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mixedmedia · 05-04-2008, 02:42 PM

Well, I don't know if I have any advice really. It's kind of a complicated situation.

First of all, it sounds to me like you both have clashing expectations.

If I'm reading you right then he fell in love with you when you weighed 25 pounds more than you do now. If your weight was a problem for him he should have been up front with you about it and you could have dealt with it then, or he could have split with you and looked for someone who more closely matched his physical preference if it were that important to him.

As for the pornography thing, I totally understand where you are coming from as I am the mother of two daughters who were abused and one of them is currently dealing with this with her boyfriend. She understands intellectually that it shouldn't bother her that he looks at porn because her boyfriend is very responsive to her looks, but it does anyway because of self-esteem issues possibly related to her abuse (but not necessarily). And I sympathize with her. BUT, on the other hand, I also tell her that her issues ultimately are her own to come to terms with. Most men look at pornography - good men, bad men, sensitive men, shallow men....all kinds of men, and she can't allow that to perpetually make her feel bad about herself. It's nothing personal.

That said, I'm not sure if this is a situation that will ever be put right. You've questioned your boyfriend about an activity that is usually harmless and instead of being consoled by him and reassured that he finds you desirable, you've found out...something else. Perhaps I'm missing something, but how does one go about telling their girlfriend the only parts of their body that turn them on are her breasts and ass? I'm not sure how you're supposed to react favorably to that. That's not to say that he should lie to you, but no doubt it's a heavy piece of information to coalesce with a comfortable intimate relationship. Perhaps this lack of tact and the fact that he wasn't supportive about your weight loss should be throwing up some red flags...

I hate giving advice in these situations though...just food for thought. It's difficult when you don't actually know the people involved.

But I feel for you. I don't think you're over-reacting to the situation at all.

05-04-2008, 02:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	Well, I don't know if I have any advice really. It's kind of a complicated situation. First of all, it sounds to me like you both have clashing expectations. If I'm reading you right then he fell in love with you when you weighed 25 pounds more than you do now. If your weight was a problem for him he should have been up front with you about it and you could have dealt with it then, or he could have split with you and looked for someone who more closely matched his physical preference if it were that important to him. As for the pornography thing, I totally understand where you are coming from as I am the mother of two daughters who were abused and one of them is currently dealing with this with her boyfriend. She understands intellectually that it shouldn't bother her that he looks at porn because her boyfriend is very responsive to her looks, but it does anyway because of self-esteem issues possibly related to her abuse (but not necessarily). And I sympathize with her. BUT, on the other hand, I also tell her that her issues ultimately are her own to come to terms with. Most men look at pornography - good men, bad men, sensitive men, shallow men....all kinds of men, and she can't allow that to perpetually make her feel bad about herself. It's nothing personal. That said, I'm not sure if this is a situation that will ever be put right. You've questioned your boyfriend about an activity that is usually harmless and instead of being consoled by him and reassured that he finds you desirable, you've found out...something else. Perhaps I'm missing something, but how does one go about telling their girlfriend the only parts of their body that turn them on are her breasts and ass? I'm not sure how you're supposed to react favorably to that. That's not to say that he should lie to you, but no doubt it's a heavy piece of information to coalesce with a comfortable intimate relationship. Perhaps this lack of tact and the fact that he wasn't supportive about your weight loss should be throwing up some red flags... I hate giving advice in these situations though...just food for thought. It's difficult when you don't actually know the people involved. But I feel for you. I don't think you're over-reacting to the situation at all. __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce Last edited by mixedmedia; 05-04-2008 at 02:45 PM..