Originally Posted by trache

If there are any questions to help make my post fair and balanced, please ask away. I am not interested in painting a poor picture of my girlfriend without trying to honestly explain myself to the public either... on the with show.

First of all, I must say that there are two sides to every story. Even though you have offered her side of the story from your point of view, it still does not make your statements fair until she actually says it herself.

Seeing each other for about 8.5 years. She was in high school, I was in college. She went to university about an hour away, and we saw each other as much as we could during that time. Marriage was not in the fore-front of our minds, although it was something we discussed lightly.

She graduated, and I had been working at my job, until I got let go by my employer. At the same time, she had been going to school for another year. She completed a year at a new job, and almost a year went on, and I moved for a new job about 2 hours away. I had that job and lost it 4 months afterwards. All the while, she would come to visit. A got a better job in a larger city. This one was more stable.

I moved my life, and I asked her to be with me, and she did. She wanted a commitment from me before we moved that I would marry her, and I felt that I wasn't ready for one, but that if she moved it would be the "next stage" (in my mind) and I wasn't going to simply break up with her or move on without her or anything similar.

I also was not using that as an excuse to "test drive" the relationship. I cannot emphasize that enough. It simply wasn't the case, and I only wanted to be close to her, to live with her, and start a new life. I felt that buying a ring, with our limited incomes, wouldn't be the smart thing for us to do, especially in these times of student loans, car loans, low paying jobs, and un-stable job market. While buying something small and asking her to marry probably would have gone far with her thoughts of "us", I just didn't do it. I couldn't. Buying something she could be proud to show off was important to me. I wanted her to know, when the time was right, that I meant business and that I wasn't fooling around. I would save for a couple of months when I knew I could in order to buy her a ring.

I do not believe that asking someone for a committment in that sense is unreasonable. You asked her to move and be with you and also give up her life in her home town. That is a big committment and sacrifice that she is giving to you. After 8 years I don't think a marriage proposal is unreasonable. I firmly believe that no one will ever be in a perfect financial situation. What exactly where you waiting for?

Because of a hereditary condition in the family, her parents divorced. After a long battle trying to deal with it, her parents split. Not amicably. I'll leave it at that. My girlfriend may develop the condition later, which frightens me.

How do you know this for sure? Why would you continue a relationship if you were that scared about the future? It doesn't seem fair.

I should also mention that she is "overweight". I put that in quotes because it's all relative, for those of you who know what I mean. My girlfriend has a short stature, but has wide hips. It is a problem for me in that she always seems to have low self esteem about it. I'm also one of those guys who isn't exactly turned on by petite women, or ridiculously obese women either. I love love love her figure.

During a period about 2 or 3 years ago, she purchased a book by Dr Phil and it helped immensely. I cannot recommend it enough, and it did help her. She smiled! She loved being in pictures! More importantly, my family noticed many times and commented whenever I came home for a visit. Unfortunately, she fell out of that mindset and slowly became more depressed than she had been in recent months. Although I feel I could have dealt with it, I honestly don't know anymore. It means a lot to me to have my future wife be able to run around with her kids, or save one from a pool of water in a flash of a second if necessary.

I would try to encourage her and at the very least tell her I wasn't happy about her mind, more than her body. She wasn't very happy, and where would that lead the both of us? She is very attractive to me, and I understand that both men and women don't exactly look like Greek Mythological figures in later years. I didn't care that in 20 years she might not be the filly I know her to be now. At the very least, I want her to be content or at peace with herself, instead of always upset about the way she looks. I believe this affected a great deal of our relationship.

Did you ever think that maybe there was another underlying issue here? Maybe her real issue was not her weight, but something else. Did she ever have any traumatic life experiences that caused her to be depressed? I don't think you should pass judgement on her in this sense. It is just not fair. Maybe you should have tried to make her feel good in other ways rather than always making it about her appearance, be it positive or negative.

She always seems to be angry at me, and of course, because I am male, I'll never understand exactly why. She holds a very authoritarian job, so it probably shines through a bit. She'll always ask me if I love her (yes, always!). She'll always ask me if she looks good in that (yes!). She never compliments me. She never tells me she's proud of me, or that she's glad she's with me living our life, etc. She may say or do things that she thinks are up-lifting me, however, it seems like it's just when she sees fit, or that it's half-assed. Not with any feeling. Not with any sincerity. Meanwhile, if I try to tell her that I was sorry (sincerely), I only get trouble when she brings it up years afterwards. She's actually mentioned things that are long dead and buried, however, she'll do that just so she has a leg up ... somehow.

