Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Social skills - feigning indifference / masking dislike [of someone]

Echan · 11-20-2007, 07:12 AM

Have you all seen the Jim Carrey movie, Liar Liar?

I find the comments about avoiding passive-aggressive behavior interesting. I've been known to be a upfront person. If I have a problem with someone, they are never surprised if I just flat up tell them they piss me off, and we need to resolve it.

Even then, there are many times I show passive-aggressive behavior just to get on in life. While it would be great if I could just work out these issues with everyone, I feel it would likely disrupt things more than a balance of working things out and giving them a cold shoulder when they aren't even worth your time.

At what point would it be reasonable to show that behavior?

For example, you go to Star Bucks and pick up something for a coworker because you are feeling nice. They don't thank you, and happily take the beverage without even offering to pay.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything (I wasn't expecting to get paid back for it). The lack of any reciprocation in the form of having my drink covered, or a thank you will definitely put a mental note in the back of my mind to not go out of my way to do ANYTHING nice for them in the future.

I could see the reasoning for why that would be unhealthy to damage a relationship like that. I just can't imagine that explaining to them how they offended wouldn't just make things more uncomfortable.

Sure, if they don't say anything, I could easily just add a comment along the lines of.. just pick up the tab next time we go. Or when it comes to the bill at a restaurant, ask if they can throw in a 5 so I don't have to ask for change to cover their coffee last week; It still doesn't change that I've already added their lack of verbal appreciation into my interpretation of what kind of person they are.

I remember when I was a kid, I had something stolen from me and I asked for advice. The advice I gotten was to steal it back and that was only in the 90s. I'm sure there was far tougher love in the previous decades. The thing was, it worked out well. There were no real social ramifications that could be felt at my age, but a few years later when a similar scenario happened again and I said fuck that, I wasn't satisfied enough with actions from last time? I got my property back, but the shit storm that I had to wade through to resolve everything was not worth it.

I guess my moral compass never points true north. If I were in the OPs shoes. I would have called the guy out for the girlfriend comment, but I see the effort required to settle things with the other coworkers to be greater than the amount of relief and satisfaction I would gain from working things out. While I think suggestions about therapy are great. I believe that some amount of misdirection or deception (getting your money back for a coffee) are fine when dealing with people.

I see things in a similar way to your thoughts in your original post. If I hate someone, I don't feel like I should also burn the bridge or allow an opportunity for them to help me sometime down the road disappear. Why reveal a weakness that his antics trouble me for an inconsiderate coworker I may never see again in 6 months. I certainly wouldn't bother.

11-20-2007, 07:12 AM	#19 (permalink)
Echan Upright	Have you all seen the Jim Carrey movie, Liar Liar? I find the comments about avoiding passive-aggressive behavior interesting. I've been known to be a upfront person. If I have a problem with someone, they are never surprised if I just flat up tell them they piss me off, and we need to resolve it. Even then, there are many times I show passive-aggressive behavior just to get on in life. While it would be great if I could just work out these issues with everyone, I feel it would likely disrupt things more than a balance of working things out and giving them a cold shoulder when they aren't even worth your time. At what point would it be reasonable to show that behavior? For example, you go to Star Bucks and pick up something for a coworker because you are feeling nice. They don't thank you, and happily take the beverage without even offering to pay. Personally, I wouldn't say anything (I wasn't expecting to get paid back for it). The lack of any reciprocation in the form of having my drink covered, or a thank you will definitely put a mental note in the back of my mind to not go out of my way to do ANYTHING nice for them in the future. I could see the reasoning for why that would be unhealthy to damage a relationship like that. I just can't imagine that explaining to them how they offended wouldn't just make things more uncomfortable. Sure, if they don't say anything, I could easily just add a comment along the lines of.. just pick up the tab next time we go. Or when it comes to the bill at a restaurant, ask if they can throw in a 5 so I don't have to ask for change to cover their coffee last week; It still doesn't change that I've already added their lack of verbal appreciation into my interpretation of what kind of person they are. I remember when I was a kid, I had something stolen from me and I asked for advice. The advice I gotten was to steal it back and that was only in the 90s. I'm sure there was far tougher love in the previous decades. The thing was, it worked out well. There were no real social ramifications that could be felt at my age, but a few years later when a similar scenario happened again and I said fuck that, I wasn't satisfied enough with actions from last time? I got my property back, but the shit storm that I had to wade through to resolve everything was not worth it. I guess my moral compass never points true north. If I were in the OPs shoes. I would have called the guy out for the girlfriend comment, but I see the effort required to settle things with the other coworkers to be greater than the amount of relief and satisfaction I would gain from working things out. While I think suggestions about therapy are great. I believe that some amount of misdirection or deception (getting your money back for a coffee) are fine when dealing with people. I see things in a similar way to your thoughts in your original post. If I hate someone, I don't feel like I should also burn the bridge or allow an opportunity for them to help me sometime down the road disappear. Why reveal a weakness that his antics trouble me for an inconsiderate coworker I may never see again in 6 months. I certainly wouldn't bother.