Shauk

you know it's true.

Moving to Seattle, getting a good job...

do these things make me happy?

does my location, and my job, a manmade construct, make me happy?

no.. I chase the long term goal of finding a person who will make me happy.

I think happiness if found in the natural interaction within your social circle. You could be poor, but if you had love, you'd be fine.


I don't think anyone's story can compare to mine at this point. I'm relentlessly stupid, I go against good advice, and the catch is, I'm still not done.


I moved here after my ex expressed interest in getting back together. Apparently I made the assumption that a commitment was ever implied, even though it wasn't.

Her reasons.. She missed me, she wanted me around, she was warming up to the idea of us being together again. She was telling people that we were getting back together as soon as I made my decision.

one particular weekend she was talking to me on msn and going off about how horny she was, telling me how I was the best oral sex she's ever had, and wanted me over there right then. I wasn't supposed to be out there for another 2 weeks at this point.

This is about the time i started getting the story from her that she made out with this guy from work that had been hitting on her for 4 months. that was the last I heard about anything.

I moved out here 1 week ago and so far it goes as such.

the 21st, I arrive. tired, sleep.

22nd, I start my job search, I get 3 interviews set up, including one that night. She informs me that she actually did sleep with that guy after she told me she wouldn't, that she wasn't thinking about me, it was selfish of her, and that she may be pregnant. I'm pretty pissed.

23rd, interview goes well for 2 out of 3, I pick one to pursue for higher pay. I get that job set to start on the 25th, I read up on the effects of the plan B she took and i start to believe that her so called pregnancy symptoms are just side effects. I am still "ok" with her sleeping with this guy for some reason at this point because she's got that technical loophole that "we're not in a relationship, I can sleep with whoever I want" and she can and sill.

24th, I bum around, waiting for amanda to get off work, she informs me she's going to go out with her friend, who is a part of some burlesque dancer troupe or whatever, girls night out. Fine, I need a break away from her to think about what I'm going to do.

25th, I start work, we go out to dinner that night and get sushi, she tells me that last night was a bit out of control, that some guy was very forward with her, and her friend she was with pulled her away from the guy and they started to drive off, but the guy chased them down the street and was begging her not to go, jumped in the car and gave her a cramped lapdance and started kissing her. They kicked him out of the car, Then he proceeded to whip it out and told her to suck it in the street near the club. she declined, saying I'm not a whore... cant really blame her for the actions of some other guy, and we're not together, right?

she asks if i'm paying for dinner, I ask if we're dating, she says no, then I tell her to pay for her own shit then.

our bill comes, the guy pretty much ignores amanda and hands me the bill. Amanda says she likes how people act towards me and treat me like I have power. I pay the bill anyways, fucking sucker...


26th, work again, i come home and I get a message on my computer from the guy she left me for a year ago.

Reads as such.

So this brandon guy, I knew about, she's not interested in him. He's interested in her. He made the move on he to kiss her and she felt nothing. She wants him as a friend, but nothing more
Alberto is the guy she works with (and fuck no i'm not changing names to protect identities, let these assholes find me)
Greg, is the ex she told me she stopped talking to, who has a gf, who cheats on said GF with Amanda, and Amanda uses this to blackmail him in to fucking her whenever she feels like it. He gets tired of it and PM's me so he can wash his hands of it.

In my mind, ALL OF THIS SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE I MOVED, IT DOESN"T MATTER RIGHT?


I call her up immediately after I get this and start demanding answers, she admits to sleeping with greg, says he made up the part or misunderstood about the blowjob part and that she already told me what happened.


27th, work again. I'm off, i've been invited to a halloween party by Justin. I get home and then the truth comes out about her sucking a guys cock on wednesday, after i've shown up, after I live with her.

She did it, her story.

"well after we ran that one guy off, we were all piled in the back seat and this guy was back there with us making out with my friend, and he was reaching over and rubbing my leg, and it was kinda turning me on, then he started fingering me and eventually pulled it out and trying to get us to suck it, saying he was going to cum so fast, that he wanted to cum so badly. I was horny, and I did, but the guy was a jerk cuz he just zipped up and got out of the car and left us both sitting there once he got off."

again, she jumps on the fact that we're not together, and that she can do what she wants.

but she lied to me you know? she told me she didn't do this when her ex knew more than I did. he had to tell me.

I'm pretty much just like "fine" and go to my friends halloween party and socialize best I can. But being in seattle feels so hollow and without focus now.

so the 28th
today, I wake up and my hand is on amanda's back, and I just start rubbing it out of habit. She moans. She's enjoying it. I just stop after a while because I'm not sure what the hell i'm doing. I know she's "easy" I know she wants to be with me, but she wants to be with a lot of people right now. I'm too jealous to handle that.

I can't trust her now, she lied to me, of course, 2 wrongs make a right when you need to justify doing something. She got up and went to the living room, came back and told me she got her period so she's not pregnant, went and fell asleep on the couch, I took her cell phone....

the texts told this story.

sunday, I get here
monday, i have an interview, she's gushing at greg that she wants to come over and fuck him, or she's going to tell his gf that he cheated on her 2 weeks ago, he declines on the premise that she's fucking with me and that he's not cool with that(i like this guy and his morals all of a sudden I guess)

wednesday, the texts of her telling him what she did with the guys in the car, and a few casual flirty texts to alberto, and me.

thursday, the texts I sent after calling her about the pm I got, her texts to greg expressing her loss of power in the situation with him and her.

friday, her telling him that she'd choose him if he were an option, but that he wont let her, on top of the texts where she told me that she wasn't talking to him anymore, and a text replying to greg saying "fuck off and stay out of my life" with "whatever we'll just be fucking again in 2 months anyway, see ya later"



so dear TFPer's

have no pity for me, you've given me all the advice you can.

I apparently am so fucking stuck on her just like she's stuck on the guy she left me for that we're just a big fucking trainwreck of misguided emotion.

I confronted her about the texts and she just got angry that i'd violate her trust like that, but again, 2 wrongs make a right when I fucking feel like it.


theres no healthy relationship to be gained from this, we've done nothing but fight about her fucking guys since i've got here, and she just says she doesn't have to explain anything to me because we're not together.

But you know, I feel differently since her whole premise for the offer to begin with was for us to start dating again.

can you even compare? can you even imagine how i feel?