InTeGrA77

Wow, its been entirely toooo long since I've posted anything. Been busy out the asshole and whatnot. Ok, here goes...I have this major problem that has been plaguing my brain for an extremely long time now. It has to do with the wonderful relationship that I've been in for a year and a half now. He asked me to marry him a little while back and we're looking to buy and renovate a big old house together soon. Everything is good with us, except the usual fights (always over the stupidest shit!) that I suppose are a necessary evil. He has a bit of an anger control issue thats always present, and tends to really come out on the nights that he's been drinking. No worries, no hitting, or abuse of any sort has ever been the result. Basically when we're good, we're really really good, but when we're bad...we're bad (it's a vicious cycle, if you know what I mean). Alright, first and foremost, I have basically no self-esteem...and what little I do have remaining is slowing deteriorating because my lack of it, and this issue that I've been dealing with. I haven't been treated well in my past relationships at all (never NOT been cheated on before), and of course now that I have something/someone as great as him, I'm going to worry about losing it, like I have every other good relationship thats ever came my way in the past.

You see, it wouldn't be as bad as it is if it wasn't for his ex. They were together for 6 years, on and off throughout, and every time that they did happen to split up was her doing, not his. To me I think that she is very pretty compared to myself, but thats me. Unfortunatley I wasn't blessed with a perfect supermodel body, which she is. I mean, I'm not FAT but average... you know, nothing really too special. People have told me that I'm much prettier than she, and that she's way too skinny, whatever, blah, blah! Why doesn't any of this hit home for me, why do I still feel that she is so much my superior??? They haven't been together for a long time now, but for some strange reason I can't stop thinking that at some point in time, tomorrow, next year, whenever, that we are going to split up and it will have something to do with her. She has, since we've been together made several attempts to get back with him at all costs, which makes me both want to kill her and fall in a mushy-teary heap all at the same time. There have also been times that I've worried that he has been messing around on me, which is even worse, but it may have just been my, reading into things too much. It's driving me insane, I've talked to some of my friends about it and they all tell me that if I don't have trust in a relationship, that we haven't got anything at all...which I know is quite true. However, that isn't stopping me from worrying about it all the time. He tells me that if he would have wanted to get back with her, that he would have done it already. That phrase to me, means nothing. So what if he didn't want to in the past, things change...people change, what says that he won't ever change his mind in the future? I feel like a woman possessed, dammit!! He's into going to the bar every now and again with his friends on the weekends, and I'm not really into that...but I know that she is, very much so. Sometimes I think that they just have so much more in common than him and I do. She's kinda turned into a bit of a ho since they've split up, partying and whatnot...just being single, in general, and I hear that she thinks that "she could have him whenever she wants him!" And she always seems to end up at the same bar as him on the nights that he gets completley plastered...you can imagine my "optimistic" thoughts on those nights I'm sure.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm afraid. I know that I have to do something about it soon because its affecting our relationship more and more every day, and whenever I bring it up we end up fighting about it, because he thinks that I don't trust him. But I do, its just that I don't trust her...or maybe its him too a little bit, I DON'T KNOW! Trust me though, I really honestly have been trying not to think about it, or let it bother me, but for some unknown reason to me...its soo hard! Maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing at some point in their life and could give me any advice at all, I'm begging you ladies...please, someone throw me a lifeline...

Thanks for everything!

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28 days...6 hours...42 minutes...12 seconds...

little_tippler

His drinking will become a bigger problem over time, quite likely. You're not his mom, you shouldn't have to put up with shit like that.

You need to like yourself more. Give yourself a little more value. Right now his lack of worry about your worries is eating at that low self-esteem more and more. He's probably also the worng person to help your self-esteem get any better.

Sometimes your instincts are right. Usually mine are. When I see meddling ex-girlfriends alarm bells go off in my head. Something will probably happen, if it hasn't already.

So my advice? It's not going to work, and you CAN find someone better. Someone who makes you feel happy and confident and secure in your relationship. Someone who gives a damn about your feelings. Someone who is happy enough with you, himself and his life, that he doesn't have to resort to crutches (like alcohol) to get through the day - or that, whatever their failings may be, are willing to talk about them and actively try to work them out of their system.

I'm not usually this blunt but your post strikes a chord with me and I know how hard it is to see the wood for the trees when you're wrapped up in your own feelings for someone else. Whatever you decide, don't be blind. You may not be perfect, but neither is he.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Kaliena

I would step back from building a future with him, not just because of the ex factor but more for the drinking.

Also, taking some time for yourself would be really helpful I think. Most of my friends, including myself, have delved in too deep before, end up losing ourselves, confidence etc. I found that taking a break, stepping back, and looking at myself going "ok, what do I want to do, what makes me me. What was a happy/proud/or at least content with that I no longer do/am?"

It was a hard process cause I kept thinking I just wasn't that great anymore but time helped. Also, spend time with good friends. They might be able to give you better advice since they know you better. Also, they're your friends for a reason.

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~Beware the waffle~

InTeGrA77

But what says that my instincts are wrong, and I end up making the biggest mistake of my entire life. Oh, and to make matters even worse, he just told me today that he has been offered his dream job but it would require him to permanently move to New Orleans for it. He has no problem with that, but I most definatley do...I have too much here, EVERYTHING in fact. I just couldn't even begin to think about leaving all of that behind for the rest of my life. He is upset because he told me that he wouldn't leave if I wasn't going with him, because I'm more important. I feel like I'm holding him back from his career, which technically I am because I don't want to leave home. How do you compromise on a situation as serious as that?

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28 days...6 hours...42 minutes...12 seconds...

Sage

Honey, you're putting someone else first in your life.

I have been there, done that, didn't get the T-shirt. I know how you feel, I know what you're going through, I know EXACTLY what your boyfriend is like.

If he loved you, he'd respect your wishes and listen to your concerns about moving. If he loved you, he would be willing to do everything he can to make you feel good about yourself. If you are having low self esteem, he doesn't love you enough. Love makes you feel good- happy, joyful, content, peaceful. True, deep, honest love will build you up, let you grow inside, feel fufilled and special.

Please, please, please take some time to be off by yourself and think over the last year and a half with him. Be objective. Have you had to change yourself or your behavior to suit his needs, while he refuses to change his behavior to suit yours? Have you ever felt that he wasn't putting your needs before his own? When you're with him, does looking into his eyes make you feel like a goddess, like Eve in the garden, like singing and dancing because it makes you so happy?

Real love doesn't leave you with questions. True love is beautiful, and if you have true love then you will look and feel beautiful and radiant. Girl, you don't have true love. You don't have happiness. You have a boyfriend who sees you as a convience and a warm wet hole to put his dick in. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

Re-read little_tippler's post. She said a lot of very good, very smart and very true things.

Be happy- set yourself free, start living again, re-discover yourself. I did it, and it was hard at first but it was THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I can't stress that enough.

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abaya

True dat! True love would not leave you with all this shit in your head... even if it looks good on the outside. Believe me, even though I've had some very insecure times, I am with someone who has been patient with me through them all... never invalidating my feelings, even when he could see right through them to my own insecurity. I never had that with anyone before I met him. THAT's worth marrying. I honestly don't think your guy has that going for you... and that you definitely deserve better.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sweetpea

I have to echo the comments to take some time out for yourself. Really think about what's best for YOU. It may not be something you normally do, it may even feel selfish, but it's the key to happiness.... this guy you have, he may be great, he may be the one... i'm not saying he isn't... but what i'm saying is that you need to take some time out to think by yourself about things, just really do some soul searching about what's going to make you happy.

If you don't want to move to another state..... then let him know about that, i'm not sure what he's said about it but... if he's not willing to compromise or he's just going to do it anyway with or without you.... that's saying a lot.... He can find another Dream job... what he can't find is another YOU.

You deserve to be happy and your worthy of a positive and loving relationship, don't doubt that for a moment.

and we're here for you

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

Starkizzer

I know what its like to have low self esteem and question every little good thing that happens to you. I was a victim of abuse as a child. Because of this I have found myself mistrusting my bf of almost 4 years then realizing I have no need to. I think that over time things happen that erode our ability to trust that good things can happen to us and that we do deserve them. My suggestion is try soem therapy of anykind, I went and it did help. Also see if your guy would be willing to attend some couples counseling with you and tell him its for the good of the relationship and that it will help you deal with the things that have happened to you in your past aka the cheating. We are worth it and we deserve good things, sometimes I think the hardest person to convince of this is ourselves.
Good luck

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Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

InTeGrA77

I really do love you all...