My best guess is that you always thought she was angry at you because you are insecure or are making assumptions. As far as never being "proud of you" or "happy to live with you", I think you are wrong. If someone wasn't happy to be with you then why would they move a far distance to be with you and ask you for a committment? Some people have different ways of expressing things and you are only looking for words.

Do I have issues surrounding my parents? Sure. Do I have issues trying to trust her in certain ways? Sure. Does she really need to act spiteful (as she is prone to do when things don't go her way) - maybe not.

She even pushes my magical button by calling me "critical" when I have an opinion (sometimes she asks, sometimes I offer). Why can't she positively work out what's bothering her instead and just tell me instead of trying to win the argument? That makes me become silent, stew in my own anger and generally not be nice for anyone to interact with me for awhile. I don't harbour grudges or even anger for very long, though. I'll often do my best to just forget the argument. She fights with me often for "one-upmanship".

Why would someone call you critical for no reason? You say she is doing it to push your "magic button" yet maybe she is being genuine in her feelings. Are you a critical person? Do you put her down for bad reasons? Maybe she felt like she was being put down all the time and didn't like it. Maybe calling you critical was her way of saying "it really hurts me when you put me down" or "I don't like it when you say negative things all the time about my decisions." She is probably sincerley trying to communicate with you and you cannot see it.

In early August of this year, I went to Europe with my father to visit family. I wanted to bring her, but I couldn't afford it and neither could she. I thought it would be a nice pre-honeymoon trip we could take. While I was away for 2 weeks, she needed to borrow money (because she didn't save any) in order to buy the things she needed. Contacting me was difficult if not impossible, and when I did chat with her in the middle of the vacation, she did not mention the need for money. when I returned I found out, and was pretty upset. She now owed someone close to her a sizable amount of money. On top of her school loan and car loan (I don't have any similar sizable debts EXCEPT a credit card balance).

Two days after I returned, my employer let me go due to hard times at the company. I was unemployed for a month but was able to pay the rent. She didn't pay her share of the rent for August (I think we agreed that because she moved so late, or that she was denied employment insurance for a brief period she didn't have to pay - I honestly can't remember). September was hard for us and I believe she paid her share of the rent. I managed to get a job in early October that is primarily based out of our apartment, while she works during the day. She hasn't paid for December - she asked that I forgive that because she still needed to pay her friend from August's empty bank account during my European vacation.

I assume that because she didn't pay her rent and actually did pay her friend back, which is good. You seem to say this as though it is a problem for you. If a couple is living together, should they not work as a team and help each other out? It's not like she didn't pay because she wanted to go on a shopping spree, she was genuinely in a rough situation. If you don't hold grudges (as you said previously) then why did you not discuss the situation with her further rather than telling us about it?

My computer died. I poured some money into it and unfortunately didn't work any better afterwards. I bought a brand new computer in early November, about $2000. I had been mentioning buying this computer for 3 years here and there, but never went through with it. I mentioned to her that starting right after this, I would be saving for a ring. The thought was I would be proposing in February or early March, and in that time find a compromise or talk about the major issues that were bothering me.

When a girl is lead to believe that a relationship is not moving to the next stage for financial reasons, and you make a purchase like that, it does sting a bit. To her, that computer was her ring. Why did you not propose and then save for the computer? I can almost guarantee that by you buying that computer, she thought that it wasn't going to happen in the near future. Did you ever tell her of your plans in February? Also you say that you were going to compromise on the major issues that were bothering you before you proposed. If there is that much compromise in a relationship then why did you want to get married? Relationships should involve compromise, no doubt, but they should never be compromising.

If we reached a compromise, I would be happy as a clam and gladly propose. If not, I would simply have money saved. It's not about the money being saved, it's about the money we have for the future, or our plans for the future.

