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Drider_it I'm really sorry for your terrible experiences with lost family members. I understand it can feel good to be angry at something, but I think it's really important not to let it dominate your thoughts. I also think it's important to separate what you're angry at, and what you're afraid of. What is it about cancer that frightens you the most - the pain you saw your family members go through? the treatment side effects? deformity from surgery? change in personality/mental clarity? death itself?
You're absolutely right that cancer takes away some wonderful people. If you're still feeling a lot of grief about these close people's deaths, then by all means stay angry at cancer. I don't want to tell you how to grieve. But I think you're hurting yourself by being afraid of it to the point of paranoia. If you want advice on how to be healthier and maybe lower the chances of cancer, ask your doctor. If you want reassurance about some of the specific aspects of the disease course that are frightening, then it's important to remember that your experience won't necessarily be like your uncles' or your grandmother's. If you don't want fatigue and nausea you don't have to have chemotherapy. If you don't want muddled thoughts you can ask for different pain medications. Just remember that if you ever do get a disease like cancer, you're in charge of the treatments you get, and have a lot of choice about the quality of life you have, even if you don't have a lot of control over the length of time you have. Hopefully the confidence that you would be in charge of any disease you might get will lessen your worries a little bit, and help you figure out exactly what it is that you're most anxious about.
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