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Originally Posted by abaya
Dude, we seem to have a lot in common. Fear of success--something that Cyn could tell us more about, too (he's good at this stuff). I've talked a lot about this before on TFP (not sure where--journals or some thread)--about not accepting the fact that I am privileged for whatever reasons, and that I have so many choices in front of me--I can never let myself believe that I deserve it. I just let myself feel "lucky," and that's as far as I can go. Because I sincerely don't believe that the billions of other less-fortunate people in this world are less deserving than I am--they were simply born into different circumstances, and for those reasons, they received less opportunities than I did. And that is the little voice in the back of MY head, and it's often what does propel me, so that I don't let the opportunities go to waste.
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I think everyone feels this way; some are more vocal about their problems accepting success. I think that comes with an acceptance that everyone needs help which is why we are both advocates of therapy and are both so analytical. I accept that I'm going to have problems, and I'd rather face them in public, let others know they aren't alone, then try to deal with my demons behind closed doors. There is no shame in feeling fucked up; everyone does.
The problem isn't that the opportunities I have in front of me just fell into my lap, because I worked really hard for them and pushed my way through a lot of shit for it to happen. But the idea of accepting that you're being recognized for the work you've put in, the talent and work ethic you can offer, after being conditioned to be "propelled" forward by rejection, is almost strangely inverse for me; it makes me doubt myself more then the opposite. It's part of my job though. But you kind of get into the arts with the impression that you'll never make it anywhere.
But yeah; you, me, and some chai. We can discuss how we hate our mothers, or something.