How to discuss issues with girlfriend, constructively? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

innovis · 07-11-2006, 10:13 PM

I don't know how to discuss things constructively with my girlfriend (19, me 22).
I would like some input on how to talk about the following issues:

Anger/Frustration- She'll sometimes take her anger/irritation out on other people. She'll snap or be nasty. If I'm on the phone talking to her, and someone in the background starts talking to her, she'll yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate.

Manipulation- She says things that I feel are intended to manipulate me at the time, and not go through with them. It will end up being a he-said/she-said situation and cancel out discussion. She also lies about things to avoid confrontation. This mostly results in altered expectations...

Distorted Expectations- After an incident involving her being unable to control her drinking which resulted in a huge fight (because she broke a commitment to me, broke her word to me, knowingly), she agreed only to drink around me. Now she doesn't remember saying that. She'll also tempt me with the promise of sex but change her mind later, and say she didn't. Basically I'm lead to believe one thing while she does whatever she feels on a whim.

Trust- Because she lies about things, large and small, and she has cheated on one of her boyfriends in the past, and because she cannot control her social drinking on occasions, I have difficulty trusting her. I can't tell her this, because she'll say that she can't prove to me that she is trustworthy by any way but not doing what causes me to lose her trust, and that I make her feel bad by bringing it up, and if I can't trust her we shouldn't be together. But I see her lie and it destroys my ability to trust her. I see her fall short of my expectations and I lose my ability to trust her. I've tried to blindly trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt, because I care for her deeply, until I see that kind of thing happen.

How do I talk about these issues in a constructive manner? I expect her to be truthful, not to break expectations she creates without good reason, and to realize her limitations as a human being and set real limits for herself.

Edit: I don't want sex to be something she doesn't want, but I also don't want to expect it, be lead to believe that its going to happen and then have her tell me its not. I don't think thats cool.

abaya · 07-12-2006, 04:06 AM

How long have you been together?

And are you sure you even want to continue the relationship? It sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. She sounds highly destructive, to the point where she's trying to get you to break up with her (but not directly) because she can't do it herself. That's just my gut reaction to your post, though... I may well be wrong.

She needs to get herself into counseling; this is not the kind of shit you can deal with just between you two. If she's not willing to go to counseling for the sake of the relationship, then she's not worth being with, frankly. That's just selfishness.

maleficent · 07-12-2006, 04:14 AM

all you can do is point out when she does something how it makes you feel... It's not your place to point the finger and say you do this you do that blah blah... It's just your perception of things...

If she tells you to shut up, when someone else talks to her, that is the time to stick up for yoursel... maybe say, that's not respectful to me, telling me to shutup, call me back when you can talk. (or something) The issue generally has to be addressed while it's happening or shortly thereafter, from your perspective

Xazy · 07-12-2006, 04:32 AM

Just be calm, do not raise your voice and address any issues you have. Try to do it at a reasonable time, and place.

But my question is after reading your question, it sounds like there is some anger/disdain at your s/o. Is she someone you really want to continue a relationship with?

absorbentishe · 07-12-2006, 05:45 AM

Well, it sounds like she walks all over you (which is bad). You need to assert yourself, without being rude back. If she tells you to shut up, then hang up, that will fix her. When she calls back explain how she makes you feel. If you want to continue with the relationship, you need to make your feelings known to her, and either she'll change, or it will be the end.

Mephisto2 · 07-12-2006, 06:27 AM

Well, I'm tempted to paraphrase Melvin from the movie "As good as it gets", and say that if you want to talk to your girlfriend constructively, then imagine you're talking to a man, and then take away reason and accountability...

However, I agree 100% with absorbentishe... next time she abuses you on the phone, just hang up. Don't play the part of a victim, as that is the role in which you will be put. Seriously... it's quite possible that you two just need to work some stuff out, and maybe she's unconciously pushing you... but the longer you let her walk over you and your feelings, the longer things are going to be shitty. Don't let her treat you like shit (which it sounds like she is doing), and take a stand. You might be surprised at her reaction.