She broke up with me the Thursday before Christmas. She said she waited until then to make sure we both had time apart. I don't know when her feelings started to change, so I couldn't tell you exactly how long she had been waiting. I'm heartbroken. I feel as though the floor should just swallow me up. She said that I was irresponsible with my money. I think that seeing me buy the computer , or perhaps having a little bit of money to myself was the last straw. She explained to me that she wanted to be on her own and that she wasn't sure why. Like a typical guy, I got a little logical and asked her what about the apartment? What do we do? The first thing she said, not a word of a lie was: "Whoa, don't get so hostile... I thought you'd move out."



My name is the only name on the lease. She didn't ask me about the apartment, and she wasn't taking the high road. She simply thought that because it would put her in a bad financial situation that I should be the one to move out. After all, I can work from anywhere, she said (especially my home town a few hours drive away!). Neither of us have the money right now to pay for first and last month's rent.

Maybe in her mind, she thought this seemed reasonable. After all, even though it was your name on the lease, you both contributed to that apartment, financially and in other ways. If you two broke up, why did you immediately think that you would get the apartment? You obviously did because you thought she was being hostile in suggesting you move. Maybe the apartment being close to her work was a huge factor, or maybe it was something else. You don't really know. Maybe she felt insecure about moving somewhere new when that apartment was the only familiar thing she had in the city.

After 2 uncomfortable days under the same roof trying to pry answers from her (like a typical guy), we went home separately for Christmas. Of course, I don't have closure from those 2 days. She wrote me a half-assed Dear John letter /on Christmas Day/, trying to tell me that we just weren't meant to be married and that we were better as friends. And of course, after 8.5 years, I'm a wreck. My family is becoming sick of me trying to help. Of course they wouldn't abandon me, but you get the picture if you've been there.

Am I "comfortable" and not really looking for anything better? A little. I am comfortable in the fact that I have (had?) a great girl who seems to understand me. Am I afraid that I am in a big city with very little to say about a social circle? Yes.

Why would you stay in a relationship if you honestly feel this way? Life is too short to waste time with someone who isn't your true love. Maybe she did you a favour in breaking up with you because you did feel this way. You probably don't see it now, but you will in the future. It's not to say that she is a bad person and not capable of being loved, but maybe you just didn't love her or feel loved the way you wanted to be. It is possible that she even saw this in your relationship and this was a huge reason for her to end it. She is obviously more observant than you might think.

The girl and I spoke a couple of nights ago. I tried to bargain with her asking her to please talk etc, but she wasn't having any of it. She said she made a decision and there was NO discussion about it. To be honest, if I held her back somehow, she would later resent both of us for doing so. I don't want to hang on to her in that way - however, I wish she would sit down with me and try to work it out for something more positive in our relationship instead of cutting and running.

She probably doesn't feel comfortable doing this right now. Usually just after a break up there is a lot of resentment and bitterness and people can't reason clearly.

Earlier that day, I made myself a plan: a list that would better myself, our environment, and that I would keep at it. If it was a larger apartment, the needed furniture, the need for me to clean up (during the day while I'm working), go to cooking, dance, social clubs (for the both of us)... whatever we both needed... I told her of it, and it still didn't change her mind. She's already made up her mind, disconnected herself from the situation I think, and there is no turning back.

Are the things that you are improving the reasons why she left the relationship? Sure, you do need to be responsible and it is good to make those improvements, but I think there is a bigger reason why she left this relationship.

While she hasn't discounted us contacting one another, she hasn't promised *anything*. I mean, *anything*. Her thought is that as long as it's strictly non-committal in all respects, she and I could be friends (or more if it happens) in the future. If she stays, she wouldn't be doing the relationship it's due justice. And I want her to go, but if it isn't obvious already, I want to work it out with her staying put.

She just wants her space, she said, right now. You know, in the end, I do want to marry her.

To the TFP: I need your advice, I need your help. Is there anything I could do for myself, for the relationship? Is there anything worth saving? Can it be saved? Are there ways I can go about this? Is there anything else that you want to know to make things more clear? As I stated before, this does seem to be one sided. I am eager to try to tell both sides as best I can (and as neutral as I can)... so if you want to know something, just ask.

I believe that she checked out of this relationship well before it ended. After all someone once told me that when a woman makes a decision, it is because it is well thought out and there is no turning back.

I know you're not my therapist, but I am looking for help!