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Tilted Cat Head
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by match000
I guess as you guys have pointed out, I am being too passive-agressive. I think the original point of my post was that I want to learn how to *stop* being a passive-aggressive person (a pushover / stonewaller). There seems to be 2 options:
1) assert myself. (as most people have recommended)
2) feign liking and mask dislike (as JinnKai pointed out)
For option 1), my problem with being assertive or being passive-aggressive is that I am extreme on both ends: when I try to assert myself, my facial tones come off too strongly and I am way too confrontational; there is no way of being "nicely but strongly" assertive. I think this is something I need to work on..?
But what I am thinking is most beneficial in *most situations in life* is option 2). As JinnKai said, if you can truly *not let it get to yourself*, and also have a complete "nice mask", you can start manipulating people into your social pawns. Its not nice to be manipulative, but if they are going to be treating you like shit, why not?
This is pretty hard to do; if you are nice, they might still be asses.. it takes skill and patience I guess. So.. how do you go about doing this?? What's the best way to practice?
Abaya, your suggestion about going to a counselor to practice being assertive was good. However.. that's a little too "shrinkish" for me; I don't think there's anything wrong wiht myself to that degree..!
Also, I think that going to "HR" or the "management" (i use quotes since I'm actually in grad school), will probabl backfire. I think that what would happen if you go to management with issues like this is: 1) they think your a wuss who needs to "tattle-tale" 2) they think you can't deal with other people yourself 3) they think your a crybaby
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I'd go so far and encompass Jinn's statement as also being assertive. Because one cannot just feing like in the face of someone constantly shitting on them. It is near impossible, not to mention, how else do you feign the like? how do you get them to do things you want them to do? you have to assert your desires and thoughts towards them.
As far as the practice is concerned, you can go to assertive training courses, or you can see a therapist, if you don't like that word, use counselor. Counselors are there to help you navigate through situations. They will help walk you through that practice and you are doing it with someone who isn't a friend and can be objective and outside of your circle of friends and family.
Re: the tattle tale, that may be the case when something is "petty" but when it actually is getting in the way of your duty and job, it is no longer petty but getting in the way of you accomplishing the task at hand. So complaining that your boss is not speaking nice to you is petty, your coworkers creating a hostile environment is not. It also depends on how you assert yourself to them. If you are complaining and whiney about it, yes, it will come off that way. But if you are asserting yourself, for example asking, why you aren't fitting in with the rest of the team so well when tasks are assigned they do not include you in discussions. That is important.
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