Mr Mephisto

shakran · 07-12-2006, 06:42 AM

Are you sure she's 19? Sounds more like 12 to me. Personally, someone that's that big of a jerk, I'd dump her. You're obviously a better, or at least more masochistic, man than I. As it is, talk to her, tell it to her straight, and make it clear that the crap she's pulling is unacceptable.

Jinn · 07-12-2006, 06:53 AM

Mal NAILED it.

Quote:

all you can do is point out when she does something how it makes you feel... It's not your place to point the finger and say you do this you do that blah blah... It's just your perception of things...

This is true of just about everyone - it's not really one's place to tell someone else how they should behave or what is right or wrong. You CERTAINLY can tell her how something she does makes YOU feel. Because in that case, it's always right. She can disagree that she does something wrong, but it's hard for her to disagree with how something makes YOU feel. If she doesn't care how it makes you feel? Well, it's either something you get over or she's someone you get over.

guthmund · 07-12-2006, 08:01 AM

You did a fine job of explaining the problem to us...why is it so difficult to do the same with her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by edited slightly

You sometimes take your anger/irritation out on me. If I'm on the phone talking to you, and someone in the background starts talking, you yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate.

If you can't sit down with her and talk tp each other like reasonable adults, then what's the point of being around her, let alone in a relationship?

Edit:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. M

Well, I'm tempted to paraphrase Melvin from the movie "As good as it gets", and say that if you want to talk to your girlfriend constructively, then imagine you're talking to a man, and then take away reason and accountability...

HA!

I must've missed this the first time through...welcome back.

Ustwo · 07-12-2006, 08:09 AM

She lies to you and manipulates you. Hmmmmmmm, I think the answer is clear here or is she really hot?

pornclerk · 07-12-2006, 08:26 AM

It seems like your girlfriend has some issues controlling her emotions. It probably stems from something else in her past. The point is though, that no matter how much you talk to her about it, it won't change until she realizes it's a problem. In the mean time, do you really want to be with someone who constantly makes you feel down? You are only 22 and there are plenty of fish in the sea!

JustJess · 07-12-2006, 09:09 AM

Okay, shortest post of advice I have ever given:

Dump her.

To elaborate slightly, she is still in high school mode. You are in adult mode. Thus, you will continue to have conflict in what you expect of each other. No, she doesn't communicate constructively, yes, she is immature and unnecessary, but unless you are head over heels in love and willing to teach her how to argue and otherwise communicate fairly, there's no point.

I think there's no point. My apologies for the bluntness.

Average_Joe · 07-12-2006, 12:09 PM

This girl sounds like someone my old roommate use to date, but she was 30, not 19. Basically, she was nice, but she could never admit to being wrong, could never lose an arguement, and would blatantly lie to him and to other people in front of him. Not to mention, she would cheat on him behind his back.

The fact is, some people are just like this for one reason or another, and if you know that your girlfriend is like this, you can live with it or break it off.

From what you described of her, I have little hope that discussing these problems constructively will do any good. She will probably deny she's doing anything wrong or make excuses. I could be wrong, but this is just my take.

Sage · 07-12-2006, 12:19 PM

Your girlfriend sounds young and immature, and seems like she's acting young and immature. If you are doing all you can to bring open and honest communication to the table in the relationship, only to be met with lies, fillipiant behavior, and immaturity, then I would say that you two simply aren't compatable. There's a LOT of living in between 19 and 22, and it just sounds like you two aren't on the same page in life.

snowy · 07-12-2006, 12:56 PM

Dump her.

She sounds like a bitch.

OzOz · 07-12-2006, 02:22 PM

This one really sounds like right now she's more trouble than she's worth.

Impetuous1 · 07-14-2006, 07:22 PM

Uggh. She reminds me of someone I used to know. A real manipulative bitch. She claimed she was a christian but did all sorts of unsavory things behind her boyfriend's back. (Such as sending naked pictures of herself to her male internet friends. Meeting up with one of them and making out. Having online affairs where she was telling other men she was in love with them.) But it wasn't cheating because it's not really having sex right?

