former newt

i'm reaching a breaking point. there are so many things wrong right now.

i dunno if this is just my frustration talking. it might be. i have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year and 3 months. the first month or two were pretty good.

then came the mcat. let me give some background (bear with me please, its all relevant)

we are both in an accelerated med program. basically if you are accepted, you do your undergraduate in 2 or 3 years at one of three partner universities and go straight to med school. as long as you meet the requirements set by the med school, you are guaranteed admission. for anyone who's ever heard of a BS/MD, integrated medical program, or BA/MD, that's what im talking about.

i should clarify about the undergrad being completed in 2 or 3 years. some people choose to go balls out and finish undergrad in 2 years. it's a load of work but saves money and a year. some choose to do it in 3, to enjoy themselves a little more, study abroad, or take a lighter load for the duration of undergrad. then there are people who want to finish in 2 years, but don't meet the requirements, and are forced to take a 3rd year to bring their gpa or mcat score up. there are also those who don't meet the requirements after finishing their 3rd year, and are then dismissed from the program.

when i met my girlfriend (before we took the mcat after our first year of undergrad) i fell in love with her pretty quickly. she was confident, fun, and damn good looking (a catch in a program that is chock full of weird looking people and social cripples)

she studied her ass off for the mcat. i didn't. i studied about 3 days total, took 2 and a half practice tests in those 3 days. i passed the mcat score requirement easily, after 1 year of college and 3 days of actual mcat prep.

she didn't.

more than a year later, ive graduated from my university, and am a first year med student. she is still at her university, taking a 3rd year of undergrad, and still hasn't met the mcat requirement. she wanted nothing more than to be in med school this year.

she hates herself, hates her life, has zero confidence, cries all the time, and has isolated herself from her friends (she studies and sleeps. that's it) she's also letting herself go physically (she doesn't eat well at all. barely a full meal a day. no exercise. she weighs maybe 110 pounds but somehow isn't thin...) this has gone on since about november last year

since this mcat thing started, our relationship has been a constant roller coaster of fighting and making up. she is almost bipolar with mood swings. any other guy would have walked away from this months and months ago. i am still around because i love her, and am maintaining hope that she finally passes the damn test and can be happy again. but if she doesn't pass this test, and is dismissed from the program, i know she will never, ever be happy. i can't do this forever.

she needs me. i know that. she loves me with everything she has. despite the fact that she has picked ridiculous fights with me every single day for about a year now, she shows me how much she does love me by doing all the little things she does. she worries about me during test weeks, she always checks in on me when im driving to see if im awake, she remembers every commitment i have and reminds me, etc etc etc.

the problem is she needs me too much. she can't sleep without me there. she doesn't like sleeping at my place because she has a beef with my roommate (who used to date her roommate but dumped her in a horrible way.) so i sleep at her place every single damn day. she needs to sleep early, so i don't hang out with my friends when she needs to sleep. she never notices the things i do for her, and always holds a grudge with me when i don't do the smallest thing.

im in med school, all i do is study during the day. i need time for myself, time to be with my friends. i can't be her support system forever. she tells me how i choose my friends over her all time. she threatens to break up with me and a few times has, but literally 10 seconds later will completely flip around and tell me how sorry she is about the way she acts and how she wants to be with me forever and stuff.

i am no longer in love with her. but i love her. i really, really do. and i think im trying to fool myself into thinking that eventually she will pass and everything will be ok again. i am not attracted to her at all anymore. she is so damn pretty, but i am so alienated that i can't be aroused by her at all. i tell her to work out like i do to let go of some stress, improve her body and mood. i tell her to eat well but healthy. she doesn't listen. i haven't been able to kiss her with real feeling for a little while now.

she is convinced we will get married. if she doesn't change, i don't know what to do. i can't stand the idea of hurting her when she's already been through so much. and if i leave her, i don't know what she'd do.





i don't have any clue where to go from here. she is not your average girl right now. she is more fragile right now than anyone i know....

i don't expect anyone to be able to give me solid advice here. im afraid that her depression and my inability to leave her will leave me a bitter, hateful person. but if i leave her, i will destroy someone i truly do love. i just needed to get this out. thanks for reading.


edit: i posted this in member's playground...figured that might be more appropriate? who knows, which if this doesn't belong here, delete it.

Jinn

There's one word that describes every symptom you've listed:

Depression. And depending on who you ask, clinical depression.

The best I can do is this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinica...t_and_services

Remember that it's not your job to "fix" her, and it's not even your job to help her at all. You say you love her, so I'm sure you want to help her. But remember that it is not your responsibility to do so. Be there for her, but don't sacrifice yourself and your career.

I feel for you.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

waltert

sounds like she's already destroyed herself to some degree. some people just aren't smart enough to be doctors, and you cant screw your life because of it. maybe she should try for dentistry...or business?

I'm in mechanical engineering myself, and I cant even count the number of people that I've met that have had to drop out of the program.

