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I am going to call down the thunder here, but trust me, I have years of experience, and have done the counseling, for myself and as the counselor for others. Do not get married until you can work thru this. That is my first piece of advice. Secondly, the kind of self image problems she is demonstrating sound very deeply rooted, so it isn't going to be easy. You never ever want to reward this kind of behavior. (I know, we aren't training a puppy here) Her self image is not your problem, but you can help. She needs to understand that you are not the answer to her self image problems, but that how she feels about herself is in her control. So, she has some kind of learned helplessness about her self image, and she needs to learn how to flex some better thinking muscles and start changing things. Sometimes, a counselor is the best person to do that with. I think that might be the right way to go, because she talks to you about how she's not happy with this or that, but won't do anything about it. She doesn't want to change (not yet) she wants affirmation for who she is right now. When she asks you if you think someones cute, ask her why she wants to know. Put it back in her court. don't let her get you on the ride, because the ride sucks. If it goes back and forth, tell her you would feel shallow if you just judged people on their appearances, so you just don't feel comfortable narrowing it down that way. Ask her about her goals for herself. If she doesn't have any good self improvement goals, tell her you want to help her set some, and help her meet them. Tell her how much that kind of goal setting means to you. Reward her behavior when it is positive with tons of praise, but don't even acknowledge her when she starts turning into the sucking black hole of need. It will kill you if you become her life support system.
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"My give up, my give up." - Jar Jar Binks
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