Ok,wow, this thread is about a year old, but I just came across it on google. I can totally relate to your girlfriend. I am in counseling right now and I chose to go b/c of this SAME EXACT ISSUE I had with my boyfriend. I always felt weird b/c usually the women in relationship are the ones who like to talk through everything and solve problems, whereas the men are the ones who withdraw into their "cave." So I've been in counseling for a few months now. It was really taking a toll on our relationship, and my situation goes back to my relationship with my dad. I feel like it's getting better for my boyfriend and I (he has been very patient and encouraging, but I know it's very frustrating for him as well). He's been supportive and I've been reading a few books about bonding and communication styles (bonding is a HUGE thing....she needs to feel at ease and secure to open up and when you "force" her to talk, she withdraws...I do the same thing). It's kinda like the whole "fight or flight" idea too. When conflict arises, she probably uses a defense mechanism that is deep-rooted.....and chooses "flight" or withdrawing instead of dealing with it. It's been a struggle for me/us but I'm learning more and trying to be more open and put my boyfriend's best interests ABOVE my choice to just shut off. I know it hurts him when I don't open up and don't choose to put the effort forth, but it's very hard when you come from a place where it's "natural" for you to react that way. So it's going to take a lot of work and a DEEP DESIRE to change and really hate what it does to your relationship...and it's going to take support and sensitivity and patience on your part. In my situation, my "emotional development" stopped maturing at around 19 or so (due to some family hardships) so I never really learned to open up and realize there is an in between ground.....in between withdrawing or fighting, there is conflict resolution. She may need some time to regain her thoughts if/when she's in a situation where she may withdraw. I know that for ME, I get that scared look and it's tough for me to think on the spot. I researched some symptoms of the fight or flight thing and a whole chemical reaction occurs in which we cannot think as well. I'd recommend just saying "i don't want us to fight but let's take a few minutes to calm down and we can talk about this again in 10 or 15 minutes." This MAY help b/c then she'd be more calm and have some TIME to regain her thoughts and not feel so on the spot. Anyways, not sure if this post is even gonna mean anything at this point....a year later..haha. Just thought I'd write it!
