Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Marriage and calling it quits after 16 years??

genuinegirly · 01-10-2008, 08:56 AM

Cyn has a very good point.

I'd also like for you to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

Your situation struck a chord with me.

1 - You're thinking about leaving her when you're about to go to night MBA school? Do you not realize the instability this might bring to your children's lives? Mom and Dad divorce. Dad fighting for custody. In the meantime, stuck with Mom, doing all the chores Dad used to help out with. Don't see Dad except for the rare vacation day, partly because of custody issues, but mainly because he's either at school or work all the time. My father went to night MBA school while working full-time. He disappeared out of my life for a few years. Do you really want to confuse your children (especially that 5-year-old) by telling them you love them enough to find them a better mommy, then being unable to spend much time with them for 2 or more years?

2 - What kind of individual allows the person they love to be in agony over something as minor as household chores? She is not being fair to you. Are you certain you're expressing your doubts about your marriage and other feelings to her adequately? Yes, she has put you in a bad position. Her behavior is reprehensible. But you need to stick with her until you have that MBA. Once that degree is in your hand, and you have 2 years of documented negligence against your wife, then find that lawyer.

2 stories to share, from family/friends:

M and R love each other. They get married. They know what they're getting into: M knows that R doesn't have the same knack for cleaning and cooking that other girls do. M accepts this. R is a creative, brilliant artist and would like to spend all of her time painting. Fortunately she realizes the need to provide for her family while her husband is a full-time student. M watches the kids while doing homework, he likes to clean so he does the chores. The same with cooking. M knows that he chose this life when he married R. He's ok with it. R works full-time at a job she hates, then comes home in the evening and completes online courses for her MA degree. M watches the kids, does all the cleaning and cooking, and occasionaly asks for help from R's mother. He's happy that R is working full-time, but hopes she'll be able to get a job she enjoys once she has that MA.

Q and B get married after knowing one another for 6 months. Q and B think they love each other very much, but it's probably just infatuation. B never was allowed to help with chores when she was growing up. She didn't know how to make dinner or clean. Q taught her how to cook his favorite recipes, and how to clean. B was happy to learn. B had a high-paying full-time job in fashion and loved it. Q had a decent job as a mechanic and loved it. B did most of the housework, even though her job was more demanding. Q came home from work in the evening and yelled at B because B didn't clean things as nicely as Q wanted. B cried, told him she tried, and was determined to do better the next day. She didn't like disappointing her new husband. Q and B decided to move someplace new, out of the hustle of downtown. They moved to the country and bought a large home with a large yard. Q liked to garden. Q demanded they get a house where there's a big garden so he can play in it during the weekends. Once they moved in, Q asked B to maintain the garden. B reminded Q that she didn't know how to take care of a garden. Q handed her some books and asked her to have fun. B, overwhelmed with her added responsibilities from the larger home and yard, had a miscarriage. She decided to quit work because it was too stressful with all of the stress at home. Q didn't want his wife supporting him anyway, so welcomed this change. B stayed home. She spent all day cooking and cleaning. She wanted to please Q. Q came home from work every day and found something to criticize her on when it came to her cleaning.

35 years later, their 25 year old daughter comes home from college and looks around their house. It's not just clean. It's hygenic to the extreme. She asks B if Q still comes home every night and criticizes. B breaks down into tears. Yes, he does.

Are you certain that your standards are not set too high?

01-10-2008, 08:56 AM	#11 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Cyn has a very good point. I'd also like for you to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Your situation struck a chord with me. 1 - You're thinking about leaving her when you're about to go to night MBA school? Do you not realize the instability this might bring to your children's lives? Mom and Dad divorce. Dad fighting for custody. In the meantime, stuck with Mom, doing all the chores Dad used to help out with. Don't see Dad except for the rare vacation day, partly because of custody issues, but mainly because he's either at school or work all the time. My father went to night MBA school while working full-time. He disappeared out of my life for a few years. Do you really want to confuse your children (especially that 5-year-old) by telling them you love them enough to find them a better mommy, then being unable to spend much time with them for 2 or more years? 2 - What kind of individual allows the person they love to be in agony over something as minor as household chores? She is not being fair to you. Are you certain you're expressing your doubts about your marriage and other feelings to her adequately? Yes, she has put you in a bad position. Her behavior is reprehensible. But you need to stick with her until you have that MBA. Once that degree is in your hand, and you have 2 years of documented negligence against your wife, then find that lawyer. 2 stories to share, from family/friends: M and R love each other. They get married. They know what they're getting into: M knows that R doesn't have the same knack for cleaning and cooking that other girls do. M accepts this. R is a creative, brilliant artist and would like to spend all of her time painting. Fortunately she realizes the need to provide for her family while her husband is a full-time student. M watches the kids while doing homework, he likes to clean so he does the chores. The same with cooking. M knows that he chose this life when he married R. He's ok with it. R works full-time at a job she hates, then comes home in the evening and completes online courses for her MA degree. M watches the kids, does all the cleaning and cooking, and occasionaly asks for help from R's mother. He's happy that R is working full-time, but hopes she'll be able to get a job she enjoys once she has that MA. Q and B get married after knowing one another for 6 months. Q and B think they love each other very much, but it's probably just infatuation. B never was allowed to help with chores when she was growing up. She didn't know how to make dinner or clean. Q taught her how to cook his favorite recipes, and how to clean. B was happy to learn. B had a high-paying full-time job in fashion and loved it. Q had a decent job as a mechanic and loved it. B did most of the housework, even though her job was more demanding. Q came home from work in the evening and yelled at B because B didn't clean things as nicely as Q wanted. B cried, told him she tried, and was determined to do better the next day. She didn't like disappointing her new husband. Q and B decided to move someplace new, out of the hustle of downtown. They moved to the country and bought a large home with a large yard. Q liked to garden. Q demanded they get a house where there's a big garden so he can play in it during the weekends. Once they moved in, Q asked B to maintain the garden. B reminded Q that she didn't know how to take care of a garden. Q handed her some books and asked her to have fun. B, overwhelmed with her added responsibilities from the larger home and yard, had a miscarriage. She decided to quit work because it was too stressful with all of the stress at home. Q didn't want his wife supporting him anyway, so welcomed this change. B stayed home. She spent all day cooking and cleaning. She wanted to please Q. Q came home from work every day and found something to criticize her on when it came to her cleaning. 35 years later, their 25 year old daughter comes home from college and looks around their house. It's not just clean. It's hygenic to the extreme. She asks B if Q still comes home every night and criticizes. B breaks down into tears. Yes, he does. Are you certain that your standards are not set too high? __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy Last edited by genuinegirly; 01-10-2008 at 09:01 AM..