former newt

i'm reaching a breaking point. there are so many things wrong right now.

i dunno if this is just my frustration talking. it might be. i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year and 3 months. the first month or two were pretty good.

then came the mcat. let me give some background (bear with me please, its all relevant)

we are both in an accelerated med program. basically if you are accepted, you do your undergraduate in 2 or 3 years at one of three partner universities and go straight to med school. as long as you meet the requirements set by the med school, you are guaranteed admission. for anyone who's ever heard of a BS/MD, integrated medical program, or BA/MD, that's what im talking about.

i should clarify about the undergrad being completed in 2 or 3 years. some people choose to go balls out and finish undergrad in 2 years. it's a load of work but saves money and a year. some choose to do it in 3, to enjoy themselves a little more, study abroad, or take a lighter load for the duration of undergrad. then there are people who want to finish in 2 years, but don't meet the requirements, and are forced to take a 3rd year to bring their gpa or mcat score up. there are also those who don't meet the requirements after finishing their 3rd year, and are then dismissed from the program.

when i met my girlfriend (before we took the mcat after our first year of undergrad) i fell in love with her pretty quickly. she was confident, fun, and damn good looking (a catch in a program that is chock full of weird looking people and social cripples)

she studied her ass off for the mcat. i didn't. i studied about 3 days total, took 2 and a half practice tests in those 3 days. i passed the mcat score requirement easily, after 1 year of college and 3 days of actual mcat prep.

she didn't.

more than a year later, ive graduated from my university, and am a first year med student. she is still at her university, taking a 3rd year of undergrad, and still hasn't met the mcat requirement. she wanted nothing more than to be in med school this year.

she hates herself, hates her life, has zero confidence, cries all the time, and has isolated herself from her friends (she studies and sleeps. that's it) she's also letting herself go physically (she doesn't eat well at all. barely a full meal a day. no exercise. she weighs maybe 110 pounds but somehow isn't thin...) this has gone on since about november last year

since this mcat thing started, our relationship has been a constant roller coaster of fighting and making up. she is almost bipolar with mood swings. any other guy would have walked away from this months and months ago. i am still around because i love her, and am maintaining hope that she finally passes the damn test and can be happy again. but if she doesn't pass this test, and is dismissed from the program, i know she will never, ever be happy. i can't do this forever.

she needs me. i know that. she loves me with everything she has. despite the fact that she has picked ridiculous fights with me every single day for about a year now, she shows me how much she does love me by doing all the little things she does. she worries about me during test weeks, she always checks in on me when im driving to see if im awake, she remembers every commitment i have and reminds me, etc etc etc.

the problem is she needs me too much. she can't sleep without me there. she doesn't like sleeping at my place because she has a beef with my roommate (who used to date her roommate but dumped her in a horrible way.) so i sleep at her place every single damn day. she needs to sleep early, so i don't hang out with my friends when she needs to sleep. she never notices the things i do for her, and always holds a grudge with me when i don't do the smallest thing.

im in med school, all i do is study during the day. i need time for myself, time to be with my friends. i can't be her support system forever. she tells me how i choose my friends over her all time. she threatens to break up with me and a few times has, but literally 10 seconds later will completely flip around and tell me how sorry she is about the way she acts and how she wants to be with me forever and stuff.

i am no longer in love with her. but i love her. i really, really do. and i think im trying to fool myself into thinking that eventually she will pass and everything will be ok again. i am not attracted to her at all anymore. she is so damn pretty, but i am so alienated that i can't be aroused by her at all. i tell her to work out like i do to let go of some stress, improve her body and mood. i tell her to eat well but healthy. she doesn't listen. i haven't been able to kiss her with real feeling for a little while now.

she is convinced we will get married. if she doesn't change, i don't know what to do. i can't stand the idea of hurting her when she's already been through so much. and if i leave her, i don't know what she'd do.





i don't have any clue where to go from here. she is not your average girl right now. she is more fragile right now than anyone i know....

i don't expect anyone to be able to give me solid advice here. im afraid that her depression and my inability to leave her will leave me a bitter, hateful person. but if i leave her, i will destroy someone i truly do love. i just needed to get this out. thanks for reading.


edit: i posted this in member's playground...figured that might be more appropriate? who knows, which if this doesn't belong here, delete it.