1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Just how guilty was he?)
2. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(That will save the cost of imprisoning him!)
3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(I say, give it to him.)
4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
(WTF??)
5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)
6. Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
(Modern science is amazing isn't it?)
7. Deer Kill 17,328
(Okay, who's selling arms to the deer?)
8. Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
(But can they hold up the roof?)
