abaya

Have you ever had to force yourself to become accustomed to something that you found wholly unacceptable, in your daily life? Something that would destroy your spirit, if you let it take over your thoughts--and so you have to find a way to make it okay somehow, without losing your mind?

My last living grandparent lives here in Iceland, and during my most recent visit with her on Tuesday, a few thoughts came to mind. She had mentioned how hard it must be for ktsp's parents to deal with having their only son so far away from home (they have a daughter as well, who lives at home)--and I said to her, "Well, you understand how they feel." She nodded.

My grandmother watched 4 of her 10 children migrate away from Iceland: 3 to the US (triplets, of which my father was one), and 1 to Norway. None have ever moved back to Iceland, and my father died while he was away. This was perhaps the biggest "unacceptable" thing to deal with--how does one reconcile that kind of loss with one's daily reality?

It occurred to me that my grandmother has had to accept the unacceptable throughout her life, from her twin sister dying of TB when they were 16, to her son and then her husband dying, all very suddenly. And I assume that no parent wants their child to be so far away from them (across international borders and oceans), that they cannot quickly come to their aid, if the child is in need--even if the child is an adult.

Of course, many children do go that far away from their parents, and the parents have to accept this reality. Ktsp's parents are well on their way to accepting his absence--I am not sure if my mother has accepted mine, but I have been gone for 5 years now, and could possibly be gone for 2 more--and she has no choice but to go on living as if my absence didn't matter to her. How does the human mind cope with such things?

I don't know what it's like to have to accept something that feels so unacceptable, on a gut level. I had a taste of it during the 2 years of long distance with ktspktsp, but even that was not as horrible as losing him in an accident, or watching him die slowly. I am not sure how I would cope, in such a case. What if I had to deal with taking care of one (or both) of my parents for a long-term illness? What if I had no choice, even if it was a lifestyle that was totally unacceptable to me? What if one of our children is born with a debilitating disease or birth defect? It all sounds very selfish, I know--but I'm being honest here.

I am used to being able to make the changes that reduce this kind of "adjustment"--which makes me privileged, and probably naive. I have never been truly "stuck" with a reality that made me uncomfortable on a daily basis. I know that my grandmother has had to face that kind of reality, and so do ktsp's parents, and so does my mother--and they go on living as best they can, despite the sense of loss in their hearts. I wonder what kinds of unacceptable realities I will have to face in my lifetime.

So, how have you coped with these kinds of situations? I'd be very interested in hearing other people's stories.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran