Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - How to discuss issues with girlfriend, constructively?

innovis · 07-11-2006, 10:13 PM

I don't know how to discuss things constructively with my girlfriend (19, me 22).
I would like some input on how to talk about the following issues:

Anger/Frustration- She'll sometimes take her anger/irritation out on other people. She'll snap or be nasty. If I'm on the phone talking to her, and someone in the background starts talking to her, she'll yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate.

Manipulation- She says things that I feel are intended to manipulate me at the time, and not go through with them. It will end up being a he-said/she-said situation and cancel out discussion. She also lies about things to avoid confrontation. This mostly results in altered expectations...

Distorted Expectations- After an incident involving her being unable to control her drinking which resulted in a huge fight (because she broke a commitment to me, broke her word to me, knowingly), she agreed only to drink around me. Now she doesn't remember saying that. She'll also tempt me with the promise of sex but change her mind later, and say she didn't. Basically I'm lead to believe one thing while she does whatever she feels on a whim.

Trust- Because she lies about things, large and small, and she has cheated on one of her boyfriends in the past, and because she cannot control her social drinking on occasions, I have difficulty trusting her. I can't tell her this, because she'll say that she can't prove to me that she is trustworthy by any way but not doing what causes me to lose her trust, and that I make her feel bad by bringing it up, and if I can't trust her we shouldn't be together. But I see her lie and it destroys my ability to trust her. I see her fall short of my expectations and I lose my ability to trust her. I've tried to blindly trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt, because I care for her deeply, until I see that kind of thing happen.

How do I talk about these issues in a constructive manner? I expect her to be truthful, not to break expectations she creates without good reason, and to realize her limitations as a human being and set real limits for herself.

Edit: I don't want sex to be something she doesn't want, but I also don't want to expect it, be lead to believe that its going to happen and then have her tell me its not. I don't think thats cool.

07-11-2006, 10:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
innovis Crazy	How to discuss issues with girlfriend, constructively? I don't know how to discuss things constructively with my girlfriend (19, me 22). I would like some input on how to talk about the following issues: Anger/Frustration- She'll sometimes take her anger/irritation out on other people. She'll snap or be nasty. If I'm on the phone talking to her, and someone in the background starts talking to her, she'll yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate. Manipulation- She says things that I feel are intended to manipulate me at the time, and not go through with them. It will end up being a he-said/she-said situation and cancel out discussion. She also lies about things to avoid confrontation. This mostly results in altered expectations... Distorted Expectations- After an incident involving her being unable to control her drinking which resulted in a huge fight (because she broke a commitment to me, broke her word to me, knowingly), she agreed only to drink around me. Now she doesn't remember saying that. She'll also tempt me with the promise of sex but change her mind later, and say she didn't. Basically I'm lead to believe one thing while she does whatever she feels on a whim. Trust- Because she lies about things, large and small, and she has cheated on one of her boyfriends in the past, and because she cannot control her social drinking on occasions, I have difficulty trusting her. I can't tell her this, because she'll say that she can't prove to me that she is trustworthy by any way but not doing what causes me to lose her trust, and that I make her feel bad by bringing it up, and if I can't trust her we shouldn't be together. But I see her lie and it destroys my ability to trust her. I see her fall short of my expectations and I lose my ability to trust her. I've tried to blindly trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt, because I care for her deeply, until I see that kind of thing happen. How do I talk about these issues in a constructive manner? I expect her to be truthful, not to break expectations she creates without good reason, and to realize her limitations as a human being and set real limits for herself. Edit: I don't want sex to be something she doesn't want, but I also don't want to expect it, be lead to believe that its going to happen and then have her tell me its not. I don't think thats cool. Last edited by innovis; 07-11-2006 at 10:19 PM..