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Originally Posted by NoSoup
Forgive me for being blunt, but I don't really think that you're dealing with shades of gray here - you're pretty much an asshole, twice over.
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I'm a little annoyed at being called an asshole. I know jsut by looking at these stories, most people will be hardpressed to think anything else about me. But try to remember that people's lives are more than just the 2 events they wrote about in an online post. First, let me state that I am by no means a guy who's after nothing but sex or out to wreck people's relationships or friendships. I'm a virgin, have had 1 casual relationship, and 1 serious relationship. The one
hook-up (story 2) I had, I only went as far as second base that night, and I was the one to slow down.
P.S. I'm out of college, so I can easily say compared to TFP, I've probably dated very little.
P.S #2. I might be miffed at your tone and thinking, but I still appreciate that you posted.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
Situation A:
1. How much blame or responsibility does the 3rd party share? Assume 3rd party was single, but knew that the person they hooked up with was in a relationship.
The 3rd Party shares equal amounts of responsibility from the outside observer, probably less than person B here if I were looking at it from person A's point of view. If you knew she was with someone, why did you do it?
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Let's see, I probably didn't give enough backstory here. This was my long, and one and only serious relationship. She was the only girl I'd ever loved, if that's what it was. She broke up with me, so yeah, I was fairly crushed then, and still had feelings for her. She also had not lost all feelings for me either. I was leaving college for good, so there were a whole mix of emotions that boiled over. So yeah, that's why it happened. Does that make it right? Probably not. That's why I posted to hear thoughts about it.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
2. Are there mitigating circumstances for the people involved in the cheating? What if 3rd party and B had been in a relationship before? What if there had been a past history of hooking up between 3rd party and B?
Not really - it's still cheating. It doesn't really matter what the past history is or whether or not there had been a relationship.
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Yeah, overall it's still cheating. I think the relationship is a somewhat mitigating factor to me and my conscience. Maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I should tell myself there's no excuse for what I did and that I should ensure it never happens again.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
3. What if A and B were on the verge of breaking up anyways?
That's their decision to make - not yours. Keep it in your pants until they say it's finished, don't make the decision for them.
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Actually, I had no idea about the status of their relationship. I wasn't trying to break them up. This was just a purely theoretical question. And yeah, I probably should have kept it in my pants, atleast figuratively. Easier said than done though.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
4. Is there a limit in terms of physical activity you might be willing to forgive if there were extenuating circumstances or you’re in a forgiving mood? For example, 1 light kiss might be extremely forgivable, several nights of sex would invite total wrath.
Again, perhaps I'm not really all that forgiving when it comes to cheating, but cheating is cheating is cheating. Certainly, there are varying degrees, and my fiance and I would likely be able to work through a kiss, but pretty much anything after that is a done deal.
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No contest. I used to believe the same thing.
Situation B
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
5. Should 3rd party or B have told A what went down? How soon should they have told A? Should they have waited to see if something serious developed before telling A?
Uh, yeah. Especially if B and 3rd Party claim to be good friends/girlfriend with A. How soon? Well, it should never have happened to begin with, but if it did, I'd suggest telling him as soon as possible so he doesn't waste any more time on person B or 3rd Party. No - they've already ruined it for A and B, there isn't any sense it seeing what becomes of B and 3rd Party to see whether or not A should find out his girlfriend is a cheater and his good friend stabbed him in the back
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Ok, this definitely needs clarification. The relationship between A and B happened over a year ago. They now live on opposite coasts, and from what info I had, I thought it was a closed chapter in their lives. I did not RUIN it for A and B because it was repeatedly drummed into me that there was nothing to ruin. She flirted back, said she was single, and told me A had cheated on her and that she hated him. Are you stating that once your friend dates someone, they are forever untouchable?
I only asked this question for the sake of the theoretical long term relationshiop factor. I figure if you're going to date the ex of a friend, then better he find out from you rather than through some gossip.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
6. What if it became apparent that B did something with 3rd Party, but only to get back at A as a revenge ploy? Would it be more acceptable if A had cheated on B in the first place?
B can then be considered a wack job. Cheating is never an acceptable revenge ploy - no matter what A had done to begin with. Had A cheated on B initially, they either need to move past it and A needs to forgive (so no revenge is necessary) or if they can't, they need to break it off and grow up.
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She didn't cheat. They were not together, and had not been together for over a year. If it was revenge, it was just to say to A, "Screw you, I made out with one of your friends. Hope you enjoy thinking about that!" However, I do know now that there is some continuing saga that won't end. If I had definitely known that before, I would not have touched this situation with a 10-mile pole.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
7. Let’s say B then had a fight with A, and told A in a fit of rage that B had hooked up with 3rd Party? Should 3rd Party talk to A? What if 3rd Party and A are far away from each other, but had made vague plans to visit each other in the not too far away future?
It depends on the relationship between 3rd Party and A. A probably deserves an explanation, and it would perhaps help salvage the relationship between the two - although, in my opinion, there is nothing to be salvaged.
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A and I have been pretty good friends for the last 8-9 years. We've never been incredibly close, but if we're ever in the same area, we've hung out a lot.
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Originally Posted by NoSoup
8. What if B apologizes to 3rd party for telling A? Should 3rd party continue to hang out with B? What if alcohol is involved, which was a primary reason for their previous last hookup?
In my opinion B and 3rd party deserve each other. Have at it - as long as B is no longer with A. If they are together still, you shouldn't even be asking this question.
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Ok, I really stated this question poorly. Now that I know B is pretty much carrying several tons of baggage, I don't want to hang out with her. However, some of my other friends invited her to a farewell party this weekend that will involve tons of alcohol. Now, I'm just worried about a reprisal. My ability to think coherently when I drink a lot is non-existant. Not going to the party, or not drinking is basically not an option because it is one of my best friends that is leaving. So far, I think I'm going to tell one of my friends who drinks less to make sure she is kepty away from me.
Anyways, hope that explains things a little bit better.