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nonplussed · 10-11-2007, 06:32 AM

I don't think you have an anger issue. It's almost the opposite -- I think you have an issue in not asserting yourself. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that things your girlfriend does that bug you are legit and not trivial.

It's important to be nice, diplomatic, and flexible but it is even more important to insist on being a 50-50 partner in a relationship. That means that your feelings are equally as important as your girlfriend's. If she is doing something that bugs you, you have every right to tell her how you feel. More importantly, you MUST tell her how you feel or else the tension will build up inside you... as you've already discovered.

You absolutely have to say something while it is just a mild irritant and not World War III. In my experience, it is not necessary or even desirable to say something right while it is happening. But something needs to be said soon enough after that she can still remember it.

I'm sure you are familiar with the old cliche where the girl says "We need to talk" and the guy cringes? Well, turnaround is fair play. That's exactly what you need to do. Say "We need to talk. You know I love you but I have to tell you something before it builds up inside me and hurts our relationship."

Then follow the advice in several of the threads above about how to phrase your complaint. FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR not on the person. And be specific. Don't say "you always do xyz". Say "You know, yesterday right after lunch you made a comment about xyz. I didn't say anything but it bothered me."

Say it, reassure her that you love her, and move on. There is no need to debate it and you should avoid getting drawn into an argument about it if she gets defensive. You are simply delivering information about your feelings in a matter-of-fact way. Don't have this talk while you are still mad.

Bottom line: Be honest with your girlfriend. The truth will set you free. If something bugs you and you don't say anything then you are not being honest or truthful.

And if your girlfriend can't handle the truth? There are other fish in the sea. You will live a life of misery if you don't tell your significant other how you feel -- or if she can't handle it.

10-11-2007, 06:32 AM	#16 (permalink)
nonplussed Tilted	I don't think you have an anger issue. It's almost the opposite -- I think you have an issue in not asserting yourself. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that things your girlfriend does that bug you are legit and not trivial. It's important to be nice, diplomatic, and flexible but it is even more important to insist on being a 50-50 partner in a relationship. That means that your feelings are equally as important as your girlfriend's. If she is doing something that bugs you, you have every right to tell her how you feel. More importantly, you MUST tell her how you feel or else the tension will build up inside you... as you've already discovered. You absolutely have to say something while it is just a mild irritant and not World War III. In my experience, it is not necessary or even desirable to say something right while it is happening. But something needs to be said soon enough after that she can still remember it. I'm sure you are familiar with the old cliche where the girl says "We need to talk" and the guy cringes? Well, turnaround is fair play. That's exactly what you need to do. Say "We need to talk. You know I love you but I have to tell you something before it builds up inside me and hurts our relationship." Then follow the advice in several of the threads above about how to phrase your complaint. FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR not on the person. And be specific. Don't say "you always do xyz". Say "You know, yesterday right after lunch you made a comment about xyz. I didn't say anything but it bothered me." Say it, reassure her that you love her, and move on. There is no need to debate it and you should avoid getting drawn into an argument about it if she gets defensive. You are simply delivering information about your feelings in a matter-of-fact way. Don't have this talk while you are still mad. Bottom line: Be honest with your girlfriend. The truth will set you free. If something bugs you and you don't say anything then you are not being honest or truthful. And if your girlfriend can't handle the truth? There are other fish in the sea. You will live a life of misery if you don't tell your significant other how you feel -- or if she can't handle it. Last edited by nonplussed; 10-11-2007 at 06:40 AM..