abaya

Being an over-communicator myself, I would have to agree... though I would say that the little issues (toilet seat, etc) never really go away, but they get compromised on in a healthy manner if there's good and loving communication. I mean, our two little annoying things (why do annoying things always happen in the bathroom?) are 1) me leaving my hair in the shower, and 2) him blowing his nose in the sink. Yes, both very attractive behaviors. But we make a big joke out of the whole thing, when we notice the other person doing it... so instead of accusing and escalating the argument, we tease each other about it and that deflates any tension. It's so much better to laugh with each other (or at least hold each other, if we're having a difficult conversation) than to scream at each other.

I also think that doing a little research on good marriage patterns never hurt anyone, and I have to say that I learned a lot about how to fight/disagree fairly by reading Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, before we got married. I also went to individual counseling to deal with my issues, and we did a little bit of couples' counseling before getting engaged, to make sure that we were in the right place. (I'm anxiety-prone, and we were about to make an international move right after getting married, so we didn't want to make bad decisions in the middle of all that.) We still have to work a lot on our patterns, but by no means are they dealbreakers.

But I'm the type of person that assumes ALL relationships and friendships have issues (other than Shani and Dave! ), and that's just part of life... learning how to deal with each other's crap without looking for an escape route. This is assuming there are no major incompatibilities in the marriage in the first place, but in my mind, those kinds of things ought to have been addressed before taking the jump into such a commitment. I don't really understand how people don't figure those kinds of things out beforehand, saving themselves a lot of pain and heartache down the road, but my experience is fairly limited.

It would be really good to hear about some marriages that are really struggling, but working hard to make it... or people who have gone through some serious shit, and are now doing much better (or maybe just decided to end it). This thread isn't supposed to be about happy marriages!... just marriages in general, how we're all doing in that sense.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran