abaya

Your family doesn't happen to be Asian, do they? I ask because my mother is Thai and she (and many other Asian friends' parents of mine) has acted in similar ways at times. That is, the total denigration of the child to the point where the child is expected to kiss the parents' ass and wait on them hand-and-foot until the parent dies. Yeah, I've had my fill.

But even if they're not (or are!) Asian or "traditional" by any means, it's still WRONG. I firmly believe in equality of treatment between parents and children; I've never believed that my mother had any more right to tell me what to do than anyone else did, and have enforced that belief in our relationship since I was about 5 years old. It has strained our relationship, but the only alternative would have been to surrender and lose myself entirely and become completely incompetent, co-dependent, and lacking all self-esteem. That's actually what she wanted me to be like... never moving from home, never questioning her, never becoming my own person. Due to her own insecurity, she had hoped to use me as an emotional feed lot for her entire life. I've consistently rejected her attempts to do so. I don't know if it's the same for your family, but it does sound like both financial and emotional manipulation... and that's enough to fuck up any family.

I've been in counseling for a long time to deal with all the shit from my family, and the work will probably never stop... but it's better than fucking up my future relationships. It is my responsibility how to react to my parents, and no one else's. Listen to Sultana. It really comes down to YOU, not them. Never expect them to change. They won't. It's you who has to make the decision and do the work. I know, it sucks.

Have you considered counseling, by the way? The way you are writing about what's going on inside... it's obvious (to me) that there is a LOT of pain and anger down there, and you're only beginning to touch it. Seriously, give it a try if you haven't already. The fact that you "swore that you would not cry" is a huge signal in itself... why did you do that? There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing strong emotions, and crying is a form of that. You need to allow yourself to feel and express what is going on with someone who is safe (not your sister, obviously not your parents). Anything else is going come back to haunt you many years from now, when you have your own family and children...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran