How to talk American
America is a land of colorful people and customs. These customs, while very interesting, will undoubtedly confuse a civilized man due to their backward, often primitive seeming nature.
It is understandable if you find yourself in America for a long period of time, you may wish to fit in with the natives in order to pass the time and learn about this primitive culture. Why you are exiled here does not really matter. Perhaps due to fleeing a monarch whos daughter you made yourself acquainted with, or perhaps you are an advanced anthropology student doing research, you CAN fit in, if you follow a few simple rules.
First I will assume you are male, this I think is a fair guess as no good father would allow their daughters to mingle with the natives.
Now the first rule to follow is dress.
Americans are very basic in dress, their are a few standard uniforms which are acceptable.
Footware: Americans, as a rule, tend to wear very loose fitting, mass produced footware that is hydrocarbon based. They are quite ungainly and repugnant by your standards and mine, but you will not suffer any ill affects from them.
Pants: Americans rarely wear pants. Normally they wear loose fitting half pants, known as shorts (see above) or a laborers type of clothing known as 'jeans'. Either type of garment is suitable for all occasions, and can be seen at graduations, marriages, and funerals.
Shirts: There are only two types of 'acceptable' shirts to an American male. One is known as the T-Shirt. This shirt is a cheaply made cotton garment, that MUST be used as advertisement space for a product, band, or sports team. Allow me to demonstrate..
This is acceptable:
This one is not acceptable and will instantly make you an outcast.
Also acceptable are shirts they call "polo" shirts, which is quite amusing as none of them play polo.
Now that you look like an American you can start to learn how to speak like one.
Their odd sports such as 'football' where they rarely use their foot, and 'baseball' which is a poor imitation of cricket, will make up at least 75% of the average males conversation. It will take you some time, perhaps years, to learn to really understand these games and frankly no man would want to. As such you can easily fit into any sports conversations by just using a few simple phrases.
1. The Yankees suck!
2. As soon as the Cubs win the world series.
3. Wait till next year.
4. I hate that overpaid asshole.
5. I bet he is on steroids.
These are often repeated and can fit almost any sports conversation.
The next 20% of all conversations will revolve around women. Now since having relations with an American woman is just out of the question, you can save yourself the possibility of intercourse with one of these shaven beasts by using the following statements. (Note only use these if directly approached by said females, if you are speaking to a male about women, just say 'Oh I'd like to bang her' and you will fit right in.)
1. At home you would be the largest woman in my village. Do all you American women eat so well?
If that does not thwart her advance then use the advanced mode.
2. I'm gay.
Finally the last 5% of American conversation is around politics. While in most nations, its best to leave politics to the natives, lest you offend the ruling party, but in America you have nothing to fear. Americans don't understand their own politics so odds are no matter what you say, they won't understand that either and half with agree with you out of hand, which will cause the other half to disagree. While such behavior will at first seem amusing, you will soon grow tired of it. If this does happen, just say 'I'm a libertarian' and both sides will think you agree with them, changing the conversation back to sports or women.
I hope this simple guide can be of help to anyone traveling to this strange yet fascinating land.