thespian86

Jinnkai - My on the fly grammatical errors aren't my problem here, so let's not make it one. Your point about separating the two is, at this point in our lives, impossible. We are still quite young; we're also aware of this and that young love doesn't always last so we aren't making life changing decisions that involve both of us (although, I know if one change is made with one partner, it will obviously affect the other; we believe it just doesn't have to "involve") but we are constantly making large compromises to help each other, because, well, we love each other (for example: if she had to move to Ottawa to go to school and I was beginning what I thought could be my future career, we would both agree it is unfair for us to ask each other to move and give up our dreams, and work out a way to make our relationship work on our terms). However, this separation you speak of would mean a major change, not only in her relationship with her mother, but most likely making a large relocation.

Also, the comparison of a mother to a close friend isn't very valid. Her mother gave birth to her, raised her, and developed all the good qualities she has as well. It is just her controlling and often child like behavior that has my FIANCEE often catering to her needs, and forgetting her own. Sadly, at this point in her life, she needs to make big decisions and changes and they often get lost in a need to please and support her mother. Also, they love each other, in only a way family can. She is not always a horrible person, her actions are just out of order at what seems the most inappropriate times. I am not justifying her actions but rather being realistic. Asking my fiancee to leave a family that she is so very close to (remember this would mean cutting ties to her very close younger brother and very close father) behind is not realistic.

In fact, there are two outcomes that I see: one, it would become a silent but deadly wedge between us, or two, she would be horribly unhappy. Her severing ties is not a long term solution, but rather her doing exactly what her mother does which is run away when things are difficult, or turning hr back on a situation that could help her grow, as well as her mother. I'm not going to support her running either, just like I wouldn't support her running from a sticky situation in school, or work, or what have you. This situation is not life threatening (although you felt the need to imply it might be) but it is destructive. It can be stopped though.

Also, I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety and I come from a wonderful family. I just have a messed up head, so to speak.

Namako; I agree that a maybe toning down their contact and what is shared between to two would help gain perspective, for both of them, but a complete separation is out of the question, right now. You sound a lot like my father, incredibly supportive and not afraid to poke fun in a non-harmful kind of way. My mother is also distantly supportive because she respects me as a person, although sometimes I don't know why after the teen years hahaha. I do think, that it is a lack of respect between The mother and my fiancee; not only one way, but both ways. If my fiancee had more respect for her mother she wouldn't stoop to her, at times, pathetic levels. She does stoop. Her mother is an adult. So is she. Neither of them treat each other accordingly, which is what I think is the root of the problem.

Cynth: Wise as always. You hit the nail right on the head. What I am worried about is not only her future, but our future. I can't stand by, I'm not that person, but also if it's not fixed what do I do. There is only so much one man or woman can do, am I right? I'm not there yet, not even close, which makes me happy to realize how committed I am. I have, however, told my fiancee that the moment it becomes destructive in my life outside of simple skirmishes, I am out. I don't want to give her an ultimatum because I don't hate her mom, and I'm not a film or a fourteen year old.

In the end both of us want the best for each other and she realizes that what happened two weeks ago is unacceptable and is treating it accordingly. She refuses to be a messenger except to say "Chris says as soon as you are ready to have an adult discussion without the dramatic speeches and flailing, then he is at the house and willing to do so." She said it, not me, but that is exactly how I feel. She knows how I feel about their relationship and she isn't ignoring it. This isn't, at the moment, an "us" problem, it is a problem with The Mother and my fiancee, and a separate one with the mother and I.

Longest post by me I think. Thanks for listening, it means a lot to have you consider and answer. But I'm looking for long term solutions that I haven't come up with I guess. Although I realize this is one of those "do the obvious" things that I always roll my eyes at, but I'm on the other end of it and it's not obvious.

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