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Originally Posted by abaya
And, I agree with what you say here, Martian... but what I want to know is, how do my husband and I raise our (future) son to NOT carry the emotionally-unexpressive torch? I envision our children being healthy (in all ways) and well-equipped to communicate and feel and not be intimidated by social expectations of their gender. I know it's probably impossible to do so, but I still want to strive for it. Tips? Do any men out there have reflections on what they wish their father *hadn't* done (or had)?
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I think that's an interesting question, but before I make any sort of attempt at answering this, I want to stress to anyone who reads this or my prior post that I am
not any sort of a therapist or behaviourist. I am not an expert here. These are simply my own views and opinions, shaped by my own experience and observations.
That said, I do think that children learn best by seeing. A son bases his opinion of what a man should be on his father; therefore, if you want a boy to grow up emotionally mature and expressive, the best way to teach that to him is to give him an example of a man who does the same. I doubt that will be an easy thing for dad to do, but then I also figure the first step in solving a problem is being aware that there's a problem at all. Aside from that, I think it's important to allow a child to express emotions and acknowledge them. You can't give your son the necessary equipment for recognizing and dealing with his emotions, since it's something that he has to develop for himself. You can help him on that path by allowing him to feel and explore his own emotions. Don't tell your son that it's wrong to feel a certain way; instead, explore with him why he might feel the way he does. If something makes him sad or guilty, sit down and talk about it with him. The part that I think is really great is that he just might end up teaching you as much as you teach him.
As to your other question.. well, I'd count my step-dad as my primary influence on me in terms of a role model, and I don't blame him for my own problems. He did the best he could with what he was given. Now it's my turn. I'll do the best I can with what I've got. Should I some day have a son, I will do my best to hand down the sorts of lessons and be the sort of man I want him to be. I don't expect to always succeed, but it's important that I try anyway.