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Originally Posted by Ustwo
Throw your sense of right and wrong about it out the window.
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I have been convinced from the beginning, that in this particular matter, the value of what's important to me is minuscule and/or nonexistent compared to the value of what is important to her.
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Originally Posted by abaya
I don't think there's any harm in NOT doing it (I think it's actually better to at least ask BOTH the parents, not just the dad... because that is by definition patriarchal), obviously... but there tend to be benefits all around, when you do ask.
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I honestly had not thought of asking both her parents, because her father is my main concern. This has nothing to do with head of household or ownership principles, but everything to do with their extremely close relationship. The relationship she has with her mother hardly compares. But since you mention it, I think including both her parents is a much better idea.
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Originally Posted by crack
What if he says no? I wouldn't take the risk. Elope I say, elope!
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If he does say no, I would very much like to know why. so his concerns can addressed. As I said before, it would not necessarily prevent me from proposing, it may alter the time-line I have in mind if he has a concern that I have not thought of which, though I believe is unlikely, is a definite possibility. Also, if he does disapprove, and we elope that could have terrible consequences for their relationship, something I'm attempting to avoid.
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Originally Posted by willravel
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Originally Posted by Charlatan
I wouldn't have dreamed of asking her parents permission. I can't think of a better way to infantilize my future wife.
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This is a perfect way of articulating my feelings. |
I can assure both of you this is the last thing that I would want to do. My motivation here lies only in making the joining of our families as joyous as I possibly can for all those involved, not for it's own sake, but in the interest of making it as joyous as possible for her. If her parents have concerns that I can address, then I presume this would remove a lot of undue stress on her (and our) relationship with them. This has nothing to do with infantilizing, commodifying her in any way (or romancing her just for romance's sake for that matter).
I realize what is right for us is far more important than what is right for them, but that doesn't mean what is right for them (or my parents for that matter) is not important. If they have concerns that I cannot (or am not willing to) resolve, I'm still going to ask her. These stresses would have arisen without prior discussion with them anyway. Nothing short of her (or my) will is going to prevent this from happening in the absolute sense, but in the relative where/when sense their opinion may carry enough weight for me to shuffle things around a bit, if in the end I feel it will make things better for her.
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Originally Posted by Sharon
Maybe I'm old-fashioned that way - I still think the father should be the leader of the family and if he is still the leader of her family then it makes sense to ask!
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I think the whole idea here is a bit old-fashioned, which is one of the reasons I brought this question to the TFP - to get differing, well thought out, opinions. I couldn't expect that from any of my friends or family around here. I likely would have been publicly labeled a bum for even considering not asking for explicit permission. As an example, it's not uncommon around here to find a group of elderly women discussing how it's absolutely despicable that women today want to work outside the home, and how we'd be better off as a society if they didn't. This place is awfully backward sometimes, so much so that I'm afraid of the things I don't even realize.