soma

My girlfriend says and does little things that make me angry.
I usually don't say/do anything and just let it build up. About a month ago I couldn't take it any more and I snapped at her. I said a lot of awful things and really hurt her.

She hasn't been able to forgive me so we are currently on a "break" from each other. I want to get back with her, and I want to be able to promise her I won't snap at her ever again. But, I have a feeling things are just going to go back to the way they were and I'll end up hurting her again.

What are some things I can do to better control my anger?

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Having Girl Problems?

maleficent

Instead of letting things build up to the point where you do snap - talk about the things that she does that do bother you... maybe you can work thru them - maybe you can't but unless you talk about it -you'll never know.

And when you do talk to her - don't do finger pointing - like you do this and you do this.. keep it on you - I feel like this when...

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Slims

You sound like you are still anygry.

What is it that upsets you so much, and is it really something she is doing, or are you just oversensitive?

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xxxafterglow

Talk to her once you've calmed down, not in the heat of anger.

I take a walk and clear my head.

Dunno what your issues are with her but if you want to be with her, you may just have to accept some of them as personality quirks. This goes along with Greg's question about being oversensitive.

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Uh huh her.

analog

Stop doing that, that's your first step.

cyklone

Seriously, get professional help or you will find this problem will taint every relationship you will ever have. It comes down to learning to recognise your own emotions, learning the means to communicate them and developing the courage to be that vulnerable.

Plan9

You need to detach yourself from the things that frustrate you into such anger.

Why do we always take everything in life so personal? It usually isn't about us.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

soma

Ok. I do have a problem with being assertive so I usually just bottle my anger up. But how specifically can I work on this. If I want to seek professional help, how can I do this? I'm worried I can't afford it.

One of the bigger reasons why I get mad is when I want to be intimate with her and she turns down my advances. It makes me upset because whenever she asks me to do something for her, I do my best to do it but when I ask for something I really need, she can't deliver. I don't know... When I get horny, it's like I get an itch only she can scratch (I try masturbating a ton whenever i get turned down, but it doesn't do much and I just get more frustrated). I definitely have a larger sexual appetite than she does.

Thoughts?

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Having Girl Problems?

cyklone

You need to be looking for a psychologist, preferably one who works within a behavioural and cognitive framework for this. Easy and cheap in Aussie because we can get that on the public health system. Don't know about USA.

This is an attitude fraught with danger. You seem to be implying she should have sex with you out of gratitude or because she owes you? If that is what you want, see a professional (lady). They're cheaper in the long run.

Not necessarily. Possibly you just desire her more than she desires you or, if you have given her the idea that she owes you, she will become strongly resentful of you trying to convert that to sexual favours.

Shauk

hrm, if she's so quick to "break" from you over you snapping to the point of not wanting to forgive you, maybe your relationship was already on the ropes?

other than that, I've had anger management, back when I was in grade school, the slightest thing to piss me off would send me into a rage beating classmates bloody with my metal lunchbox. "oh you dont like my hair? BAM" kind of crap.

it basically comes down to this, dont bottle it up. Explosions are more devastating than firecrackers.

Plan9

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jinn

When I was a wee little toddler, my mother tells me, I had a serious temper. Kids are great at over-reacting to things and getting angry, but she said I was beyond ridiculous.

And when I got really mad, I would bite people. I bit my sister a few times and drew blood, and my mom knew that it would be a problem. She could also tell that I was going to grow up to be a big kid, and that a temper is a very bad thing for a big person. So the next time I bit someone, she bit me right back. She said I just stared at her with this blank look, started to cry, and never bit anyone again.

The point is that I think you'd benefit from having someone massively explode on you in a fit of anger. Being on the recieving end totally changes your perspective. Once you're on the recieving end enough times, its very easy to commit yourself to never doing it - you know what it feels like.

My dad used to get really angry when he was drunk and just GO OFF. After seeing it enough, I'll never act like that, because I know how terrible the other person would feel.

As above, a firecracker is never as bad as TNT.

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xxxafterglow

If you're in the US, you may be able to find cheap/low-income counseling/therapy - check with your doctor or check the internet.