Helping me through such a shitty time. We did talk about the whole moving to another state thing and he told me that he wouldn't go without me. So I guess that he isn't going, he's a little upset that he lost the opportunity at a really good job but he didn't think twice when I told him I couldn't leave home. He's just really afraid that there aren't too many good jobs that he's interested in around here, and he's never gonna get a chance if he just sticks around the sticks, where we're at now basically. I think that I might be taking the whole "I need some space" deal into consideration, although I know its gonna be really tough for the both of us!

I might have wasted too much of my time pointing out all the bad things that we're going on in our relationship at the moment in my thread. He really is a good guy (great guy in fact), and my lack of self esteem is my own doing, not his. He loves me for who I am, and me him, and treats me very well. I just wish that I could stop worrying about his stupid ex for no reason at all. I want to work out all of our issues and end up better than we've ever been before. Communication and compromise is the key I guess, I just don't wanna throw in the towel and give up on us...

A little male insight...

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28 days...6 hours...42 minutes...12 seconds...

Sweetpea

well, I really am glad he knows that he's got something special with you. Loved ones come over jobs hands down, so he's got his priorities straight. However, it is hard to find work in some areas... so he had a point there and you may need to move at some point, but hopefully it can be something you can compromise on.

Keep us updated on how things are going.

have you ever thought about going to counseling either just yourself or together to work on some of the insecurity issues or his drinking issue? just a thought.

sweetpea

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"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

shesus

Analog is a smart man. And tippler is a smart lady.

Drinking is a definite problem. Been there and left the guy. I never looked back. We were together for over 3 years and I realized that I was better than that. Do you really want to spend your life with a guy that drinks and gets argumentative? Do you want to spend your life wondering if he's going to cheat on you this weekend? I didn't. There are a lot of great guys out there that don't drink like that and are devoted 100% if they love you. I found one after getting out of a relationship with drinking and loss of trust.

I'm just seeing red flags up everywhere. You really need to think, and it sounds like you are. Low self-esteem can be a bitch. It can keep you stuck in situations that deep down you know are bad. It can make you settle when you shouldn't. It can also make you scared that no one else will ever love you.

Another red flag, omg this one is a kicker. Resentment. If this was his dream job and he didn't take it because you didn't want to move. Well, now he'll say he's ok with it, but if times get bad and he can't find a job...hmmm...who is he going to place that blame on?

Just some more things to think about. If you are going to get out, which I would but it's your choice, do it now before finances and legal issues bind you. Then it's a lot more trickier. Good luck!

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Janie

It is too easy to make my reply sound like gibberish, so I will try to highlight my main points with style.

I was/am going through a very similar situation to the one you described, with small differences. In my case, I also had low self-esteem, but I had never let it affect a relationship with anyone until this one. I trusted that my boyfriend would respect me, but it turned out that he cared way too much about how many men I'd slept with, how often I wanted to have sex, how often I orgasmed, the way I danced at the bar, instead of what my feelings were about him. Because I thought I loved him, I stuck through it all, but it destroyed who I was, and trust me, rebuilding that relationship confidence is like crawling up from hell.

Your story brings up so many red flags, as shesus said. The biggest one that screams change something is that your first words are that you have this wonderful relationship, isn't it great, but look at all these problems. I said that too many times to count, and for me it came from a belief that all relationships take work, and darnit I'm not gonna stop working at it because that's what it takes to make it with someone. I think a step back is necessary to re-evaluate the relationship and honestly ask yourself if you are in it because you love it, or if you are in it because you hope things will be wonderful in the future and are willing to work to make it so. If it's the latter, it's not the relationship for you. You can't sustain a meaningful relationship on hope alone.

But stop worrying so much. The hard fact of life is that nothing is certain. It is never certain whether anyone will treat your heart like a cheap frisbee, and you may never see it coming. That is extraordinarily hard to accept, but accepting that seems better than driving yourself crazy over what might happen. I think you will enjoy your relationship more if you have the trust there.

I am not saying, let him do what he wants, assume he will never cheat. Talk to him about it, and also to someone you trust, and hopefully you will get the reassurance you need so the trust can gradually develop. If you can't get that, then again, perhaps this relationship isn't right for you.

/end ridiculously long-winded answer

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