katyg

I am slightly overwhelmed by the answers you have all given me. I am quite moved by how understanding and open they are. Thank you.

Last night after work and posting, I spoke to him about things. I explained how I couldn't move on, how he keeps acting impatient about me putting what he said down to anger/confusion etc etc and how much pressure that puts me under. At first he was depressed 'I can't put this right can I?'. 'I don't know' I said. There was a lot of silence, we both considered our thoughts well before speaking, nobody raised their voice and after a little while he seemed to stop being weighed down and immature about it and took responsibility.

'I worry that you don't love me and that this has been a huge waste of my time, I should be the love of your life...' for the first time he really reassured me : 'You are the love of my life, I want to go away with you, buy a house with you, grow old with you, I am not going to leave you'.

We spoke at length about how much he finds it hard to express nice feelings - the british northern stiff upper lip thing where boys don't cry, don't say 'I love you' very often. He says he thinks positive things about me all the time, but it's hard to express them and say 'That thing you did was so sweet' etc etc and that I should never doubt that he thinks those things and that he will work to express them more and not say negative things and yeild more. He said that when we argue 99% of the time, I am in the right and he is being stubborn, he needs to yeild more to keep me, be more patient.

I know some people will groan at this story. And perhaps I agree on some level that this has been an abusive relationship, I feel I have been mistreated and Iam justified in my feelings now and it's his turn to work hard to out things right.

I feel stronger now, reassured by him and safe that last time, was the last time. I am sure there will be doubtful times in the future but I feel strong enough to work at this. He was raised in a family where he was beaten and abused a lot and although that is not an excuse for his behaviours sometimes, maybe it does explain his lack of care with his words and his difficulty with emotion.

I do think the example set by your family ingrains in you certain ways of being. His mother beat him severely and his dad wasn't around, she basically bullied him too, with the help of his sister. Myself I come from a fairly settled background in my family though, I was cheated on by my first boyfriend at 16 by my best friend, so sometimes I am insecure about my looks and being abandoned. I could walk away and probably find somebody else and wouldn't have to take this baggage but I am going to stick it out. Life's too short for regrets and if I left now - just when it seems to be turning around I think I'd regret it.

I will post again and let you guys know how things go. Thanks again for everything x