Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - How we act in relationships: some things to consider...

analog · 09-09-2007, 11:24 PM

This is meant to be a constructive space. Posting something like, "I don't want to buy your goddamn tampons" isn't really constructive- that's just venting.

Take a moment, and really put together something (or a few things) that are overall observations on relationships, and the issues that you face. Try not to make it personal, and they don't have to target one particular sex. For example, the two I've written below are gender neutral, and don't allude to any guilty parties. They're simply my observations of problem areas in relationships.

Please join in by adding your own, following my example. If we can maintain a constructive tone and keep away from finger-pointing at the sexes for stereotypical behaviors, I think this can be a great atmosphere for opening up and learning.

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If the words, "I shouldn't have to tell you _____" ever escape your lips, you are insane.

Yes, you have to communicate. You do have to tell someone something if you expect anything to happen.

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Learn the word "compromise". You keep using that word- it does not mean what you think it means. You seem to think it means "tit for tat" (heh... tit). It does not.

Therefore, when you say, "I'm trying to compromise with you... you always do _______ so therefore I get to do ________ to balance it out" you are not compromising- you're just getting what you want by referencing something that's already happened that you didn't want.

Compromise is a settlement of differences by mutual concessions. It's not for use in retroactive balance-making. So, when you fail to communicate (see #1) and let us do _____ when you actually don't care for it, you should not be surprised that we're upset when you spring ______ on us later on, under the guise of "compromise". You would be surprised at how much each party can indulge in, if you communicate ahead of time. Anyone, male or female, will tell you that planned unpleasantness is much easier to handle than sudden unpleasantness. In other words, either person is more likely to be agreeable to the desires of the other if the situation starts out...

"hey I'd like to do _______ on saturday."
"ok. i'll tell you what. I know you're not a fan, but how about next saturday I do ______"

That is much more acceptable for both parties. This is completely opposite of what normally happens, which is:

"hey I'd like to do _______ on saturday."
"ok"
*one week later*
"yeah so last weekend you did _______ so now it's my turn to do something so tomorrow I'm doing ________"

That is not compromise. That is a very unhealthy attempt at getting what you what by offsetting what the other person got to do/have.

09-09-2007, 11:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
analog Banned	How we act in relationships: some things to consider... This is meant to be a constructive space. Posting something like, "I don't want to buy your goddamn tampons" isn't really constructive- that's just venting. Take a moment, and really put together something (or a few things) that are overall observations on relationships, and the issues that you face. Try not to make it personal, and they don't have to target one particular sex. For example, the two I've written below are gender neutral, and don't allude to any guilty parties. They're simply my observations of problem areas in relationships. Please join in by adding your own, following my example. If we can maintain a constructive tone and keep away from finger-pointing at the sexes for stereotypical behaviors, I think this can be a great atmosphere for opening up and learning. ------------ If the words, "I shouldn't have to tell you _____" ever escape your lips, you are insane. Yes, you have to communicate. You do have to tell someone something if you expect anything to happen. ----------- Learn the word "compromise". You keep using that word- it does not mean what you think it means. You seem to think it means "tit for tat" (heh... tit). It does not. Therefore, when you say, "I'm trying to compromise with you... you always do _______ so therefore I get to do ________ to balance it out" you are not compromising- you're just getting what you want by referencing something that's already happened that you didn't want. Compromise is a settlement of differences by mutual concessions. It's not for use in retroactive balance-making. So, when you fail to communicate (see #1) and let us do _____ when you actually don't care for it, you should not be surprised that we're upset when you spring ______ on us later on, under the guise of "compromise". You would be surprised at how much each party can indulge in, if you communicate ahead of time. Anyone, male or female, will tell you that planned unpleasantness is much easier to handle than sudden unpleasantness. In other words, either person is more likely to be agreeable to the desires of the other if the situation starts out... "hey I'd like to do _______ on saturday." "ok. i'll tell you what. I know you're not a fan, but how about next saturday I do ______" That is much more acceptable for both parties. This is completely opposite of what normally happens, which is: "hey I'd like to do _______ on saturday." "ok" one week later "yeah so last weekend you did _______ so now it's my turn to do something so tomorrow I'm doing ________" That is not compromise. That is a very unhealthy attempt at getting what you what by offsetting what the other person got to do/have.