MEAD

You guys needs to have a serious talk about this, one that may or may not lead to the end of the relationship. Just cutting it off would be horrible for her and I think you care too much to leave her in that state at such an inopportune time. Neither of you need the added this added stress.

Also (this is referencing the above post) I wouldn't tell her she isn't smart enough to be a doctor, because that is absolutely ridiculous. Being smart and being a doctor are not intrinsically related. Some people arn't made to be doctors, but to say its because they are smart is very narrow minded and ignorant.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

IT2002

You are in a very tough situation. She is definitely depressed. It sounds like you both might have some co-dependency issues. Don't let let her make you feel guilty for being successful. Also, if you aren't in love with her, don't get married. Be a friend until she pushes you away. Being depressed doesn't mean that people don't have to be responsible for how they treat people.

I feel for ya man.

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It doesn't even feel like whatever time it is.

Menoman

for cryin out loud get her to a counselor ASAP. VERY VERY few med students that I knew didn't go to counseling at some point during the seemingly never-ending courses.

If you love her you'll get her there somehow.

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pig

she's overloaded and she needs therapy and/or a more relaxed schedule. this isn't a story of some kid who has been in college for 8 years trying to get into med school with a C undergrad gpa. this is a chick that is trying to bust through undergrad in 3 years (already at least a year ahead of schedule in most 4 year universities) AND skip straight into med school. this likely has nothing to do with her not being intelligent, or not being fit to be a doctor. my guess is that she's not emotionally prepared for the near-robotic lifestyle that you have to take on in order to go through that sort of program. maybe she's not cut out to be a trauma surgeon operating on the international space station using only a roll of duct tape and nail file, but she's likely more than smart enough to get into med school.

i would sit her down, encourage her to go to therapy, and ask her how she feels about the program. there will be a lot of ego involved, but my guess is the healthiest thing will be if she slows down her schedule for matriculation. some people need to take things more slowly, so that they can be happy with the entirety of their lives. maybe she needs more down-time. more walks in the park. more chances to relax, and read literature and bullshit...

people are different, and go through different things at different times. i don't think it's her career goals that are necessarily wrong; but this program doesn't seem to be working for her. frankly, it wouldn't have worked for me either. that's the creation of automotons, for most people. i mean, not you newt...but other people

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

waltert

well, being smart and being a doctor may not be intrinsically related, but meeting the requirements for med school have alot to do with "smarts" and drive level. From reading this guy's post, it doesn't sound like motivation is her issue, so its probably "smarts" related.

your hinting that everyone's mental capacity for scientific subjects is the same is also narrow minded and ignorant.

as stated above, the girl probably needs to go into a 4 year pre-med program.

former newt

that's not the issue. the issue is that she (or maybe more appropriately, her attitude regarding this program) is ruining her life and mine right now. i can't tell her that she's not smart enough because the thing is, she is. her problem is self confidence when taking the tests. taking official AAMC practice tests and consistently scoring 6 points higher than her real mcat score means something.

she pisses me off so much...

i am at my place right now, and just got off the phone, with her whining that i'm keeping her from sleeping right now by not being there. i have 2 full days slotted for hardcore studying for my exam on friday, with barely enough time to take showers and eat. and im keeping her from sleeping cuz i got back just now from studying at the library and wanna take a shower.

fuck.

Ustwo

Tell her no.

I know what you are going through, been there done that and got the cadaver juice soaked scrubs (god I hated that smell).

You can't let her ruin this for you, and I have to wonder if thats part of her motivation, misery does love company. I'm not saying she really WANTS you to fail, but there is most likely some resentment that you could do so easily which she can not accomplish.

You are going to need to just say no, I sorry I can't be there, see you this weekend. If she can't handle that then you will have more issues than just this if you end up married.

Wait till you do your residency, and then god help you if you specialize in something time consuming.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Im_not_bitter

Like Ustwo say misery may love company and it should be dealt with professionaly rather than with supposition. Don't play hero if you are not one. You can't help her if you can't help yourself. Infact I would think you are stopping her from getting help because you been there filling in her blanks she'll think its all the help she's needs, or worst that she'll place it on you so later on if you are not there she'll have someone to blame etc. Unless you are able to play the roll of her emotional crutches for life by all means. Its hard to walk away from your love ones in these situations but its set out for them to grow so let her grow, you can give her your support( getting help etc.) but you cant help her if she's not willing to help herself.

I'm getting overly dramatic...I suppose spending the last few days with tv series does this to you.

__________________
Just because it's called common sense, doesn't mean it's a common trait

waltert

yeah, my girlfriend got 30 when she took it the first time (which is okay) but wanted to re-take to get a higher score. she studied like crazy (and was making great grades on the official practice tests) but I think the test put so much pressure on her that she panicked and would up with a 27

I call that "studying yourself stupid"

anyway, don't let her ruin it for you. And, if she's interfering with your studies, you have to let her know, and you have to hold your ground.

I wont see my girl for as much as two weeks at a time when things get busy.