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I had to think about this one before answering. Which is odd in retrospect, because once I determined the correct answer it seemed intuitive.
Choices dictate reality.
I often encounter a view of love as if it is something apart from the individual. So many people seem to think that love just happens, and that there's no control or input from the individuals. I think this is a product of media; novels, films and television all depict love as some irresistable mystical force, which is kind of ridiculous. Love is a verb, as well as a noun; it's an action we choose to undertake.
If you believe you can only fall in love with one person at a time, or if you choose that, then that's how it will be for you. I have often claimed to be a simple man, and that holds true here as in other aspects of my life. Polyamory is complex, and I prefer the simplicity of monogamy. I can love one person and be infatuated with another, but I cannot love two people at once in a romantic sense because I choose not to. Once I make the choice, my actions and responses follow and my version of love is shaped by that.
Storybook romances rarely happen outside of storybooks, and it's my belief that when they do there's a degree of self-delusion involved. I have a feeling this may illicit indignant responses from some quarters. Some people seem to think that characterizing love as a choice cheapens it in some way. Personally, I think just the opposite; believing that love is something that I choose to undertake (or not, as the case may be) strengthens it. Rather than being swept up in a current with no say in the matter, I choose to dive in and consciously choose the risks inherent in that. It takes a lot more courage to choose a course of action that has a strong potential to lead to pain and heartbreak than to be unwillingly forced down that path.
It is important in this discussion to draw distinctions between love and infatuation. My guideline is to always bear in mind that I cannot truly love someone I do not know; if I don't know who this woman is, any romantic feelings I have from her are the result of either infatuation or a mental image I've constructed that likely has no bearing on reality.
Naturally, one must also distinguish between romantic, platonic and familial love. I sometimes think it's odd that these three different but related emotions are all defined with the same word.
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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said
- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
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