unvoiced expectation that I will trade this for that. Every relationship is, in fact, a contract. It is an exchange of value for value. Most contracts have clauses that allow for restitution or at least consequences when the contract is broken. Since the relationship tends to be one of those nefarious unspoken contracts, you have to decide for yourself where your values lie. Have you ceased receiving value in the relationship? Is this irreconcilable? Is there likely to be a time when the value will be repaid, if it is not being exchanged now? Are you providing the necessary value to her? At this point, perhaps she is failing to see the value you bring to the relationship, even if it does exist. Before you surrender to rage or frustration, take a moment to define your own values in this relationship. Love is a funny thing, people tend to think you should love unconditionally. I do not believe this at all. I don't love for no reason at all, and I don't think anyone else does either. If the things that cause you to love no longer exist, then you have to make decisions, and basing them on logic is about the only way to go about it. My wife did something very similar in our early years of marriage. Now, to be fair we found later that she was suffering from a very serious clinical depression. However at that time we did not know that, nor would it have completely excused the situation. I snooped. I suspected that she was breaking the contract, which was clearly spoken, as was yours. How else does one acquire proof, if the other party will only hide it more. That being said, I informed her before looking at anything that I did not believe her and would like to see chat logs and emails. She refused, acting incensed that I would dare to question her. I simply informed her that her options were limited at that point. I was going to either look with her direct permission and we would discuss it, I would hack her machine and get the answers, or i would fail to hack it, and simply assume that she was lying and take whatever action I felt appropriate. I succeeded in checking her computer, and some of my fears were confirmed, some were not. She was incredibly angry, a reaction I had accepted as probable when I decided on my course of action at the time. She maintained that I was the culprit, since I had gone looking for trouble. I had also accepted that this was a likely reaction to my snooping. I told her, without rancor or rage, that that left her with choices again, limited, but similar to mine. We had 2 very young children, and that was going to affect my decision. I decided at that time that perhaps we both needed some time to evaluate the exchange of value in our relationship. Perhaps it was time to separate and to identify what we each thought was important. It lasted about 2 days. I spent a single night away from home. She called the second day for a discussion. In that discussion we laid the ground rules that have governed our treatment of each other for the past 10 years. Those rules have been flexible, they have been modified over time, but they have been the bedrock for a love and a friendship that has weathered ups and downs in fine fashion. Nothing remains unspoken to us now. If something is an issue, it must be discussed as soon as it becomes a problem. I don't want to turn this into more of a dissertation, but with work and communication on BOTH sides, the relationship is not dead. However, nobody can sing a duet alone, and if she won't participate in the repair, it's not going to work. You have to decide what your boundaries REALLY are, and you have to stick to them. But define them with honesty to yourself before you break out the hammer. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.