Dude, seriously, that was a good read. It sums up a lot of what I've always felt.
When I get hurt, or when something starts to get too hard emotionally with someone, my instinctive reaction is to build a big wall, block everyone out, and strike at them before they can do it to me.
Now, I say that's my instinctive reaction, it is certainly not how I react at all.
I have a long and sordid history with depression and anxiety. I've come to feel that when I want to act in such a selfish way, it's a by product of those issues.
The thing that overrides those feelings is that at the end of the day I just can't stand having unresolved issues with people I love. I have to get my concerns out there, I have to get it dealt with, if I don't, I stew about it and fall to pieces.
It's because I'm a paranoid and neurotic head case that I'll be very forward about my feelings. If I don't put these issues to bed, I loose my shit.
I've been through some tough things, and some really fucked up shit growing up. But to a point we all have. Some how I've come out of it all, and I've always tried to use those experiences to make me stronger and wiser, even though at the time I think my world is falling apart. In a way, I'm glad for all the hard times I've had to work through, because it's brought me to the point I'm at now, and it sure as hell makes you appreciate the good times.
I try to be an open book in relationships, even though sometimes I suppress feelings to begin with so I don't come across as a complete crazy person. I think that's why I'm always attracted to other head cases, I don't feel so bad for being a head case as well
I guess one of the things I've come to learn, is people might fuck you over, but it's not always as malicious as you think it is. We're human, we make mistakes, and at the end of the day, it's a fucking tough act to do what is best for you, and do whats best for everyone around you, invariably someone gets hurt.
I kind of liken relationships with my love of rock climbing. I fully accept that it is dangerous, and that I could get hurt. Sometimes it's just a little, sometimes it's a more serious injury. But because I loved climbing so much I kept doing despite the risks. It's just a part of the activity. Once you accept that you can just 'harden the fuck up' and get on with it :-)
Once again Crompsin, thank you for sharing that, at this point in my life it's given me something to really consider at the moment.