Shauk

I don't know how to do this really.

Last night I fired up the laptop to do a little internetting. I noticed her picture on my friends list changed on myspace. I opened it up and it was the picture I had taken of her over the weekend.

We had a fairly emotional weekend together and talked about stuff pertaining to lots of "if" type things as to getting back together and givng things another attempt.

I was under the notion that she was "getting over" the ex that she left me for so I just said "you're not ready"

well, back to her myspace, I believe in body language, and people saying what they want to say without meaning to say it. I also believe you can tell a lot about a person who keeps things fairly updated through some sort of expressive conduit on the internet, be it myspace, livejournal, or TFP.

Well her song had changed to "if tha mood" by esthero. Not a song I'm familiar with, but the lyrics were basically saying she wants to fuck this guy who she used to be with, that she dumped (ok at this point, could have been me right?) but the lyrics also go on to say that this guy is with another woman, and they wind up fucking anyway.

I didn't really wanna make any assumptions. Then she called me last night and I was pretty blunt with the whole "what the fuck is the story with your profile song?"

she basically got weepy again, said she didn't wanna tell me because she didn't want me to think any less of her. well eventually it came out that she had slept with him again on the tuesday and wednesday just before she came to see me on saturday. He's with 2 other girls right now too and they aren't even dating and she just keeps trying to throw her fucking pussy at him to get him back

how fucked up is that? then she got all upset and said something like "I didn't wanna tell you because I knew it would upset you and it feels like we're headed down this path again"

I asked her to clarify and she said that it felt like we were getting back together and that she felt it was fucked up that she felt the need to apologize to me since we're not even together, but her feelings are her feelings.

I can understand that.

I just told her off as best I could though. She can't get her emotional/intellectual needs met by me while she chooses to fuck some 20 year old bitchass who's sleeping with 3 girls a week. We're not headed down any path as far as I'm concerned. I asked her why it was so fucking important to her what I thought of her, we're not dating, we're not together, what the fuck am I to her?

her response, "the most important person in my life"

to which I said "i don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility.

she said "Well I figure you wouldn't talk to me so much if you didn't want it"

to which I pretty much ended our phone call right there and I have no intention of talking to her until she isn't fucked up anymore, which at this rate, is never.


but fuck this hurts like an open wound all over again. Don't be friends with your exes if you still love them, its bullshit.