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I was in a very similar situation about a year ago, only in reverse. Like you, my husband was not satisfied with the weight I was carrying in our marriage. He was right for the most part and I realized it and have since changed my behavior and am doing my best to maintain it. Our issue was a little like yours in that I am a housewife and I was not keeping a home like I should be while not working. Not a filthy pigsty, but things like not doing the dishes everyday when I had no excuse not to, for example.
However that isn't the similarity I meant. Like your wife, my husband let his dissatisfaction simmer for a year or more without ever letting me know the serious distress he was feeling. He'd make little comments here and there but nothing to clue me in to how bad he was feeling. Then one day he just cracked, crying almost incoherently that he couldn't live like this anymore, didn't feel appreciated, actually mentioned the D word. He left the house and later called me from somewhere in the car. This was so completely foreign to anything in our 17 yrs. together. Thankfully he came home, we worked on things and are now happy once again (very simplified). BUT...
Like your wife's silence, he came to realize, understand and apologized for how completely unfair it is for a spouse to bury such serious feelings of resentment without ever allowed the other the opportunity to correct the source of said resentment. For me we went from A straight to Z in a moment, when he'd been moving toward Z for a year. Thankfully for us we had an otherwise happy and loving 17 yr. union that he "didn't" want to lose, just fix and was gladly willing to fight for it.
In your marriage, sadly, I have to say I think your wife doesn't want to fix it and decided that long ago. The glaring thing for me is the refusal to seek counseling or even try to communicate and work things out at home. That and the fact that you are an "interruption" to her "leisure time" of 8-10 hrs. a day in a relationship, even virtual, with another man.
Having suffered clinical depression, I can say it usually makes one care for very little, not care very much for one person and not another. I'm sorry for you and your baby that will be born, but I don't think she wants your marriage any longer.
Ali
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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll
"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson
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