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Thanks to all for your thoughtful answers so far. It's good to know about other people's experiences and thoughts about this kind of thing. As I said, I'm usually an advocate of hanging in there, finishing what you started, etc... which is what makes this decision even harder. I usually love being challenged, in a way that I know I can handle it. But this is not like that.
No, it's not just a rainy day (in fact, magnets, you know it's a beautiful day in Iceland!)--as I said, I've had crises like this of wanting to quit my PhD pretty regularly for the last 3 years. They've become far more intense and regular since we moved to Iceland and I've been 100% on my own in terms of no supervisor, no classes, no structure on my day, for going on 16 months now.
I don't know if I've "quit" yet (in my mind) or not... I do believe that if I were working on a non-quantitative dissertation, then I would have finished a PhD in no time. But the stickler remains the increasingly quantitative nature of the dissertation, and that is 100% what has stolen the pleasure out of what I am doing. There is no way around some extremely complex statistical calculations in my work, and let me tell you, I barely know my way around a basic correlation.
Trust me, and don't try to make me feel better on this one: I am BAD at math and statistics, and I have been since I was in grade school. I accepted that long ago (otherwise I would have loved to study physics in college, but I could not keep up in math). If I had EVER known that I would have had to write a dissertation based almost completely on number-crunching and interpreting statistical analyses--no way. I would never have gone down this road, not in a million years.
I know my skills and talents, and I know that statistics is not one of them. I am tired of feeling disabled and stupid just because I can't make sense of a simple calculation. I know that I'm smart in other ways, but those ways have been completely squashed by the requirements of this PhD. I like being able to "shine" when I work (doesn't everyone?), knowing that I am contributing to success and being useful... I have not had that feeling for 5 years now.
Cyn, you're right in that it comes down to me and my husband, since he's the one supporting me now that my funding has run out. Due to my intensifying crises in the last month, ktspktsp has suggested that I continue collecting the data I need for the dissertation (which I cannot begin to write until I have 260 surveys returned--and that will take about 6 more months), and then we move back to the US as we hope, at the end of this year.
Then I could take a whole year off to work, live like a normal person (the whole 9-5 lifestyle that I crave), contribute to the household, and figure out what the hell I want to do... basically, give myself a true break. And then, after all that, decide if I still want to quit, or take up the data and start analyzing it, and write the dissertation (which will take about a year, I think).
This offer from him has been my saving grace, recently. It's all I can do to pull together this conference paper for Spain (due Tuesday)--and after that, I'll just be collecting data for the rest of the year, which I can manage. And then, I might just be able to take the break that my husband is talking about, and sort my head out about whether or not I should continue.
As for Cyn's question, "What would I do if I weren't afraid?... I would quit, and be overjoyed about it. However, the other question is, "What would I do if statistics came easier to me, and if I wanted to do research for the rest of my life?"--I would continue, hands down. But neither of those two conditions apply to me, and I feel like it's useless to continue forcing myself into two molds that I cannot see myself ever fitting into, nor do I want to.
So, it's more a matter of figuring out 1) What am I good at? and 2) What do I enjoy doing? and 3) What could I get a job doing, that combines those two things?... and re-evaluating this whole PhD plan in that light.
__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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