A personal therapist can get pricey. I paid $75/hr. My friend found a therapist who does a sliding scale for payment and she pays $30 per session.

You might also check out group therapy. It's a good way to learn to be assertive and talk about your feelings in front of other people. I really recommend it. In a group setting, you are forced to feel more accountable for your actions. It was the most productive therapy for me. One-on-one talk therapy tends to make me wallow in my own issues rather than taking responsibility for them.

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Uh huh her.

shesus

Maybe she's just not the one for you. Different people bring out different personality traits. I was with a guy once that would be angry a lot. He would snap at me and get pissed over stupid little things, like me forgetting to wear the bracelet he gave me or being a couple minutes late. Eventually, his anger caused him to be in a coma because he drove while being angry with me. I dumped him and then he got another girlfriend. He was a different person.

I don't think you need counseling unless you notice this in other aspects of your life. I'd say you need to practice saying what's on your mind more often. Keeping feelings pent up is asking for an explosion. But therapy couldn't hurt, I just don't think it's the fix all for everything.

As for this relationship, maybe just add it to your list of living and learning. Work on yourself right now...

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Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

xxxafterglow

Hmm, in my experience, if you have issues dealing with your anger, that will carry over into your other relationships. You'll never be with someone that won't ever tick you off; only the issues will be different.

My "angry ex" is still an angry person and the last time we talked he noted that he's learnt it's not right to yell at (I think he uses the term "correct") his spouse but it is ok to yell at his kids. Errr, yeah. He yelled a lot and broke a door down once. I kind of feel for his kids (incidentally, his mother also yells a lot). See the cycle?

Therapy will work for you if you want it to work for you. In your case, if you've tried everything else, I think Group Therapy would be a perfect fit. The best thing therapy can do for you is to help you learn how to articulate your feelings to yourself. You get to know yourself better and you might be able to catch yourself running behavior patterns as you're doing it. Of course, it all depends on how much you work at it but I think it's a pretty good thing when you can tell your SO, "honey, I'm really mad at you right now but I don't want to be a douchebag and yell so I'm going to chill out. I just wanted to say it makes me really mad when you ___________ "

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Uh huh her.

nonplussed

I don't think you have an anger issue. It's almost the opposite -- I think you have an issue in not asserting yourself. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that things your girlfriend does that bug you are legit and not trivial.

It's important to be nice, diplomatic, and flexible but it is even more important to insist on being a 50-50 partner in a relationship. That means that your feelings are equally as important as your girlfriend's. If she is doing something that bugs you, you have every right to tell her how you feel. More importantly, you MUST tell her how you feel or else the tension will build up inside you... as you've already discovered.

You absolutely have to say something while it is just a mild irritant and not World War III. In my experience, it is not necessary or even desirable to say something right while it is happening. But something needs to be said soon enough after that she can still remember it.

I'm sure you are familiar with the old cliche where the girl says "We need to talk" and the guy cringes? Well, turnaround is fair play. That's exactly what you need to do. Say "We need to talk. You know I love you but I have to tell you something before it builds up inside me and hurts our relationship."

Then follow the advice in several of the threads above about how to phrase your complaint. FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR not on the person. And be specific. Don't say "you always do xyz". Say "You know, yesterday right after lunch you made a comment about xyz. I didn't say anything but it bothered me."

Say it, reassure her that you love her, and move on. There is no need to debate it and you should avoid getting drawn into an argument about it if she gets defensive. You are simply delivering information about your feelings in a matter-of-fact way. Don't have this talk while you are still mad.

Bottom line: Be honest with your girlfriend. The truth will set you free. If something bugs you and you don't say anything then you are not being honest or truthful.

And if your girlfriend can't handle the truth? There are other fish in the sea. You will live a life of misery if you don't tell your significant other how you feel -- or if she can't handle it.

Plan9

Kick her ass, Seabass.

Don't store shit, put it out.

Talk to her about how it makes you feel.

"I think you're retarded."

Hey, better than nothing.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

SpottedThinker

Express your feelings about the things she does that annoy you in a CARING way... maybe she's doing them because she's insecure because she isn't getting attention, affection, or appreciation in some area of her life.