So until about 2 weeks ago, ratbastid and I were 99% sure we didn't want kids. So sure that I got an IUD in January. I'm 33, and the IUD lasts 5 years...by the time it's done, I'll pretty much be too old to have kids.
About 2 weeks ago, I was in a meeting watching a presentation on the effects of prenatal experience on the development of the immune system, and there were all these pictures of pregnant women, or mothers breastfeeding, and god help me if I didn't feel the pull! Strongly! It really weirded me out. Since then I've had two very vivid dreams in which I find myself pregnant despite the IUD and rip it out myself. My therapist says I should indulge myself in the fantasy of having a kid for a while, and see if it's just a passing biological urge, or if it's really something I want. So I'm indulging....and I find myself slipping into the "let's do it!" mindset.
ratbastid, meantime, is still pretty certain he doesn't want this. He can see how it could be pretty sweet, but really we like our lives the way they are. He's not so sure about the whole "indulge the fantasy" exercise (in fact, he pretty much HATES and fears the exercise), but would do this if I really wanted it. He thinks I shouldn't be a slave to my biological urges (and I agree) but should weigh all the options and then...choose.
So I posted in my journal
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/journal...wjournal&j=185
some of my thoughts about things - good and bad reasons to have/not have a kid.
A few points that need to be elaborated:
1. Neither of us has a full-time job at the moment. ratbastid owns his own company, and I work a mish-mash of part-time and freelance jobs. We pay the bills and are digging out rapidly from under our credit cards, but our incomes are far from predictable. We would both be willing to get regular jobs, even if we didn't have a kid to support, if our financial situation merited it.
2. I am most likely a carrier for an X-linked recessive disorder called hypohidrotic ectodermal dysplasia.
http://www.webmd.com/hw/health_guide_atoz/nord804.asp My brother had it, and there's a 50-50 chance I'm a carrier. However, I manifest many of the secondary symptoms (baby teeth, sparse hair, dry skin, sensitive lungs, etc.) and I'm pretty sure I'm a carrier. There's a test for the mutation, but a small percentage of affected people have a different mutation, and according to the test my affected cousin had, we're among that small percentage, so there's no telling for sure. Our options for biological and not adopted parenthood would be:
1. pray
2. sex-selection for females (who could be carriers but wouldn't have the disease) and IVF, which I'm not really willing to do
3. selective abortion of affected male fetuses which I'm DEFINITELY not willing to do
So... we'd have to cross that genetics bridge if we decided to have a kid, and I don't know what to do about it. The issue isn't really the testing - I'm sure I'm a carrier; the issue is what to do about it! We've got a 1-in-4 chance of having a son who's affected, and I'm not sure I'm up to the medical challenges involved, or that I'd want to knowingly take the chance that we could pass this on to our kid - it seems unethical.
I guess my biggest fear is regret. I don't want to reach a certain age and wish I had had kids, or deal with being an old parent. I also don't want to wish I'd NOT had kids and resent him/her (I'd only want 1, I think) for ruining my life!
So...parents and especially NON-parents, we'd love to have your advice and input, preferably on how we should make up our minds than on whether we should or shouldn't do it. So: help the lurkbastids make up their minds!