Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - "Move on!"

robot_parade · 01-18-2008, 08:41 PM

So, I've noticed something in my years at TFP, and I wonder if anyone else has thoughts on the matter.

I think that, when people post regarding a situation with their significant other, where things are going badly, that a certain segment, perhaps even a majority, of TFPers tend to say 'move on!'. In other words, when things are going badly in a relationship, the consensus is to quit that relationship, and find another.

Now, the people in favor of this strategy have a lot going for them - lots of the situations described here are *fucked up shit*. "She cheated on me with her ex-father-in-law midget uncle", or some crazy thing like that. Jerry Springer style stuff. On the other hand, *all* relationships require work. Lots of work. The storybook Disney stuff just doesn't happen.

So, the purpose of this thread is to start a discussion about the attitude of TFPers with regards to the question of putting the work into a relationship versus moving on from a bad situation.

I don't mean to say that I think that this vocal segment is wrong. A lot of the situations I see sound like lost causes. I just think a moment of self-reflection is in order. Are we, as a community, telling people to give up too soon?

Since I think all good threads on TFP seem to require Sharing, here's my situation, from a few years back:

My wife was having an online Relationship with a sort-of-ex of hers. A guy she'd been chatting with online since before I knew her, and slept with once. I found out about it (she left chat windows open on our shared computer). I confronted her, and she apologized and backed down from the relationship she had with him. I forgave her. Then, a year or so later, it happened *again*. I could tell it was going on, just from little hints. I waited awhile, then confronted her. I forgave her, again, and we kept on. We're still married now, 5 years later. It isn't perfect, but it's pretty good.

Addendum: The above isn't to say she was the only one at fault in those situations - I was far, far from the perfect husband at the time.

I think, with hindsight, I was right to forgive her and try again, both times. But, on the other hand, this guy obviously has something she wants. Maybe it will happen again. I'm willing to risk that possibility to keep the marriage together.

On the other, other hand, a dating relationship is different from a marriage. Dating is all about figuring out what works for you, and if you are compatible with the other person.

01-18-2008, 08:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
robot_parade Junkie Location: San Antonio, TX	"Move on!" - plus a confession So, I've noticed something in my years at TFP, and I wonder if anyone else has thoughts on the matter. I think that, when people post regarding a situation with their significant other, where things are going badly, that a certain segment, perhaps even a majority, of TFPers tend to say 'move on!'. In other words, when things are going badly in a relationship, the consensus is to quit that relationship, and find another. Now, the people in favor of this strategy have a lot going for them - lots of the situations described here are fucked up shit. "She cheated on me with her ex-father-in-law midget uncle", or some crazy thing like that. Jerry Springer style stuff. On the other hand, all relationships require work. Lots of work. The storybook Disney stuff just doesn't happen. So, the purpose of this thread is to start a discussion about the attitude of TFPers with regards to the question of putting the work into a relationship versus moving on from a bad situation. I don't mean to say that I think that this vocal segment is wrong. A lot of the situations I see sound like lost causes. I just think a moment of self-reflection is in order. Are we, as a community, telling people to give up too soon? Since I think all good threads on TFP seem to require Sharing, here's my situation, from a few years back: My wife was having an online Relationship with a sort-of-ex of hers. A guy she'd been chatting with online since before I knew her, and slept with once. I found out about it (she left chat windows open on our shared computer). I confronted her, and she apologized and backed down from the relationship she had with him. I forgave her. Then, a year or so later, it happened again. I could tell it was going on, just from little hints. I waited awhile, then confronted her. I forgave her, again, and we kept on. We're still married now, 5 years later. It isn't perfect, but it's pretty good. Addendum: The above isn't to say she was the only one at fault in those situations - I was far, far from the perfect husband at the time. I think, with hindsight, I was right to forgive her and try again, both times. But, on the other hand, this guy obviously has something she wants. Maybe it will happen again. I'm willing to risk that possibility to keep the marriage together. On the other, other hand, a dating relationship is different from a marriage. Dating is all about figuring out what works for you, and if you are compatible with the other person.