Dump her. She's way too much trouble. And if you can't; then talk with her. I could be wrong, but I can almost guarantee that she will agree with you while you talk with her but forget all about your discussion at a time when it's convenient for her. If she does that, then at least you can say you tried. Don't let her walk all over you. I used to let that happen to me. It never leads anywhere good. Girls, and people, like this choose people who will take abuse because they are afraid of any backlash that they would get in a healthy relationship where they would actually have to learn to share and be selfless. They want to have the attention they crave from a S/O and also not have to commit 100% so they can serve their selfish needs. In other words, they're afraid of conflict. I'll take a good straightforward fight anyday rather than dealing with mind games.

I just read my post back and realized it was somewhat rude. I apologize about that. As to your OP, I say make sure you don't get too emotional when you talk to her. Keep a clear reasonable head. Most importantly, provide examples. Then explain how her behavior makes you feel. If she responds with some solution or apology, then maybe she is worth it.

monkeysugar · 07-15-2006, 05:55 PM

Dump her. Run, don't walk to the nearest phone and dump her. Since that's a whole hell of a lot easier said than done, you might sit down and have a conversation with her the next time she pulls this sort of thing. Tell her how you are perceiving her actions and how they make you feel. Try to stay calm, collected, and focused. Maybe even write down things ahead of time so you can get your thoughts out about what you want to say.

If this doesn't help, dump her. Are you getting what you need out of this relationship? Could you do better? (yes, you could.)

oberon · 07-15-2006, 09:57 PM

There's a girl I've been seeing for the last month or so. She doesn't communicate with me, so last time I went to her place I told her I didn't like that. She said she felt bad about it, and blamed it on my being deaf and her preferring to call people to talk to them. Well, you know, what am I supposed to do about it? Nothing, of course. So I probably won't see her again, at least not as a potential girlfriend. You know what? Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away. And I strongly suggest that you do so. See my quote.. it's one of my favorites.

Edit: Hmm, that's interesting. Seems the OP hasn't come back since he posted this question. ;(

skier · 07-16-2006, 01:10 AM

I'd get rid of her. She doesn't have your interests at heart, and her actions show she cares little for you.

If you really want to keep her around, you're going to have to pull some basic psychological training on her, the kind of stuff you would do on a 6 year old to teach them what's right and wrong. She lacks the maturity level to communicate with you and work out her problems- so you need to move a step down.

Basic psych training:

1. Punish her when she does bad things. It sounds like she craves attention, good or bad. Make yourself unavailable for a short time when she goes wrong.

2. Reward her for good things, or even tolerable things. You want her to associate you with good feelings and well being, not arguments and anger.

3. Show how her actions are ridiculous by mirroring them. Do so in a clear and concise way so that she recognizes that you are copying something she does. Ease that blow with humour if you can.

4. Lead by example, especially after punishment. It's not enough for her to know what the wrong thing to do is; you need her to understand the correct response to the situation she erred in so that she knows the right thing to do.

5. If you get into an actual argument, present her with a few options- all of them
in your favor. Make the option you prefer to sound the most reasonable of the choices you present.

6. When she does the right thing, follow it up. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Only way you'll change her default/gut reaction.

Just some things you can do. I think the whole thing is childish though. Takes a lot of effort and hard work to influence a person, let alone fundamentally change their behavior patterns. She has a lot of life lessons to learn, and it looks like she wants to learn them the hard way.

innovis · 07-17-2006, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skier

I'd get rid of her. She doesn't have your interests at heart, and her actions show she cares little for you.

If you really want to keep her around, you're going to have to pull some basic psychological training on her, the kind of stuff you would do on a 6 year old to teach them what's right and wrong. She lacks the maturity level to communicate with you and work out her problems- so you need to move a step down.

Basic psych training:

1. Punish her when she does bad things. It sounds like she craves attention, good or bad. Make yourself unavailable for a short time when she goes wrong.

2. Reward her for good things, or even tolerable things. You want her to associate you with good feelings and well being, not arguments and anger.

3. Show how her actions are ridiculous by mirroring them. Do so in a clear and concise way so that she recognizes that you are copying something she does. Ease that blow with humour if you can.

4. Lead by example, especially after punishment. It's not enough for her to know what the wrong thing to do is; you need her to understand the correct response to the situation she erred in so that she knows the right thing to do.

5. If you get into an actual argument, present her with a few options- all of them
in your favor. Make the option you prefer to sound the most reasonable of the choices you present.

6. When she does the right thing, follow it up. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Only way you'll change her default/gut reaction.

Just some things you can do. I think the whole thing is childish though. Takes a lot of effort and hard work to influence a person, let alone fundamentally change their behavior patterns. She has a lot of life lessons to learn, and it looks like she wants to learn them the hard way.

Well, things have gotten worse. Basically she went out with friends from work and told me she was out with her sister (Thursday night). We fought. I got drunk and ranted to my roommate. I still kept my plans to go visit her over the weekend. I go visit her and she is in a bad mood almost the entire weekend. I find out today that my roommate told her all of the heinous shit that I said when I was drunk, which I didn't really mean, in addition to some other stuff I said to him in confidence about her. Which is why she was in a bad mood pretty much all of the time. Basically he has completely broken my friendship with him, and hurt my relationship further.

At any rate, she probably does need this. Her mother is crazy and probably bi-polar, and she is a daddies girl so I doubt she was ever made accountable for anything, and she really does lack responsibility. The more I think about it the more I think I should follow almost everyone's advice and break up with her.

JustJess · 07-18-2006, 11:23 AM

She's going to have to take responsibility for herself sometime. It may as well be now. Good luck!

By the by, that weekend, she should have just told you what was going on rather than pulling the silent crap. Because you're not psychic, and you shouldn't have to be. One more nail.

maleficent · 07-18-2006, 11:44 AM

Quote:

I find out today that my roommate told her all of the heinous shit that I said when I was drunk, which I didn't really mean,

People tend to be a lot more honest when they are drunk... and don't hold back... you sure that you didn't mean the things that were said?

You sure your roommate hasn't actually done you a favor? OK, it's pretty crappy to relay stuff that was said in confidence to another person... but... did he have your best interests at heart?

thespian86 · 07-25-2006, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

People tend to be a lot more honest when they are drunk... and don't hold back... you sure that you didn't mean the things that were said?

You sure your roommate hasn't actually done you a favor? OK, it's pretty crappy to relay stuff that was said in confidence to another person... but... did he have your best interests at heart?

Agreed, it sounds like he was just looking out for you rather then trying to betray your friendship. He probably recognizes that you are being manipulated and you arn't fixing it. I'd be flattered.

And yes, alcohol doesn't prod you to say things or do things. They are things you WANT to do. You just lose your ability to control yourself, to a point.

doncalypso · 07-25-2006, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by innovis

I don't know how to discuss things constructively with my girlfriend (19, me 22).
I would like some input on how to talk about the following issues:

Anger/Frustration- She'll sometimes take her anger/irritation out on other people. She'll snap or be nasty. If I'm on the phone talking to her, and someone in the background starts talking to her, she'll yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate.

Manipulation- She says things that I feel are intended to manipulate me at the time, and not go through with them. It will end up being a he-said/she-said situation and cancel out discussion. She also lies about things to avoid confrontation. This mostly results in altered expectations...

Distorted Expectations- After an incident involving her being unable to control her drinking which resulted in a huge fight (because she broke a commitment to me, broke her word to me, knowingly), she agreed only to drink around me. Now she doesn't remember saying that. She'll also tempt me with the promise of sex but change her mind later, and say she didn't. Basically I'm lead to believe one thing while she does whatever she feels on a whim.

Trust- Because she lies about things, large and small, and she has cheated on one of her boyfriends in the past, and because she cannot control her social drinking on occasions, I have difficulty trusting her. I can't tell her this, because she'll say that she can't prove to me that she is trustworthy by any way but not doing what causes me to lose her trust, and that I make her feel bad by bringing it up, and if I can't trust her we shouldn't be together. But I see her lie and it destroys my ability to trust her. I see her fall short of my expectations and I lose my ability to trust her. I've tried to blindly trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt, because I care for her deeply, until I see that kind of thing happen.

How do I talk about these issues in a constructive manner? I expect her to be truthful, not to break expectations she creates without good reason, and to realize her limitations as a human being and set real limits for herself.

Edit: I don't want sex to be something she doesn't want, but I also don't want to expect it, be lead to believe that its going to happen and then have her tell me its not. I don't think thats cool.

No offense, but if she's an out-of-control drinker and has cheated on past boyfriends the odds are high that she'll betray you too. Maybe you should leave her because she sounds very immature to me.

It seems to me that your gut instinct is telling you to pull the plug, but because you like her a lot (or probably are in love with her) your ego's shouting is drowning out the quiet whisper of your intuition.

spindles · 07-25-2006, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJess

By the by, that weekend, she should have just told you what was going on rather than pulling the silent crap. Because you're not psychic, and you shouldn't have to be. One more nail.

My wife is one of these silent ones - it is still bleeding obvious to me (now that I know her better) when she is pissed off. And she is becoming a better communicator but still needs prodding at times. This in itself shouldn't be a showstopper, though it seems to be this girl's smallest issue.

I would also add a vote for dump her...

analog · 07-25-2006, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

Dump her.

She sounds like a bitch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzOz

This one really sounds like right now she's more trouble than she's worth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeysugar

Dump her. Run, don't walk to the nearest phone and dump her.

And, perhaps most especially- bold my own...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

She lies to you and manipulates you. Hmmmmmmm, I think the answer is clear here or is she really hot?

07-11-2006, 10:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
innovis Crazy	How to discuss issues with girlfriend, constructively? I don't know how to discuss things constructively with my girlfriend (19, me 22). I would like some input on how to talk about the following issues: Anger/Frustration- She'll sometimes take her anger/irritation out on other people. She'll snap or be nasty. If I'm on the phone talking to her, and someone in the background starts talking to her, she'll yell at me to shut up for a second. I find this unacceptable and inconsiderate. Manipulation- She says things that I feel are intended to manipulate me at the time, and not go through with them. It will end up being a he-said/she-said situation and cancel out discussion. She also lies about things to avoid confrontation. This mostly results in altered expectations... Distorted Expectations- After an incident involving her being unable to control her drinking which resulted in a huge fight (because she broke a commitment to me, broke her word to me, knowingly), she agreed only to drink around me. Now she doesn't remember saying that. She'll also tempt me with the promise of sex but change her mind later, and say she didn't. Basically I'm lead to believe one thing while she does whatever she feels on a whim. Trust- Because she lies about things, large and small, and she has cheated on one of her boyfriends in the past, and because she cannot control her social drinking on occasions, I have difficulty trusting her. I can't tell her this, because she'll say that she can't prove to me that she is trustworthy by any way but not doing what causes me to lose her trust, and that I make her feel bad by bringing it up, and if I can't trust her we shouldn't be together. But I see her lie and it destroys my ability to trust her. I see her fall short of my expectations and I lose my ability to trust her. I've tried to blindly trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt, because I care for her deeply, until I see that kind of thing happen. How do I talk about these issues in a constructive manner? I expect her to be truthful, not to break expectations she creates without good reason, and to realize her limitations as a human being and set real limits for herself. Edit: I don't want sex to be something she doesn't want, but I also don't want to expect it, be lead to believe that its going to happen and then have her tell me its not. I don't think thats cool. Last edited by innovis; 07-11-2006 at 10:19 PM..

07-12-2006, 04:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	How long have you been together? And are you sure you even want to continue the relationship? It sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth. She sounds highly destructive, to the point where she's trying to get you to break up with her (but not directly) because she can't do it herself. That's just my gut reaction to your post, though... I may well be wrong. She needs to get herself into counseling; this is not the kind of shit you can deal with just between you two. If she's not willing to go to counseling for the sake of the relationship, then she's not worth being with, frankly. That's just selfishness. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

07-12-2006, 04:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	all you can do is point out when she does something how it makes you feel... It's not your place to point the finger and say you do this you do that blah blah... It's just your perception of things... If she tells you to shut up, when someone else talks to her, that is the time to stick up for yoursel... maybe say, that's not respectful to me, telling me to shutup, call me back when you can talk. (or something) The issue generally has to be addressed while it's happening or shortly thereafter, from your perspective __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-12-2006, 08:09 AM	#10 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	She lies to you and manipulates you. Hmmmmmmm, I think the answer is clear here or is she really hot? __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

07-12-2006, 08:26 AM	#11 (permalink)
pornclerk Insane Location: Ontario, Canada	issues It seems like your girlfriend has some issues controlling her emotions. It probably stems from something else in her past. The point is though, that no matter how much you talk to her about it, it won't change until she realizes it's a problem. In the mean time, do you really want to be with someone who constantly makes you feel down? You are only 22 and there are plenty of fish in the sea!

07-12-2006, 04:32 AM	#4 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	Just be calm, do not raise your voice and address any issues you have. Try to do it at a reasonable time, and place. But my question is after reading your question, it sounds like there is some anger/disdain at your s/o. Is she someone you really want to continue a relationship with?

07-12-2006, 05:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Well, it sounds like she walks all over you (which is bad). You need to assert yourself, without being rude back. If she tells you to shut up, then hang up, that will fix her. When she calls back explain how she makes you feel. If you want to continue with the relationship, you need to make your feelings known to her, and either she'll change, or it will be the end.

07-12-2006, 06:27 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	Well, I'm tempted to paraphrase Melvin from the movie "As good as it gets", and say that if you want to talk to your girlfriend constructively, then imagine you're talking to a man, and then take away reason and accountability... However, I agree 100% with absorbentishe... next time she abuses you on the phone, just hang up. Don't play the part of a victim, as that is the role in which you will be put. Seriously... it's quite possible that you two just need to work some stuff out, and maybe she's unconciously pushing you... but the longer you let her walk over you and your feelings, the longer things are going to be shitty. Don't let her treat you like shit (which it sounds like she is doing), and take a stand. You might be surprised at her reaction. Mr Mephisto

07-12-2006, 06:42 AM	#7 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	Are you sure she's 19? Sounds more like 12 to me. Personally, someone that's that big of a jerk, I'd dump her. You're obviously a better, or at least more masochistic, man than I. As it is, talk to her, tell it to her straight, and make it clear that the crap she's pulling is unacceptable.

07-12-2006, 09:09 AM	#12 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	Okay, shortest post of advice I have ever given: Dump her. To elaborate slightly, she is still in high school mode. You are in adult mode. Thus, you will continue to have conflict in what you expect of each other. No, she doesn't communicate constructively, yes, she is immature and unnecessary, but unless you are head over heels in love and willing to teach her how to argue and otherwise communicate fairly, there's no point. I think there's no point. My apologies for the bluntness. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

07-12-2006, 12:09 PM	#13 (permalink)
Average_Joe Psycho Location: Under the Radar	This girl sounds like someone my old roommate use to date, but she was 30, not 19. Basically, she was nice, but she could never admit to being wrong, could never lose an arguement, and would blatantly lie to him and to other people in front of him. Not to mention, she would cheat on him behind his back. The fact is, some people are just like this for one reason or another, and if you know that your girlfriend is like this, you can live with it or break it off. From what you described of her, I have little hope that discussing these problems constructively will do any good. She will probably deny she's doing anything wrong or make excuses. I could be wrong, but this is just my take.

07-12-2006, 12:19 PM	#14 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Your girlfriend sounds young and immature, and seems like she's acting young and immature. If you are doing all you can to bring open and honest communication to the table in the relationship, only to be met with lies, fillipiant behavior, and immaturity, then I would say that you two simply aren't compatable. There's a LOT of living in between 19 and 22, and it just sounds like you two aren't on the same page in life. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

07-12-2006, 12:56 PM	#15 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Dump her. She sounds like a bitch. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

07-12-2006, 02:22 PM	#16 (permalink)
OzOz Psycho Location: Right here, right now.	This one really sounds like right now she's more trouble than she's worth. __________________ Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today.

07-14-2006, 07:22 PM	#17 (permalink)
Impetuous1 Insane Location: Arizona	Uggh. She reminds me of someone I used to know. A real manipulative bitch. She claimed she was a christian but did all sorts of unsavory things behind her boyfriend's back. (Such as sending naked pictures of herself to her male internet friends. Meeting up with one of them and making out. Having online affairs where she was telling other men she was in love with them.) But it wasn't cheating because it's not really having sex right? Dump her. She's way too much trouble. And if you can't; then talk with her. I could be wrong, but I can almost guarantee that she will agree with you while you talk with her but forget all about your discussion at a time when it's convenient for her. If she does that, then at least you can say you tried. Don't let her walk all over you. I used to let that happen to me. It never leads anywhere good. Girls, and people, like this choose people who will take abuse because they are afraid of any backlash that they would get in a healthy relationship where they would actually have to learn to share and be selfless. They want to have the attention they crave from a S/O and also not have to commit 100% so they can serve their selfish needs. In other words, they're afraid of conflict. I'll take a good straightforward fight anyday rather than dealing with mind games. I just read my post back and realized it was somewhat rude. I apologize about that. As to your OP, I say make sure you don't get too emotional when you talk to her. Keep a clear reasonable head. Most importantly, provide examples. Then explain how her behavior makes you feel. If she responds with some solution or apology, then maybe she is worth it. Last edited by Impetuous1; 07-14-2006 at 07:47 PM..

07-15-2006, 05:55 PM	#18 (permalink)
monkeysugar I'll be on the veranda, since you're on the cross. Location: Rand McNally's friendliest small town in America. They must have strayed from the dodgy parts...	Dump her. Run, don't walk to the nearest phone and dump her. Since that's a whole hell of a lot easier said than done, you might sit down and have a conversation with her the next time she pulls this sort of thing. Tell her how you are perceiving her actions and how they make you feel. Try to stay calm, collected, and focused. Maybe even write down things ahead of time so you can get your thoughts out about what you want to say. If this doesn't help, dump her. Are you getting what you need out of this relationship? Could you do better? (yes, you could.) __________________ I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

07-15-2006, 09:57 PM	#19 (permalink)
oberon Quadrature Amplitude Modulator Location: Denver	There's a girl I've been seeing for the last month or so. She doesn't communicate with me, so last time I went to her place I told her I didn't like that. She said she felt bad about it, and blamed it on my being deaf and her preferring to call people to talk to them. Well, you know, what am I supposed to do about it? Nothing, of course. So I probably won't see her again, at least not as a potential girlfriend. You know what? Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away. And I strongly suggest that you do so. See my quote.. it's one of my favorites. Edit: Hmm, that's interesting. Seems the OP hasn't come back since he posted this question. ;( __________________ "There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb Last edited by oberon; 07-15-2006 at 10:03 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

07-16-2006, 01:10 AM	#20 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	I'd get rid of her. She doesn't have your interests at heart, and her actions show she cares little for you. If you really want to keep her around, you're going to have to pull some basic psychological training on her, the kind of stuff you would do on a 6 year old to teach them what's right and wrong. She lacks the maturity level to communicate with you and work out her problems- so you need to move a step down. Basic psych training: 1. Punish her when she does bad things. It sounds like she craves attention, good or bad. Make yourself unavailable for a short time when she goes wrong. 2. Reward her for good things, or even tolerable things. You want her to associate you with good feelings and well being, not arguments and anger. 3. Show how her actions are ridiculous by mirroring them. Do so in a clear and concise way so that she recognizes that you are copying something she does. Ease that blow with humour if you can. 4. Lead by example, especially after punishment. It's not enough for her to know what the wrong thing to do is; you need her to understand the correct response to the situation she erred in so that she knows the right thing to do. 5. If you get into an actual argument, present her with a few options- all of them in your favor. Make the option you prefer to sound the most reasonable of the choices you present. 6. When she does the right thing, follow it up. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Only way you'll change her default/gut reaction. Just some things you can do. I think the whole thing is childish though. Takes a lot of effort and hard work to influence a person, let alone fundamentally change their behavior patterns. She has a lot of life lessons to learn, and it looks like she wants to learn them the hard way. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

07-18-2006, 11:23 AM	#22 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	She's going to have to take responsibility for herself sometime. It may as well be now. Good luck! By the by, that weekend, she should have just told you what was going on rather than pulling the silent crap. Because you're not psychic, and you shouldn't have to be. One more nail. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.