Wow, its been entirely toooo long since I've posted anything. Been busy out the asshole and whatnot. Ok, here goes...I have this major problem that has been plaguing my brain for an extremely long time now. It has to do with the wonderful relationship that I've been in for a year and a half now. He asked me to marry him a little while back and we're looking to buy and renovate a big old house together soon. Everything is good with us, except the usual fights (always over the stupidest shit!) that I suppose are a necessary evil. He has a bit of an anger control issue thats always present, and tends to really come out on the nights that he's been drinking. No worries, no hitting, or abuse of any sort has ever been the result. Basically when we're good, we're really really good, but when we're bad...we're bad (it's a vicious cycle, if you know what I mean). Alright, first and foremost, I have basically no self-esteem...and what little I do have remaining is slowing deteriorating because my lack of it, and this issue that I've been dealing with. I haven't been treated well in my past relationships at all (never NOT been cheated on before), and of course now that I have something/someone as great as him, I'm going to worry about losing it, like I have every other good relationship thats ever came my way in the past.
You see, it wouldn't be as bad as it is if it wasn't for his ex. They were together for 6 years, on and off throughout, and every time that they did happen to split up was her doing, not his. To me I think that she is very pretty compared to myself, but thats me. Unfortunatley I wasn't blessed with a perfect supermodel body, which she is. I mean, I'm not FAT but average... you know, nothing really too special. People have told me that I'm much prettier than she, and that she's way too skinny, whatever, blah, blah! Why doesn't any of this hit home for me, why do I still feel that she is so much my superior??? They haven't been together for a long time now, but for some strange reason I can't stop thinking that at some point in time, tomorrow, next year, whenever, that we are going to split up and it will have something to do with her. She has, since we've been together made several attempts to get back with him at all costs, which makes me both want to kill her and fall in a mushy-teary heap all at the same time. There have also been times that I've worried that he has been messing around on me, which is even worse, but it may have just been my, reading into things too much. It's driving me insane, I've talked to some of my friends about it and they all tell me that if I don't have trust in a relationship, that we haven't got anything at all...which I know is quite true. However, that isn't stopping me from worrying about it all the time. He tells me that if he would have wanted to get back with her, that he would have done it already. That phrase to me, means nothing. So what if he didn't want to in the past, things change...people change, what says that he won't ever change his mind in the future? I feel like a woman possessed, dammit!! He's into going to the bar every now and again with his friends on the weekends, and I'm not really into that...but I know that she is, very much so. Sometimes I think that they just have so much more in common than him and I do. She's kinda turned into a bit of a ho since they've split up, partying and whatnot...just being single, in general, and I hear that she thinks that "she could have him whenever she wants him!" And she always seems to end up at the same bar as him on the nights that he gets completley plastered...you can imagine my "optimistic" thoughts on those nights I'm sure.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm afraid.
I know that I have to do something about it soon because its affecting our relationship more and more every day, and whenever I bring it up we end up fighting about it, because he thinks that I don't trust him. But I do, its just that I don't trust her...or maybe its him too a little bit, I DON'T KNOW! Trust me though, I really honestly have been trying not to think about it, or let it bother me, but for some unknown reason to me...its soo hard! Maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing at some point in their life and could give me any advice at all, I'm begging you ladies...please, someone throw me a lifeline...
Thanks for everything!
