Impetuous1

I know and feel your pain. I went through something similar about three years ago with my current boyfriend. At that time we had been together about three years. I would walk into the room and he would minimize his chat window. I didn't think anything of it at first, until I noticed that he was doing this often when he thought he was going to be alone for a period of time. Later he confessed he had been "flirting" with this girl and offered to show me what was said. At the time I felt I trusted him and said that there was no need to see what he was writing to her as long as he didn't do it anymore. I let it go. Then I noticed he was still doing the same thing. I asked him what was going on and he just said he didn't think his privacy should be violated or something along that line. I started getting suspicious because when the chat window was up he would laugh and I would ask him what was so funny and he wouldn't respond.

So I did exactly what you did. My radars were going off that something was wrong. When he was talking to this girl, I felt like he completely forgot about me. He started becoming emotionally distant. I quickly found out what his definition of "flirting" was. Asking her to take off her shirt while she was on video cam with him. Asking if she would like a warm pillar of flesh. My head reeled, I felt sick. My heart was beating hard and fast. So I became angry and woke him up to let him know I discovered his dirty secrets. He was angry I'd broken into his computer and said she was just a friend, etc. This girl lived in China BTW, so there was no real chance of him physically cheating. Basically he told me I was being irrational because he wasn't doing anything wrong but he that he wouldn't talk to her anymore. However, much like your situation he lied to me. This went on for about four months.

I spoke with the girl who he was chatting with a few times as well. She always did her best to be nice to me. But I would always find more evidence every time I broke into his computer that he was lying to me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I dreaded going home after work. I was a nervous wreck because I was always wondering if he was at it again. So, I started planning to move out. At that point he finally took me seriously and has stopped speaking with her. I made up with him and stayed. We're still together.

However, I wish I had handled things differently. I do regret breaking into his computer. I wish I had looked at those chat logs he had offered to show me. I also wish I would have just moved out when I found out about the content of his online "flirting". It would have saved me lots of heartache and sleepless nights. I could have just moved on.

But, as I mentioned, I stayed. I love him very much despite what happened. I still can't think back on it without getting teary eyed and a little sick to my stomach. This is three years later. I'm not going to lie, the trust is not completely back (for either of us-I did break into his computer) but it's still growing. But now I know the limits of our relationship. If anything like that happens again, it's over.

So, my advice is this. If you stay, you're looking at a relationship that may never be fully healed. What I think of it as is rebuilding the relationship from the ground up. But it's kind of worse since they've already disrespected you. If you go, you're looking at lot's of heartache, but you're also looking at a clearer head. Just because you leave doesn't mean it's over, it just means that you need time to heal yourself and decide what the next steps are.

Wow, I didn't think I was going to write that much but I felt I should share my much abbreviated story (let's just say I found out about all sorts of things when I looked through his comp) with you since I was was in a situation similar to yours.