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Plan9 · 07-10-2007, 09:41 AM

Hmm, let's see if this is kosher-legal...

This is an excerpt outta Sweatbox, a Henry Rollins spoken word CD from like a million years in my past. I transcribed this piece many moons ago ('97) and had it tacked to my wall for years because I really relate to it. For me... it gets easier to understand each year. I thought maybe others here would, too. The colorful figurative sayings really nail it for me.

Quote:

Untouchable.

"Most of you have been through like... the relationship... ya know, you've gotten down with the boy or girl or whatever - rock, a table leg, or whatever... whatever your preference is... and you remember, of course... how the relationship... like, ya know... EERRRRRZZ... BAAAM! Ya know, and so number two comes around and you say to yourself: "Ah-ha! Well, I'm not going to do that, that, that, and that... 'cause I remember the last time I did those things - look where it got me.

So, relationship number five, a little bit more crafty: "Aaaah-well-hahahaha, I know now that when you say this, she thinks it means this, so if you want her to know that you mean that, you gotta say this."

Okay, relationship number fifty. Really crafty, really mean, you're like, ya know, like some god damn secret agent. Ya know, it's like emotional chess. Okay? It's like: "Well... so I can do this, this, and this... I'll say this, this, and this... so when I go out and do it she won't be able to say anything 'cause I've given her permission to go out and do this, this, and this at the start of the relationship. She can't use it against me in court." It just gets really ridiculous and you find that maybe you had a bad trip with someone else and you take it out on this innocent other person who comes walking down the pike. And this is this thing about that:

That feeling, that untouchable feeling. After you've been through a rough thing with someone else and somehow you managed to survive it and come out in one piece. Whole, but harder for it. That untouchable feeling, like no one is going to do that to you again and why don't they just try it and see how far it gets them. Ya might go as far to get yourself into another relationship and test yourself by seeing how cold and realistic you can be and how far you can go without feeling something, like some kind of messed up drinking contest where you down a gallon of whiskey and show off the fact that you're not drunk, that you can handle your booze, no sweat, that you can emotions, no sweat, that you can go almost all the way and pull out right before you start to feel.

What control you have, so proud of yourself, you tell yourself that you're really doing it right now. That this is good because you've got a grip on the whole thing and it's a good thing that you grew up in time before you wrecked yourself on some stupid relationship. You laugh at all the old things you used to do, a month ago, in the old days, before you got wise, before ya saw the light, before ya got hip to the fact that only way to enjoy someone's company is to enjoy yourself on their time. To be open about being closed, to be honest with yourself about lying to yourself, about using someone else's body to masturbate with instead of using your own, to come to the realization that the only way not to get hurt is to hurt somebody else and keep it that way.

And somehow you make it all right. You have a better understanding of yourself now and you've learned that it's okay to feel good, even if it's at someone else's expense. It's okay because now you are your own best friend. No one loves you like you do. You gotta look out for number one because that's the only one that matters. You! You tell yourself you've been through the wringer and you're smarter, stronger, and tougher now because of your trials, when really you are meaner, more petty and cruel than you've ever been and it doesn't matter who the next person is in your life, they aren't going to get away with what the last one did, and why not? Because you will get away with it first!

Alright... uhm, it's very easy to have some kind of shitty deal happen to you and turn it around and just be a rotten son of a bitch, or daughter of a bitch... or whatever... towards everyone around you.

Oh well, ya know, you're walking down the street and an assassin came out and blew your leg off, okay, you're a little upset about that and so you're a rotten piece of shit to all your friends because of all the bad luck you've suffered. Well, what's even better than that is letting all of your trials and your tribulations and all the shit that damn near killed you, and all your rough times turn you into a stronger person. And strength isn't like just being more mean... strength is being more kind. And that's why you see like, a guy who's been to prison maybe, he's been through the wringer there and instead of just all going like: "Hey, muthafucker!" he's just like: "Hey, man... how ya doing?" 'cause he doesn't have to be yelling and screaming and gettin' in your face 'cause he's already been locked down in the hole in the middle of nowhere for 30 straight days, so his experience kinda broadened him, made him a little kinder.

Just remember that you should take all the bad shit that happens to you and let it strengthen you so you can turn around and be so much cooler for it instead of more fucked up for it, because if you don't you might end up just destroying yourself before you even get along down the road.

Ya know, it'd be real easy to be fucked up by your parents and just be a fuck up for the rest of your life instead of learning from it and making damn sure that you never do that kinda shit to anyone again. So, uhm, that's the idea I'll leave you with, hopefully a good, positive note."

Yeah, that was Henry Rollins... sometime in the early '90s.

I worry that a lot of us have fallen into the third paragraph mentality.